Freedom Flicks: Hollywood Movies Actually Supporting America, episode 8/19/06
Dear Readers,
In less than three weeks, a truly American movie will be coming to a theater near you. On September 8th, "Broken Bridges" will feature the acting debut of one of my heroes, Toby Keith. Dear readers, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have no idea what this movie is actually about, but knowing what a true patriot Toby is, I'm going to offer you a synopsis of this movie.
The movie opens with Toby shedding a tear after narrowly escaping from the World Trade Center on 9/11, carrying 3 women and 5 children. After carrying the women and children to safety, and seeing the love shared between the mothers and their kids, a new resolve can be seen in Toby's eyes, as he clenches his fists. A close up on his pupils displays a flag waving majestically and an eagle soaring amidst the destruction.
Toby returns home to his native Oklahoma to help his country in the most direct way he can, by creating patriotic music. He enters the studio and records the classic, "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," where he warns Osama that he has a boot with his ass's name on it. Emboldened by our divinely-inspired President's promise that Osama will be caught "dead or alive," Toby formulates a plan to ensure that Osama doesn't get away with this and to guarantee freedom and the sanctity of life.
Toby's classic song plays in the background as he rushes to his garage to gather his shoulder-mounted, rocket-propelled boot launcher, which he hides in his guitar case. Traversing the country in his F-250 (he's "a Ford truck man," after all), Toby uses his weapon to fire explosive boots in all of the abortion clinics within the continental U.S., as he feels compelled to protect all unborn human beings due to his recently increased passion for the sanctity of life. Toby finishes his mission in New York, near Ground Zero, where he develops a more important plan.
The screen fades to black, and comes back up with Toby riding a giant bald eagle (think "Lord of the Rings") named "Liberty" and crossing the Atlantic. Liberty is outfitted with explosive boot missiles, and Toby decides to drop a few on France on his way to the Middle East. Once in Afghanistan, Toby and Liberty zero in on Osama's cave, and he fires a laser-guided boot that finds its way to Osama's ass. We see Osama and his fellow terrorists blown to bits, and they begin their descent to hell where, instead of being rewarded with 72 virgins, they're joined by 72 whiny, America-hating liberals; naturally, they get along great, as their message is the same, but they're still in hell (since they hate God, though, they shouldn't be surprised).
Toby returns to America, where he and Liberty are offered the Congressional Medal of Freedom. Toby thanks the President for this gesture, but requests that the metal be melted down and used to protect the boys fighting in the shit over in Iraq. To further benefit the troops, Toby performs at the Freedom Concert, which he organizes in cooperation with Sean Hannity, and the movie ends with our hero singing "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" in front of a giant screen that is filled with a waving flag. The screen fades, not to black, but to red, white, and blue.
Dear readers, make sure you order your tickets for "Broken Bridges" today!*
Toby Keith, thank you for loving America!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
*N.B.: actual plot may differ significantly from this synopsis.
In less than three weeks, a truly American movie will be coming to a theater near you. On September 8th, "Broken Bridges" will feature the acting debut of one of my heroes, Toby Keith. Dear readers, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have no idea what this movie is actually about, but knowing what a true patriot Toby is, I'm going to offer you a synopsis of this movie.
The movie opens with Toby shedding a tear after narrowly escaping from the World Trade Center on 9/11, carrying 3 women and 5 children. After carrying the women and children to safety, and seeing the love shared between the mothers and their kids, a new resolve can be seen in Toby's eyes, as he clenches his fists. A close up on his pupils displays a flag waving majestically and an eagle soaring amidst the destruction.
Toby returns home to his native Oklahoma to help his country in the most direct way he can, by creating patriotic music. He enters the studio and records the classic, "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," where he warns Osama that he has a boot with his ass's name on it. Emboldened by our divinely-inspired President's promise that Osama will be caught "dead or alive," Toby formulates a plan to ensure that Osama doesn't get away with this and to guarantee freedom and the sanctity of life.
Toby's classic song plays in the background as he rushes to his garage to gather his shoulder-mounted, rocket-propelled boot launcher, which he hides in his guitar case. Traversing the country in his F-250 (he's "a Ford truck man," after all), Toby uses his weapon to fire explosive boots in all of the abortion clinics within the continental U.S., as he feels compelled to protect all unborn human beings due to his recently increased passion for the sanctity of life. Toby finishes his mission in New York, near Ground Zero, where he develops a more important plan.
The screen fades to black, and comes back up with Toby riding a giant bald eagle (think "Lord of the Rings") named "Liberty" and crossing the Atlantic. Liberty is outfitted with explosive boot missiles, and Toby decides to drop a few on France on his way to the Middle East. Once in Afghanistan, Toby and Liberty zero in on Osama's cave, and he fires a laser-guided boot that finds its way to Osama's ass. We see Osama and his fellow terrorists blown to bits, and they begin their descent to hell where, instead of being rewarded with 72 virgins, they're joined by 72 whiny, America-hating liberals; naturally, they get along great, as their message is the same, but they're still in hell (since they hate God, though, they shouldn't be surprised).
Toby returns to America, where he and Liberty are offered the Congressional Medal of Freedom. Toby thanks the President for this gesture, but requests that the metal be melted down and used to protect the boys fighting in the shit over in Iraq. To further benefit the troops, Toby performs at the Freedom Concert, which he organizes in cooperation with Sean Hannity, and the movie ends with our hero singing "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" in front of a giant screen that is filled with a waving flag. The screen fades, not to black, but to red, white, and blue.
Dear readers, make sure you order your tickets for "Broken Bridges" today!*
Toby Keith, thank you for loving America!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
*N.B.: actual plot may differ significantly from this synopsis.
posted by Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. at 4:25 PM
6 Comments:
Toby Keith is a pussy. If he was any kind of man, he would have enlisted in the Army on 9/12 instead of annoying the world with cheesy pseudo-patriotic crap anthems. It doesn't take any courage to sing a song about putting a boot in somebody's ass. It takes a lot of courage to put your money where your (big) mouth is and actually do something about it. But, no, he feels he's serving the country better by cranking out lame, cliche-ridden music that makes country radio sound like the property of ignorant rednecks. I can only hope his movie doesn't suck as bad as his music does.
Christian,
Welcome to my blog, and please come back and comment often.
If you don't mind me asking, why the need for all of the cursing and name-calling? Is it your inherent liberal hatred and vileness coming out? If so, Christian, why do you hate America?
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
I saw the trailer on youtube Teddy, I hate to be the one to inform you, but this movie has nothing to do with Bin Laden. I'm sure it'll be the best movie since Pure Country....
BOYCOTT THIS MOVIE! IF IT WAS MADE IN AMERICA ESPECIALLY!!!!!!!1
Funny, funny stuff .. the saddest thing about Toby Keith is that nowadays he has his publicist, whenever asked about it, say that our Toby has always voted Democrat .. guess the flag-waving didn't quite pay off enough!
Willington, shut it. They're saving the best parts for the theater, not the trailer. Plus, I noted that I know nothing about the movie, but I'm certain this is what it will likely be about. When he's firing explosive boot missiles, you'll know who called it first.
Willington, why do you hate America?
Reel Fanatic,
Welcome! Do come back as often as you'd like and comment when you feel the urge!
I think Toby's publicist just does that to try to throw off the scent of the west-coast, liberal elite and to try to expand Toby's enormous fan base. Real Americans know he's a good conservative, and that's what matters.
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
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