Begging Your Patience, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy is going to be extremely busy the next few days. As a result, I probably will not be able to make another post for you until Monday. Please accept my apologies, and keep in mind that the free market waits for no one, even Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 9/28/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to your mail...

Jack X writes:

WHo do you think would be good candidates in the 2008 presidential election from both parties?

And, please, don't try to defy the obvious, such as the 23rd amendment. Bush can't run again, he he he....just kidding.

Jack X

Excellent question, Jack X. The leading Republican candidate has to be George "macaca" Allen. Sure, his alleged racism will be held against him, but this man has real values (racism aside). He's a real, 100% Christian (racism aside). He's American by birth, southern by the grace of God (racism possibly included). No one can excite the base like this man (racism definitely included).

The leading Democratic candidate has to be Hillary. As my hero, Rev. Jerry Falwell said, no Democrat will excite our base to get out and vote against them quite like Hillary. She's worse than Lucifer, in fact. I pray for a Hillary run!

Ryan writes:

Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., what do you think of the torture bill about to be passed by the Senate?

Honestly, this is a sad day for our country. The Rule of Law and our Constitutional values are about to be undermined in one fell swoop. Worst of all, it potentially subjects our soldiers to even worse torture if captured. Every member of Congress who votes for this should be voted out of office. Shame on Congress.

Congress, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Who's Up for Some Cornhole?

Dear Readers,

As you may or may not be aware, a new game is sweeping the midwest. It's called "cornhole," and it's some kind of AWESOME! You throw beanbags at a wooden thing with a hole cut out. What could be more fun?

Dear readers, you can read more about this game here: cornhole. You may be tempted to laugh, but you have to understand, this game is growing in popularity among Nascar fans: Nascar fans LOVE cornholing. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have said many times that there are only 3 real sports: Nascar, wrestling, and high school football. If cornhole is good enough for Nascar fans, it's good enough for old Teddy!

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am ready to become deeply entrenched in the sport of cornhole. I'm looking to dive right in. If anyone out there is interested in becoming my partner to play a little cornhole, let me know!

Fellow cornhole lovers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Her Husband is a Demon, Too

Dear Readers,

By now, you are undoubtedly familiar with the completely, 100% unprovoked reaction by former "President" Bill Clinton on Fox News Sunday this weekend. Clinton was, of course, only asked the same questions journalism giants such as Chris Wallace asks everyone, conservative or liberal. Yet he reacted like an absolute mad man. Why is this, you ask? Because he is naturally a west-coast, hate-America-first, liberal elite.

You see, dear readers, Bill Clinton got a blow job while he was the President, therefore staining his legacy. Rather than looking at the work he did do while President, we should focus on what he DIDN'T do - he didn't bring world peace, he didn't solver world hunger, and he didn't rid the world of Islamofascists. After all, our divinely-inspired President only had just over 8 months in office before 9/11 - how could he have been expected to get anything done in only 250 days? Especially considering he had to vacation for much of that time? It's simply asking too much of any person, including one as great as W.

More importantly, Clinton's attempts to address terrorism were feeble, at best. Rather than attacking Osama's camps in Afghanistan in 1998 in a "wag the dog" fashion, Clinton should have attacked him outside of the "Lewinsky-gate" scandal. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, fact huggers like to point out that the Republicans wasted tens of millions of dollars and countless man hours over the Lewinsky affair, monopolizing the national political climate for two years on something that didn't really matter. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., say he got what he was asking for, as he was of course only one step away from imposing communism on our country. Yet the liberals still whine.

Chris Wallace, of course, asks hard-hitting questions of both conservatives and liberals. Never mind that sites like Media Matters and Crooks and Liars have debunked this; these liberal rags simply want to defame Mr. Wallace. Mr. Wallace is a righteous patriot, and if he asked Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., for an interviews, I would happily acquiesce.

Bill Clinton, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

But She IS the Devil

Dear Readers,

A sizable controversy has emerged over some remarks made by one of my heroes, Rev. Jerry Falwell, over the weekend. In the aftermath of Hugo Chavez's despicable comments about President Bush - which rightly became an issue of paramount national concern - Rev. Falwell said that the only candidate who would fire up his base of conservative Christians more than Lucifer himself would be Hillary Clinton (read the story here). Naturally, the west-coast, liberal elite, hypocrisy mongerers have raised a fuss.

You see, dear readers, the hate-America-first crowd is confused as to why real Americans are upset over someone calling our divinely-inspired President the devil but not over someone demonizing Senator Clinton. Well, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have a few answers. First, W loves America and is fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here; Clinton is part of the anti-God crowd and would rather cut and run than to protect ourselves. More importantly, W understands God's mission for America to free the world and spread democracy at the end of an M16, whereas old cut-and-run Hillary obviously doesn't. Finally, W realizes the supposed "separation of church and state" is a liberal myth, propagated by west-coast, liberal elite, first amendment mongerers.

Dear readers, this is in no way hypocrisy on the part of conservatives. Rev. Falwell simply said later that it was all in fun and was an "off the cuff" remark. That's all. See? You can equate someone with a demon so long as you say it's just "off the cuff." No harm, no foul. But Chavez is still evil.

Hillary Clinton, why do you hate America?

Mr. Mayor, Tear Down This Sign!

Dear Readers,

As you are no doubt aware of Hugo Chavez's hatred of America from my post earlier this week, I don't need to waste your time with such background details. Since then, a large Citgo sign in Boston has become the subject of controversy. The sign, visible in the background of historic Fenway Park, has been up for a number of decades now, and was kept up at the insistence of Boston residents even after Citgo left the city 2 decades ago. The city even recently spent $1 million to refurbish the sign.

Well, in the aftermath of Chavez's despicable comments, a member of the City Council has stated that the sign should be torn down, and a number of residents agreed when the subject was discussed on a local talk radio show. I would wholly support this suggestion, except that the council member is a Democrat. That's right. This Democrat, despite his insistence that he is serious, is mocking real Americans, as conservatives should be the one to make this suggestion.

You see, dear readers, this sign needs to come down, but not because some west-coast, liberal elite, city council member suggested it. No, we need a modern day Boston Tea Party, where real Americans work together to tear down this symbol of the international hate-America-first crowd. And I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am just the man to lead this charge.

Now, some west-coast, liberal elite, reality mongerers suggest we're making a big deal out of nothing. They suggest that we have real problems to deal with, and that whatever the President of Venezuela says about our divinely-inspired President is the least of our worries. To them, I only have one thing to say:

Reality mongerers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Turns Out, They're Against Us, Too

Dear Readers,

On an upcoming episode of that liberal rag, "60 Minutes," the President of Pakistan will claim that Richard Armitage, a former high-ranking official at the State Department, threatened that we would blow his country back to the "Stone Age." Pakistan, of course, has long been one of our strongest allies in the War on Terror, due to its proximity to Afghanistan. Now, though, they're turning on us, as shown by their recent decision to let Osama and the Taliban run free. There's only one explanation: President Musharraf is another member of the west-coast, liberal elite.

Dear readers, this has been a bad week for these liberals throughout the world. From Hugo Chavez to President Musharraf, we've seen how crazy these liberals are, and that they're willing to say and do ANYTHING. It's clearly backfired, though, as we come out of this smelling like a rose. Those who oppose us are now the ones hated by the world, despite the rousing applause Chavez received at the U.N.

These accusations show that we're on the side of justice. We're taking democracy over there. Freedom is on the march. We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. Jump on board, or get the hell out of the way!

President Musharraf, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 9/21/06

Dear Readers,

"Do you remember, the 21st of September? On and on, some of you remember; on and on, dancing in September..." Dear readers, welcome to this week's edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Without further adieu...

Willington writes:

Teddy,
So why are you afraid of pirates?
-Franklin Willington

Willington, I'm not afraid of them. I simply oppose terrorists. You see, Willington, I love America. Modern pirates are Islamofascists, and should be opposed at every turn. Why do you hate America?

Jack X writes:

Dear Teddy,

This question is not political, but being that you have made some religious allusions in your blog, I think I'll try a religious question this week.

I consider myself to be a Catholic, in fact, a somewhat conservative Catholic. About a year ago in my local parish, a new priest came as the old one was promoted in the diocese. Now, I attend a slightly unusual parish in terms of how the church and some of the buildings are designed and the parish is one of the newest in the area (about 30 years old).

When this new priest came, he made a bunch of "radical" changes to how the masses is done, by adding songs and making some songs sound "hip" (one song involves clapping). He pretty much ignored any tradition the church had (not that the church had too much tradition) but he tore out the pages and rewrote them himself, symbolically. In addition, he does say some disagreeable things which do taint his sermons, and goes very overboard with certain "ceremonies" (for example, at the end of a baptism, he holds up the baby to the sky, a la "The Lion King"). He also gets "mad" at people when they don't stand in a precise location during Eucharist, and in one particular mass, he made the entire congregation wear name tags. In short, he has taken a mass, which, to me, is a simple, yet very powerful, practice, and converted it into a complex ceremonious detail event lasting anywhere in the neighborhood between 75-90 minutes on any given Sunday--with each liturgy starting off with a 5 minute long set of announcements that are more verbose and complicated than a Faulkner novel. I also feel that he is really intercoloring the lines between mass, retreat, and ceremony each Sunday.

So, my good friend, what should I do? I personally do feel that attending other local parishes is a solution; however, I do have an aire of guilt when I do this. Also, I have gotten into arguments with my family over some of these new "nuances." In fact, my father, a registered Republican, has played "Democrat" on the issue and has flip-flopped his position on the situation, first having opinions in the same area as me but has changed them to liking the new procedures.

Anyway, my captain, what do you think I should do with the whole situation?

Sincerely yours,
Jack X

Jack, welcome back! My first piece of advice to you is to run - run as fast as you can! Run right to your nearest Southern Baptist church; you won't have to worry about them changing up on you and becoming liberal any time soon!

As for the situation with your father, you're spot-on. Changing one's mind after reconsideration is nothing but weakness and flip-flopping; it's never a sign of careful reconsideration and coming to a new conclusion. You see, real Americans (conservatives) dig in their heels and refuse to change, no matter what new evidence is presented to them. See our divinely-inspired President for a shining example!

Jack X, either call this priest out in the middle of Mass, or get yourself to a real American church, asap!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Hugo - Why Don't You-Go Home?

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am enraged. Today, before the west-coast, liberal elite, worthless United Nations, Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez referred to our divinely-inspired President as the "devil." This Communist loud mouth, a dictator in every sense of the word, had the gall - nay, the audacity - to denigrate our President. And how did the spineless Commie pinkos at the U.N. receive this? With applause, of course.

Dear readers, first, this goes to show how needless the United Nations is, and how much this organization hates America. They oppose our war on terror and mock us, further emboldening the enemy. We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. Apparently the U.N. members don't realize we're keeping them safe in their cozy, liberal offices.

More importantly, this simply shows how evil Chavez is. Calling a President blessed by Providence the "devil" makes Chavez the devil (in politics, this is the "I'm like rubber, your like glue" principle). This friend of Castro hates America and hates us for our freedom. Please join me and other conservatives in boycotting Citgo (see the article: Citgo boycott), a Venezuelan-owned oil company making profits from gullible real Americans.

Hugo Chavez, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Leave it to Liberal Militaries

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, a military coup took place in Thailand (it's well-known that few organizations are as liberal as the upper echelons of military leadership throughout the world). While the prime minister was in New York at the United Nations, the Thai military seized control of the country. Convenient timing? Or were they tipped off?

You see, dear readers, a similar coup took place on an old episode of the "West Wing" (I watched for research purposes so I could better know my liberal enemies) when an African leader was visiting the White House. No doubt, the west-coast, liberal elite writers of this liberal fantasy planted the idea of such a takeover in the heads of the liberal military elite in Thailand, who are undoubtedly familiar with such liberal propaganda as this show. Like good mindless liberal sheep, they understood their marching orders.

This event is not without ramifications in our country. Liberal military leaders in Thailand orchestrated this coup, and here, retired liberal generals have recently been calling for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Our liberal generals may take this as a sign that the time is right for their coup here in the U.S., in cooperation with their Al Qaeda pals that they've been appeasing. Dear readers, we must be on guard.

Liberal generals everywhere, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

To Support, or Not to Support?

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am currently torn. On the one hand, I've always opposed the papists and their fake Christianity that serves Rome and not America. On the other, though, the Pope came out a few days ago and condemned the Islamofascists. What's a real American to do?

I suppose, in this one instance, it's best to support the Pope - on this issue only, of course. You see, dear readers, even though we're not actively chasing him anymore, Osama is the biggest threat we've faced since Hitler. The Pope isn't THAT bad.

So, for once, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to support the Pope and to thank him for taking this stand. The violent response it has stirred up has further shown us who the real enemy is; after all, if what he said wasn't true, no one would have anything to be upset about, right? Even if he does hate America and Christianity, for once, way to go Pope.

Pope, in this instance, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Talk Like a Pirate? No Thank You.

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow, September 19th, is "National Talk Like a Pirate Day." Naturally, this is a holiday for the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first, appease-the-terrorists-first crowd. Modern pirates are often found off of the coasts of Northern African nations. These nations are largely Islamic, which means that mimicking their homegrown terrorists condones their terrorist acts. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., oppose the terrorists, and I hope that you do, too.

Dear readers, please join me in boycotting "National Talk Like a Pirate Day." If you hear someone talking like a pirate, please perform a citizens' arrest and turn them in to your local authorities.

Pirate supporters, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Keeping America Safer

Dear Readers,

Today, Willie Nelson and other people on his bus were cited by police in Lafayette, Louisiana, for possession of marijuana and narcotic mushrooms. All that I can do is thank these hard-working police officers for making America safer. If we allow Americans to think that a public figure like Willie Nelson endorses marijuana, this could have serious implications on our fragile youth. Somebody is finally thinking about the children.

You see, dear readers, as a series of PSA's told us several years ago, smoking marijuana supports terrorism. If you don't believe me, grab a piece of paper and a pen and write "marijuana" and "terrorism", and then draw an arrow from "marijuana" to "terrorism." You'll see a direct link, and all of your doubts will be answered.

Someone with as sparkling of a reputation as Willie Nelson, if he was even rumored to like to inject the marijuana, would provide a negative role model for our children. They need to know that snorting weed is wrong. I salute these valiant police officers for doing work that matters and keeping dangerous thugs like Willie Nelson off the street.

Willie Nelson, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Now They're Poisoning Our Food, Part II

Dear Readers,

The west-coast, liberal elite, hippy organic farmers thought they could slip this one by me. Upon further reflection, another thought struck me - the name of the company responsible for the E. coli outbreak this week is "Natural Selection Foods." What we see here, in addition to the dangers dirty hippy co-op farmers pose, is another attempt to push the pro-Darwinian agenda. Is it ironic that a company with the name "Natural Selection" encountered such troubles? Or isn't this to be expected?

They thought they could slip this one by old Teddy, but of course, they were mistaken.

Pro-Darwinian, dirty hippies, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Now They're Poisoning Our Food

Dear Readers,

As you are likely aware, an E. coli outbreak occurred this week. The culprit here was spinach sold by Natural Selection Foods, based in - you guessed it - California. They've already poisoned our airwaves and our newspapers. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite are poisoning our food.

Dear readers, you don't need me to tell you that dirty liberal hippies are responsible for this. Leave it to liberals without hygiene to spread their filth to our food. That's all the organic food movement is good for. It's the only way they can overcome the overwhelming conservative nature of our country. They can't win at the polls, so they're poisoning the food in our bowls.

California hippy organic farmers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Reminder of the New Service, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

This is a reposting of a message originally posted a few days ago. As you may notice just to the right of this post, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have installed an email feed for the blog. By entering your email address, you can receive daily email updates of my new posts. This saves you the trouble of having to open up your web browser and typing in my url. Naturally, I'm always watching out for you, dear readers!

Dear readers, I would appreciate some feedback from you on this. Do you like this update? Do you not want this? Should I somehow change this? Please let me know what you think.

As always, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thoughtful Moments with Theodore, September 16, 2006

Dear Readers,

Several days ago, a friend of mine asked me, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., what the date was. I was confounded. Any real American should know that Monday was the 5-year anniversary of 9/11, and calculate the date based on that. Realizing this, I was forced to ask him, "Have you forgotten September the 11th?" Obviously, he had.

Dear readers, this is why those of us who love America continuously ask the terrorist-appeasers if they've forgotten the lessons of September the 11th. They have. And it's our job to shame them into supporting America and our divinely-inspired President.

Those of you who have forgotten September the 11th, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 9/14/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's "Thursdays with Theodore!" Let's get straight to your questions.

Mark writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

Thank you for providing the new "FeedBlitz" service for your site, allowing me to read your latest published material each morning when I wake up. This, in turn, prepares me for my day of fighting for the truth. And all I had to do was enter my email address, type in a verification tag, and click a verification link in an email I received to confirm my subscription! Could you have made this any easier for your readers?

-Mark S.

Mark, thank you for your kind words. If I had the time, I would call each and every one of my loyal followers and opine on the west-coast, liberal elite, but alas, there aren't enough hours in the day for me to give each reader the time he or she deserves. For now, this will have to serve.

Susan writes:

Dear Theodore,

Who are you endorsing for the November 7th elections?

-Susan F.

Susan, that's a great question. I should take this opportunity to announce my endorsement policy. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., do not voluntarily endorse any candidates, although I will urge voters to consider the most pro-American candidate and provide information on who that person is. If a candidate wants me to endorse them, they must first contact me before I'll consider this.

You see, dear readers, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have a lot of political clout behind my name. I don't lightly lend this to anyone. To receive my endorsement, someone on the candidate's staff must contact me. If, upon hearing the candidate's platform, I decide to endorse the candidate, the campaign must provide travel, lodging, and dining fees for me to come and stump for the candidate. Then, and only then, can the candidate proclaim, "I'm endorsed by Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.!"

What does it take for me to approve of one's platform? They must - MUST - support my program to stop the flow of illegal Uruguayan homosexuals over our Mexican border (hear that Randy Graf, Republican nominee in the Arizona 8th? Your anti-immigration platform is somewhat close to mine...you just need to make a slight leap to get my endorsement). And of course, they must support our divinely-inspired President.

As of now, I am not endorsing anyone. But I've seen a lot that I like in Mike Bouchard, Republican Senate nominee in Michigan. You can see a lot of his support for and from the President here:



Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Get Your Questions In, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

Please don't forget to get your questions in for this week's episode of "Thursday's with Theodore!" teddytrumbles@yahoo.com

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A New Service, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

As you may notice just to the right of this post, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have installed an email feed for the blog. By entering your email address, you can receive daily email updates of my new posts. This saves you the trouble of having to open up your web browser and typing in my url. Naturally, I'm always watching out for you, dear readers!

Dear readers, I would appreciate some feedback from you on this. Do you like this update? Do you not want this? Should I somehow change this? Please let me know what you think.

As always, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

They've Forgotten the Lessons of 9/11

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, New Yorkers made Hillary Clinton and Elliot Spitzer the Democratic nominees for one U.S. Senate seat and the Governorship of New York, respectively, investing 80+% of the vote in each candidate. Both of these individuals are, of course, well known members of the west-coast, liberal elite, bow-down-to-the-terrorists-appeasers. You would think that the day after the 9/11 rememberance, New Yorkers might show a desire to protect themselves by voting for a pro-America, pro-security candidate. Leave it to Democratic New Yorkers to vote liberal, though.

Dear readers, these New Yorkers have clearly forgotten the lessons of 9/11 and the need for the war in Iraq. We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. People in the middle of Kansas can see the need to protect New Yorkers by voting for pro-security candidates. It's very odd that New Yorkers themselves can't understand this.

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., hereby propose a Constitutional Amendment to disenfranchise Democratic voters in places at risk of a terrorist attack. While this may seem extreme to some of you, trust me, this is absolutely necessary. New Yorkers clearly don't understand their own self-interests and need people in Wyoming to protect them. This ban would apply, of course, to Chicago, Los Angeles, Seattle, and Detroit as well. It's the only way to keep us safe. The people who live in those places have forgotten the lessons of 9/11.

Dear readers, join me in supporting this amendment right along with the anti-flag burning and anti-gay marriage amendments. Make America great, and help get God back on our side!

New York Democrats, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Toby on Colbert Tonight!

Dear Readers,

I have heard that my hero, Mr. Toby Keith, will be on "The Colbert Report" tonight! Talk about two Americans putting some boots up liberal asses! Make sure you tune in!

Thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

You Just Can't Leave Libs Alone for One Day!

Dear Readers,

Yesterday I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., and conservatives everywhere, put aside our partisanship to support the country. From Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert doing his best to sing the "Star-Spangled Banner," despite not knowing the words, to our divinely-inspired President's blatantly non-political address to the nation in defense of the war in Iraq, real Americans remembered the lessons learned from 9/11. Naturally, though, the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first and appease-terrorists-first crowd couldn't help itself.

Immediately after our divinely-inspired President's speech, Congressional Dems accused W of partisanship. They played politics after the President clearly did not. In the liberal media, perhaps no liberal better embodied this vitriol than Keith Olbermann, the renowned liberal host of MSNBC's "Countdown." The video of this hate-filled diatribe can be found here:



Mr. Olbermann, have YOU no shame? We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. Questioning the President, who only has our best interests in mind, appeases the terrorists. Are you, Mr. Olbermann, a terrorist supporter? Real Americans remember the lessons of 9/11; despite your claims to the contrary, you clearly do not.

The world changed on 9/11. Leave it to the west-coast, liberal elite to use the memory of this day to play politics. They should follow the Republicans' example and set partisanship aside whenever discussing 9/11.

Congressional Democrats and Keith Olbermann, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Remembering 9/11

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., hope that you will indulge me today. While 9/11 provides for some the opportunity for partisan politics, and you might expect that from me, I simply can't do that today. Tomorrow, of course, I'll be back to calling out the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first crowd. But today, I simply can't do it, as I believe that pointing a finger today sullies the memory of those killed 5 years ago. I hope that I have not disappointed you.

Pray for their families. Thank you for loving America.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

"The Onion" (or should I say, "New York Times, part 2?")

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am outraged. Dear readers, you don't need me to tell you any more about the media's liberal bias, but this instance simply crosses the line. On the eve of the 5th anniversary of 9/11, we should commemorate those lost that day and reflect on the lessons learned. Leave it to the liberal media to mock both.

Another liberal rag - this one called "The Onion" - has a current article entitled, "NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole." You can find it here:

NYC Unveils 9/11 Memorial Hole

Not only does this "newspaper" (and I use that term loosely) echo the recent statement of Ray Nagin, that west-coast, liberal elite, loser of a mayor, but they used the deaths of thousands of Americans as the basis for an Anti-American article. Naturally, I'm not surprised. I just thought that on this anniversary, the west-coast, liberal elite, liberal media might show some class. I guess I was wrong.

Things changed on 9/11. Those who hate us for our freedom attacked us to tell us that they hate us for our freedom. Since then, our divinely-inspired President has kept us safe from another attack by showing the courage to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here. These colors don't run.

Dear readers, join me in writing to the editors of this publication and demanding that this defamatory article be removed. To recall the sacrifice of all of the heroes lost on 9/11, make sure you watch "The Path to 9/11" tonight. And finally, make sure you show your love for America tomorrow, whether it's with a song, a prayer, or your own tighty red, blue, and whities.

"The Onion," why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Freedom Flicks: "The Path to 9/11" - Hollywood Movies Actually Supporting America, episode 9/9/06

Dear Readers,

As you are probably aware, ABC (The Anti-American Broadcasting Commies) will be running a two-part movie tomorrow night and Monday that documents the events leading up to the 9/11 tragedy. "The Path to 9/11" is being billed as a docudrama based on the 9/11 Commission Report, but even with these disclaimers, the west-coast, liberal elite fact mongerers have found a reason to bitch and moan about this movie. Is anyone actually shocked? Not I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

They first point to the fact that the movie contains a number of scenes that directly contradict events in the 9/11 Commission Report. Folks, the 9/11 Commission Report was written by a bunch of libs who aimed to relieve the Clinton Administration of their culpability for 9/11. Secondly, the billing for this movie notes that it is a "docudrama" and that it's only "based" on the report - so all viewers are forewarned that they may have taken some creative licenses here. Naturally, this isn't enough to pacify the west-coast, liberal elite.

Next, they like to point out that the director is an avowed, far-right conservative. Apparently, this is bad, even though Hollywood is dominated by far-left libs and you wouldn't hear a peep if this movie solely blamed the Bush Administration. Supposedly, a far-right director with ties to a group that vowed to take over Hollywood and instill conservative values is a bad thing and is supposed to lead to some bias.

In addition, the west-coast, liberal elite like to claim hypocrisy when conservatives make fun of their protesting of this movie, in light of CBS' yanking of the Reagan miniseries several years ago in response to conservative protests. What the libs don't consider is that the mainstream media is dominated by liberals - liberals, liberals everywhere! All that conservatives can do is protest. If liberals decide to show a movie critical of Clinton, then it must be accurate - even if written and directed by a conservative.

Look folks, the jury is still out on 9/11. But we're at war right now, and we need to support the President and our troops. We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. Blaming the Bush Administration would embolden the enemy, but no harm can come from blaming the Clinton Admin. It's a no-brainer, unless you've forgotten the lessons of 9/11.

In their typical way, the west-coast, liberal elite, conspiracy theorists have been protesting to Disney for days. The Clintonistas claim the terrorists, and not an American Administration, are responsible for 9/11, and that the imaginative scenes in the movie should be removed. Some conservative commentators have joined them, and I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am ashamed of them. Leave it to 9/11 discussion to bring out the hate-Bush-first and hate-America-first crowds.

Dear readers, don't miss this movie. After it's over, write to Bill Clinton, Madeline Albright, and Sandy Berger and ask them why they hate America.

"Path to 9/11" protestors, why do you hate America, our troops, and the heroes killed on 9/11?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Reminder: Get to Your Local Theater!

Dear Readers,

I initially made this post a few weeks ago, but today is the perfect time to remind you. Today, you see, a truly American movie will be in a theater near you. "Broken Bridges" features the acting debut of one of my heroes, Toby Keith. Dear readers, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have no idea what this movie is actually about, but knowing what a true patriot Toby is, I'm going to offer you a synopsis of this movie.

The movie opens with Toby shedding a tear after narrowly escaping from the World Trade Center on 9/11, carrying 3 women and 5 children. After carrying the women and children to safety, and seeing the love shared between the mothers and their kids, a new resolve can be seen in Toby's eyes, as he clenches his fists. A close up on his pupils displays a flag waving majestically and an eagle soaring amidst the destruction.

Toby returns home to his native Oklahoma to help his country in the most direct way he can, by creating patriotic music. He enters the studio and records the classic, "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," where he warns Osama that he has a boot with his ass's name on it. Emboldened by our divinely-inspired President's promise that Osama will be caught "dead or alive," Toby formulates a plan to ensure that Osama doesn't get away with this and to guarantee freedom and the sanctity of life.

Toby's classic song plays in the background as he rushes to his garage to gather his shoulder-mounted, rocket-propelled boot launcher, which he hides in his guitar case. Traversing the country in his F-250 (he's "a Ford truck man," after all), Toby uses his weapon to fire explosive boots in all of the abortion clinics within the continental U.S., as he feels compelled to protect all unborn human beings due to his recently increased passion for the sanctity of life. Toby finishes his mission in New York, near Ground Zero, where he develops a more important plan.

The screen fades to black, and comes back up with Toby riding a giant bald eagle (think "Lord of the Rings") named "Liberty" and crossing the Atlantic. Liberty is outfitted with explosive boot missiles, and Toby decides to drop a few on France on his way to the Middle East. Once in Afghanistan, Toby and Liberty zero in on Osama's cave, and he fires a laser-guided boot that finds its way to Osama's ass. We see Osama and his fellow terrorists blown to bits, and they begin their descent to hell where, instead of being rewarded with 72 virgins, they're joined by 72 whiny, America-hating liberals; naturally, they get along great, as their message is the same, but they're still in hell (since they hate God, though, they shouldn't be surprised).

Toby returns to America, where he and Liberty are offered the Congressional Medal of Freedom. Toby thanks the President for this gesture, but requests that the metal be melted down and used to protect the boys fighting in the shit over in Iraq. To further benefit the troops, Toby performs at the Freedom Concert, which he organizes in cooperation with Sean Hannity, and the movie ends with our hero singing "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" in front of a giant screen that is filled with a waving flag. The screen fades, not to black, but to red, white, and blue.


Dear readers, make sure you go see "Broken Bridges" today!*

Toby Keith, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.


*N.B.: actual plot may differ significantly from this synopsis.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 9/7/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" It appears that Willington is finally alive again, although "Wednesdays with Willington" mysteriously appeared on a Thursday...

Let's get to that mailbag.

Willington writes:

Mr. Trumblebunks I'm challenging you to a duel of intellect. I'm prepared to begin the Master Debater series whenever you are ready. I'll even let you pick the first topic. So the question is Teddy, are you man enough to face my superior intellect?

-Franklin Willington


Sure thing, Willington. Name the day. Will you run away for another week, or will you be man enough to show up?


Jack X writes:

Dear Ted,

My question will be a little different this week, but I hope you can help me. I hope I am not too late in sending a question---other endeavors have prevented me from writing to you, not to mention the new LSU e-mail service.

I am a very lost political person. I am a registered Republican who got to vote for the president and congressmen and senators in 2004 for the first time. Naturally, I voted for W., Vitter, Baker, and Simpson.

Lately, being immersed in a more diverse environment where ideas ranging from liberal to libetarian to conspiracy theory have boggled my mind. I find myself without a spine in judging who's right and who's wrong. I have found myself speaking to one person a lot who agrees with a lot of liberal propaganda, such as John Murtha's (whom I still think is the most overrated congressman in Congress today) "change the course or draft people" agenda. This person, we can call, um, F. Willington or maybe Franklin W., anyway, has tried to sway me to accept his liberal propaganda.

I have told you of my fears and worse case scenarios, ranging from getting drafted to getting a bad grade on a math test to a major hurricane worse than Katrina coming straight for my area, but I just don't know how to accept beliefs or whose side is best. I am also fairly OCD swimming in a pool of obsessive thinking that I hope gets drained over the upcoming months.

So, for my question, who should I trust, whom should I believe, and how do I untie all of these knots in my brain made by confusion and reading two to five sides of each arguments?

Peace out,
Jack X

Jack X, that's a very deep question. To undo your confusion, just listen to me. In short, trust the President and the real Republicans. For starters, we haven't been attacked since 9/11 - they've kept us safe. We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here.

More importantly, Republicans are much more fiscally responsible. They're wasting billions on a war, as opposed to the Democrats, who would prefer to waste billions on handouts to lazy Americans. Obviously, safety is better than rewarding laziness. Trust the Republicans.

Finally, Republicans are pro-family values, unlike the abort-children-first liberals. We're pro-life, as long as you ignore that death penalty, the war, etc. You like life, don't you?

This administration tells us that questioning either the war or the President is un-American. And since I know that you love America, you need to fall in line with the other Republicans.

Given all of these factors, if you love America and children, you should be a Republican.


Jack X also writes:

Sorry to bother you again, Ted,

When speaking to Franklin Willington on a cell phone, I jokingly ended our conversation saying "I love you," and he got very mad at me. How can someone with very liberal perspectives get angry when a fellow brother of his tells him he loves him, of course, not like a spouse or significant other? Have any answers, or is FW a phony?

Jack X, you and my other dear and loyal readers needn't ever fear that you're bothering me - I'm here to serve all of you! Anyway, you'll learn over time that the west-coast, liberal elite are hypocrites. They say they like safety, but they appease terrorists. They're pro-gay rights, but secretly homophobic. Just another reason to go Republican!

Thank you for all of the great questions, dear readers, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Leave it to Liberals - Coddling the Terrorists

Dear Readers,

Today, our divinely-inspired President was forced, as a result of liberal pressure, to acknowledge our clandestine terrorist incapacitation centers throughout the world. As if we needed more evidence that liberals would rather that we have to fight them here than fight them there, liberal activist judges first ruled the military tribunals of Gitmo illegal and the west-coast, liberal elite, human rights activists have now forced us to disclose this tool in the War on Terror. If anything happens, the blood will be on their hands.

These terrorists hate us for our freedom. Apparently liberals do, too. Our divinely-inspired President and his Administration are doing all they can to keep us safe, yet they keep facing obstacles from obstructionist Americans. If 2/3 of Americans believe a foolish thing, such as that the War on Terror is not keeping us safe, it's still a foolish thing!

Dear readers, make sure to watch "The Path to 9/11" this Sunday, to see our divinely-inspired President vindicated for 9/11, and the blame placed solely where it should be - on that liberal, Bill Clinton. Now, west-coast, liberal elite intelligence officials from both Clinton and Bush's administrations have said this movie is simply packed with lies, but don't listen to them. Listen to your heart - which will tell you it's all Bill Clinton's fault.

Terrorist-coddling liberals, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Little Texas Tea!

Dear Readers,

A potentially huge supply of oil has been found in the Gulf of Mexico. As a result, our economy is about to take off. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have always said that when big oil does well, our economy does well. And we're in for good times.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite environmentalists want to tell me that focusing so much on the Gulf, in light of last year's problems with Hurricane Katrina and the oil rigs already in the Gulf, is unwise. Further, they point to potential increased degradation of the environment, especially in terms of barrier islands that used to protect Gulf states from hurricanes, that may make these states even more vulnerable. And so on, and so on. They're whining never stops.

Dear readers, don't let these party poopers spoil your fun. Invest in Chevron stocks TODAY. Remember, a rising tide lifts all boats, and corporate profits trickle down to the poorest in our society - ALWAYS. Celebrate good times, dear readers!

Big oil, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Another Commie Holiday

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., cannot figure out the need for a Communist, worker-oriented holiday like Labor Day. In a world where God has provide the free market, we need people to actually participate in that market to make things work. Our ability to participate in the free market, even for low wages, is why the terrorists hate us. They hate us for our freedom to make $5.15/hr. or more!

Well, old Teddy didn't take this lying down. Today was business as usual for me. You snooze, you lose. More importantly, by not showing one's Protestant work ethic, that person shows that they hate both America and God. Naturally, this category includes the west-coast, liberal elite, holding-out-their-hands Democrats.

Dear readers, I ask you to join me in writing to your CongressMEN and ask that Labor Day be abolished as a holiday. Support the market. Support America. Support God.

Labor Day lovers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What Time is it, Dear Readers? Game Time!

Dear Readers,

I apologize for my recent absence. My schedule in working on my part of another publication involved a deadline yesterday that I had to devote my full attention to. But I'm back, and ready to get after it again, dear readers!

I'm often asked, "Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., how do I know how to pick winners in college football games? How can one possibly distinguish between so many teams of 18-21 year-olds? Can you please share your wisdom?" I'm more than happy to oblige.

Dear readers, you see, the first line of distinction comes between red states and blue states. Since blue states contain a bunch of pansies, teams from those states will, without a doubt, be terrible. Red states are where you'll find real Americans. Consequently, your highest ranked teams should be from red states.

Beyond this, there are a few other factors to consider. Notre Dame, for example, is in a red state; they, however, are a bunch of papists whose first allegiance is to Rome, not to America, so ignore them. Additionally, any team located in a red state that has a strong national following is, without a doubt, cheered on by a number of liberals, so you have to ignore Texas, Ohio State, Miami, Oklahoma, Nebraska, and Florida State, for example. Finally, universities in liberal cities in red states are also out, so there's a double whammy for Miami.

Where does this leave us? The Theodore Trumblebunks I, Esq., top 10 (after this weekend's games) currently reads:

1) Tennessee
2) Florida
3) Clemson
4) Louisville
5) West Virginia
6) Auburn
7) Georgia
8) Ole Miss
9) TCU
10) South Carolina

Dear readers, be sure to check back each week for an updated top 10 list!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.