Reminder: Get to Your Local Theater!
Dear Readers,
I initially made this post a few weeks ago, but today is the perfect time to remind you. Today, you see, a truly American movie will be in a theater near you. "Broken Bridges" features the acting debut of one of my heroes, Toby Keith. Dear readers, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have no idea what this movie is actually about, but knowing what a true patriot Toby is, I'm going to offer you a synopsis of this movie.
The movie opens with Toby shedding a tear after narrowly escaping from the World Trade Center on 9/11, carrying 3 women and 5 children. After carrying the women and children to safety, and seeing the love shared between the mothers and their kids, a new resolve can be seen in Toby's eyes, as he clenches his fists. A close up on his pupils displays a flag waving majestically and an eagle soaring amidst the destruction.
Toby returns home to his native Oklahoma to help his country in the most direct way he can, by creating patriotic music. He enters the studio and records the classic, "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," where he warns Osama that he has a boot with his ass's name on it. Emboldened by our divinely-inspired President's promise that Osama will be caught "dead or alive," Toby formulates a plan to ensure that Osama doesn't get away with this and to guarantee freedom and the sanctity of life.
Toby's classic song plays in the background as he rushes to his garage to gather his shoulder-mounted, rocket-propelled boot launcher, which he hides in his guitar case. Traversing the country in his F-250 (he's "a Ford truck man," after all), Toby uses his weapon to fire explosive boots in all of the abortion clinics within the continental U.S., as he feels compelled to protect all unborn human beings due to his recently increased passion for the sanctity of life. Toby finishes his mission in New York, near Ground Zero, where he develops a more important plan.
The screen fades to black, and comes back up with Toby riding a giant bald eagle (think "Lord of the Rings") named "Liberty" and crossing the Atlantic. Liberty is outfitted with explosive boot missiles, and Toby decides to drop a few on France on his way to the Middle East. Once in Afghanistan, Toby and Liberty zero in on Osama's cave, and he fires a laser-guided boot that finds its way to Osama's ass. We see Osama and his fellow terrorists blown to bits, and they begin their descent to hell where, instead of being rewarded with 72 virgins, they're joined by 72 whiny, America-hating liberals; naturally, they get along great, as their message is the same, but they're still in hell (since they hate God, though, they shouldn't be surprised).
Toby returns to America, where he and Liberty are offered the Congressional Medal of Freedom. Toby thanks the President for this gesture, but requests that the metal be melted down and used to protect the boys fighting in the shit over in Iraq. To further benefit the troops, Toby performs at the Freedom Concert, which he organizes in cooperation with Sean Hannity, and the movie ends with our hero singing "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" in front of a giant screen that is filled with a waving flag. The screen fades, not to black, but to red, white, and blue.
Dear readers, make sure you go see "Broken Bridges" today!*
Toby Keith, thank you for loving America!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
*N.B.: actual plot may differ significantly from this synopsis.
I initially made this post a few weeks ago, but today is the perfect time to remind you. Today, you see, a truly American movie will be in a theater near you. "Broken Bridges" features the acting debut of one of my heroes, Toby Keith. Dear readers, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have no idea what this movie is actually about, but knowing what a true patriot Toby is, I'm going to offer you a synopsis of this movie.
The movie opens with Toby shedding a tear after narrowly escaping from the World Trade Center on 9/11, carrying 3 women and 5 children. After carrying the women and children to safety, and seeing the love shared between the mothers and their kids, a new resolve can be seen in Toby's eyes, as he clenches his fists. A close up on his pupils displays a flag waving majestically and an eagle soaring amidst the destruction.
Toby returns home to his native Oklahoma to help his country in the most direct way he can, by creating patriotic music. He enters the studio and records the classic, "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," where he warns Osama that he has a boot with his ass's name on it. Emboldened by our divinely-inspired President's promise that Osama will be caught "dead or alive," Toby formulates a plan to ensure that Osama doesn't get away with this and to guarantee freedom and the sanctity of life.
Toby's classic song plays in the background as he rushes to his garage to gather his shoulder-mounted, rocket-propelled boot launcher, which he hides in his guitar case. Traversing the country in his F-250 (he's "a Ford truck man," after all), Toby uses his weapon to fire explosive boots in all of the abortion clinics within the continental U.S., as he feels compelled to protect all unborn human beings due to his recently increased passion for the sanctity of life. Toby finishes his mission in New York, near Ground Zero, where he develops a more important plan.
The screen fades to black, and comes back up with Toby riding a giant bald eagle (think "Lord of the Rings") named "Liberty" and crossing the Atlantic. Liberty is outfitted with explosive boot missiles, and Toby decides to drop a few on France on his way to the Middle East. Once in Afghanistan, Toby and Liberty zero in on Osama's cave, and he fires a laser-guided boot that finds its way to Osama's ass. We see Osama and his fellow terrorists blown to bits, and they begin their descent to hell where, instead of being rewarded with 72 virgins, they're joined by 72 whiny, America-hating liberals; naturally, they get along great, as their message is the same, but they're still in hell (since they hate God, though, they shouldn't be surprised).
Toby returns to America, where he and Liberty are offered the Congressional Medal of Freedom. Toby thanks the President for this gesture, but requests that the metal be melted down and used to protect the boys fighting in the shit over in Iraq. To further benefit the troops, Toby performs at the Freedom Concert, which he organizes in cooperation with Sean Hannity, and the movie ends with our hero singing "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" in front of a giant screen that is filled with a waving flag. The screen fades, not to black, but to red, white, and blue.
Dear readers, make sure you go see "Broken Bridges" today!*
Toby Keith, thank you for loving America!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
*N.B.: actual plot may differ significantly from this synopsis.
posted by Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. at 1:21 PM
4 Comments:
I hope that you dislike the Dixie Chicks and Natalie as much as I do.
C. Oxford
C. Oxford,
Welcome! Please come back any time, and comment as often as you'd like. While you're at it, please spread the good word of "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks" to anyone you know who might be interested!
You hit the nail on the head. The Dixie Chicks, especially the chubby one, are nothing more than members of the west-coast,liberal elite, hate America first crowd. Now, some want to forgive them by saying they were simply expressing their opinion, and that dissent is actually one of the highest forms of patriotism. Well, I'm not buying it.
These are different times. We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. We need to support our divinely-inspired President. We need a little less appeasement and a lot more boots up asses!
C. Oxford, thank you for loving America!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
Teddy, does it piss you off that Toby's movie is a chick flick?
And I am clearly winning. You mentioned all "that shit" in Iraq. If we were winning the war, there wouldn't be much shit left since we've been there for 3 years now. You are weakened Trumblebumpkins
Toby is versatile enough to do any type of movie he wants, and at the end of the day, still be a legitimate threat to implant a boot in your posterior.
You misread me, Willington. By "the shit," I'm talking about the proverbial mud and muck of war. War is hell. By not empathizing with our soldiers, you weaken them and strengthen the opposition.
Willington, why do you hate America and our soldiers?
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
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