Too Enraged to Think Straight

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have no doubt that you have heard the Supreme Court's decision in Hamdan v. Rumsfeld. If you haven't, let me sum it up for you: a bunch of liberal activist judges said that terrorists should be able to roam freely on our streets, because the President cannot try them in military tribunals; they want us to have to fight them here rather than fighting them there. Now, some say the Court's decision is broad and opens the door for the President to do the same things as we've been doing, so long as he has Congressional approval. These west-coast, liberal elite, liberal activist judge apologists fail to convince us real Americans, though.

Dear readers, this is just another example of a liberal activist Court run amuck. Now, west-coast, liberal elite, Constitutional law scholars want to tell me that the Court is made up of 7 Republicans and 2 Democrats. But if that's true, how can we keep getting all of these liberal activist decisions? I think these Justices are wolves in sheep's clothing, wearing the Republican persona only so they can become a Justice on the Court.

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., apologize to you, my dear readers, for being unable to provide more analysis. I'm simply too enraged at the moment to think or type straight. I hope to provide more analysis later.

Justices Scalia, Thomas, and Alito, thank you for loving America!

Justices Stevens, Ginsburg, Souter, Kennedy, and Breyer, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Addendum - Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 6/29/06

Dear Readers,

I received a question late last night for this week's Thursdays with Theodore episode. Rather than roll it over to next week, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to answer now so as to serve my dear and loyal readers with my insight.

The question, from that Godless liberal Willington, reads:

Hi Ted,

Do you plan on seeing Al Gore's movie?

-Franklin Willington

No. Willington, I've already debunked the myth of global warming in "Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 6/15/06." Why would I go throw more money to this west-coast, liberal elite liar? If he wants to save the environment, perhaps Mr. Gore shouldn't be flying all over the world to promote this movie of lies.

Al Gore and Willington, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 6/29/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to the third edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., hope that everyone is having a great week, despite the failure of the anti-flag burning amendment. Without further adieu, let me get to this week's mail.

One of my most loyal and America-loving readers, Jack X, has submitted a multi-part question, and I wish to provide my insight now. Jack X asked:

I am interested in hearing about your stance on certain activist groups, like PETA. Also, don't you find it ironic or interesting that Congressman John Murtha made the huge hype about bringing troops home from Iraq such that he received the Kennedy Profiles in Courage Award while beforehand, he supported the invasion, and was one of the two congressmen who voted for the return of the draft (Charlie Rangel's bill)?

Sincerely,
Jack X

Jack, I applaud you on your description of groups such as PETA. They're nothing but a bunch of whiny activists (a bunch of whiny west-coast, liberal elite activists mind you). Look, God gave us animals to eat, and God wouldn't have placed us at the top of the food chain if we weren't meant to hunt and eat all of the inferior animals. And it would be wasteful not to wear the leftover skins, furs, and hides. Do these west-coast, liberal elite, tree-hugging activists want us to be wasteful? I don't think so.

I'll address other liberal, America-hating, activists groups such as the ACLU in the days and weeks to come. Suffice it to say, I have a very similar view of them as I do of PETA!

As for Congressman Murtha, could anyone be more un-American? If our divinely-inspired President has taught us anything, it's that one must not change their mind once a stance has been taken, despite how the facts or situation may change. Yet here's old senile Murtha, flip-flopping in his stance. Really, who's more qualified to talk about defense and national security, a decorated veteran and warhawk who's had a conversion, like Murtha, or high-ranking, draft-dodging administration officials, such as Karl Rove and Dick Cheney? Naturally, it's the administration. Leave it to a bunch of liberals like the Kennedy Profiles in Courage Award givers to honor such a flip-flopping, west-coast, liberal elite, America-hating, military-hating, Congressman. Have they no shame?

Jack X and other dear readers, as always, thank you for your question, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Quick Reminder

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to submit your questions for tomorrow's edition of "Thursday's with Theodore!" You can send your questions to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Thank you, dear readers, for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

An Eye-Opening Trip, Part III

Dear Readers,

Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., would like to conclude my tale of my startling trip to the Field Museum. I've previously discussed liberal lies they've spread about the age of the earth and evolution. Today, I wish to address the greatest villain in history: Charles Darwin.

As you and I know, Darwin invented evolution. Now, I've had west-coast, liberal elite anthropologists tell me that evolution pre-dated Darwin, and that the word "evolution" does not appear in Origin of Species until the last paragraph. Naturally, however, old Teddy isn't falling for it, and I won't allow my dear and loyal readers to be led astray.

Folks, the west-coast, liberal elite venerate Darwin the same way real Americans venerate Jesus, which is understandable since liberals and scientists are all Godless. For these liberals, Darwin is as big of a hero as Lenin or Stalin. These stupid liberals even have dolls of this clown that they play with and indoctrinate their children (who are our future, by the way, as frightening as that is) with:


This guy, however, came up with the theory that we come from monkeys by looking at birds and turtles! I don't know about you, but what a finch's beak has to do with my life is beyond me. Yet this is the evidence for Darwin's evolution!

There is one simple answer for the variation among animals: God made them that way. Yet Darwin sat in his room, imagined that he sailed across an ocean on a beagle to look at animals, and then wrote a book to get rich and brainwash mindless liberals. And they've bought it, hand over fist. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., would like to know, if I came from a monkey, where's my tail?

Darwinian liberals, why do you hate America and God?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Home Sweet Home!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am back home now (in a red state, thank God!) and will be resuming full-time my fight against the west-coast, liberal elite. I apologize for not giving you a post on Saturday. I will work to regain your trust and confidence in the days ahead!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

An Eye-Opening Trip, Part II

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., promised yesterday to share more of my experiences from the west-coast, liberal elite Field Museum with you. Far be it from me to disappoint you, my dear and loyal readers! Part I discussed these liberals' take on the age of the earth. Let me now address an even more dangerous and ridiculous idea: evolution.

It's obvious to anyone with a brain that we didn't come from monkeys. Yet, this is what the west-coast, liberal elite scientists want us to believe. For them, all of life came from a monkey. Dinosaurs, whales, birds, frogs, and people, all from a monkey. Folks, as you clearly realize, that would have to be one magical monkey!

The origin of life can be found in the Bible. Not only is it in there, but you can even find two versions, in case you doubt one of them. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite theologians want to say the two versions are somewhat incompatible and point to this as evidence that the Bible should not be read literally. These Godless liberals want us to believe God didn't write the Bible. This is one of those areas where I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have drawn a line in the sand, and I will not allow these liberal lies to persist!

This evolution bunk comes from Darwin and his invention of evolution. Dear readers, you know as well as I do how ridiculous Darwinism is, but I will discuss this nutcase and his inventions tomorrow on the last part of my discussion of my trip to the Field Museum. Suffice it to say, few historical figures are as ridiculous as this guy who claimed to sail around on a beagle!

Scientists, why do you hate God and America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

An Eye-Opening Trip, Part I

Dear Readers,

Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., had a truly horrifying experience, as I went with Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., to the Field Museum in Chicago. I, of course, do realize that I should have known what was in store, but I entered with an open mind, which is something that the west-coast, liberal elite is incapable of. My experience has left me with several stories to share, which I will do over the next few days. For now, I'll start with one of the most blatant attempts of liberal revisionist history.

One of the sections that we entered traced the evolution of the earth (I'll be addressing and debunking the evolution myth in the days to come, dear readers). The event started with the first known signs of life on earth, and they said that was something like four-thousand trillion years ago, although I can't recall for certain, as I was so outraged. This is the junk they're teaching our children, who are our future!

All of us open-minded Americans know that the earth is only 6,000 years old. How do we know this? The Bible tells us so. Yet the Godless, west-coast, liberal elite geologists and anthropologists and biologists want to tell us that it's much older! Do they not read the same Bible as us real Americans?

This is the biggest problem with our education system today. These "scientists" want to make up garbage just to be contrarians to the Bible. This is what they want to feed our children. Why else are our kids becoming a bunch of Darwin-loving, west-coast, liberal elite?

Archaeologists, Anthropologists, Biologists, and Geologists, why do you hate the Bible and America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Real American

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to defend a real American hero who has recently come under attack. J. Dennis Hastert, our heroic and virtuous Speaker of the House, has taken quite a bashing from the liberal media in the last few days. Long story short, land that Hastert and a group of co-owners had purchased for a minimal price was sold for a $2 million profit; shortly thereafter, a road project was pushed through Congress to build a freeway close to this land, which would increase the value substantially. In effect, the purchaser would be able to recoup his losses.

As you can imagine, the whining, west-coast, liberal elites are now beside themselves. These ethics-rule-hugging sandal floppers want to say that this is improper behavior. They point to a similar deal worked out last year by two southern California Republicans and say this somehow furthers the charge of Republicans as being a "culture of corruption." And I am outraged.

Dear readers, these Congressmen are simply participating in the free market. Making a purchase and selling for more later is part of the American dream. If someone has to use their position of power to sweeten the deal, so be it! They won election, so they've earned the right to do this. The American people have spoken by electing these officials, yet the west-coast, liberal elite want to ignore our democratic system. These liberals want some socialism and communism thrown in to restrict our markets. Obviously, you can see the threat we face.

This is why we must destroy the Godless, illegal-immigration-loving, west-coast, liberal elite. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., pledge to you, my dear and loyal readers, that I will not rest until I have succeeded.

Ethics rules lovers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Upcoming Absence

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be going out of town for the weekend, and will return on Tuesday. I will attempt to post each day for you, but I am unsure how often I will be able to serve you, my dear and loyal readers. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Thank you, dear readers, for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Kill Two Birds with One Brilliant Stone

Dear Readers,

At this crucial time in our nation's history, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., along with all of you, realize that there are two threats to our way of life and security greater than any others out there: gay marriage and Uruguayans streaming over our Mexican border. Far be it from me to question our divinely-inspired President, but these problems have yet to be addressed properly. Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to offer you, my dear and loyal readers, a comprehensive solution.

Folks, what we need to do is this: have all of the gay people in our country build a giant wall along the U.S.-Mexican border. Think about it. Teaching these west-coast, liberal elites the value of hard work will convert them to straightdom instantly, while also protecting our safety and way of life. What better way to turn men into straight conservatives than to have them hammering away in the sun in wife beaters, cut-offs, and black boots? Meanwhile, lesbians can be employed to cook and clean for them in the barracks, and all of our problems we'll be solved, as they'll all be converted and instilled with good American values!

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite geographers want to tell me again that Uruguay isn't close to the Mexican border. Furthermore, the west-coast, liberal elite, tree-hugging psychologists and sociologists want to tell me that homosexuals can't be "converted." I'm not buying it. Evangelical churches convert them to straightness all of the time. And what better way to convert them than to teach them male values and the value of hard work, sweating together in the sun all day, and then sleeping in the same barracks at night? You're right: there is no better way!

This is a plan that I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., believe that my heroes Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell would love, and I hope that our divinely-inspired President will feel the same way. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite theologians want to say that homosexuality isn't explicitly condemned in the Bible and that the whole Sodom and Gomorrah story has been misconstrued. But rational people like Pat and Jerry know better, as do I. The 5th Commandment says, "Honor they father and thy mother," which implies that sex is for procreation only and that all families should have a father and a mother. After all, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Dear readers, I intend to introduce my idea through my favorite Congressman, Rick Santorum, as part of a piece of legislation. It will be called: Reinforcing And Indemnifying National Borders, Orientation-changing Waywards, or R.A.I.N.B.O.W. for short.

Homosexual Uruguayans, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 6/22/06

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., would like to take this opportunity to address questions sent in from my loyal readers. As you know, Willington has copied me on this. Since he hates America, and I love America, you should stick with the original, dear readers!

To the mailbag:

Why are you afraid of Franklin Willington posting on your blog? Why won't you stay true to your original word? Has Franklin won?

-Franklin Willington

Willington, you already do post on my blog through all of your comments. More importantly, I gave you your own blog. Instead of complaining like the whining, west-coast, liberal elite, be grateful for what you have. My blog is about loving America, which you don't. Therefore, I refuse to allow you to spew your vitriol to my loyal readers.

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks,

I have a question for you. Who do you think is the most underrated US president in American history, and who do you think is the most overrated US president in American history and why?

Thank you,
Jack X

The most underrated President is easily Richard Milhous Nixon. Much like our current divinely-inspired President, Nixon led our nation valiantly in the time of a war that brought out the whines of the west-coast, surrenderist, liberal elite. More importantly, he created many of the predecessors to the domestic information gathering systems that W has been using to keep us safe! Yet, when the liberal media is droning on and on about the President and the NSA, they use their bias to ignore the original, Richard Milhous Nixon.

The most overrated is Dwight David Eisenhower. Now, this has nothing to do with him as a person or his life history. He was a war hero and a real American, and should be praised as such. But once decision of his, and one that he personally lamented in his later years, ruined our nation forever: Eisenhower chose Earl Warren to be the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, ushering in the beginning of the west-coast, liberal elite, liberal activist Supreme Court. For that reason, and that reason alone, Ike is overrated.


There you have it, dear readers. Thank you for all of your questions and comments, and I look forward to serving you with my thoughts in the next episode of "Thursdays with Theodore."

Willington, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Reminders

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to email your questions for "Thursdays with Theodore." The address, once again, is teddytrumbles@yahoo.com. Pay no mind to the fact that Willington directly copied this feature of mine without making any creative modifications of his own!

Also, don't forget to cheer for our country's soccer team tomorrow morning, 8:30ish a.m. (RAT).

Thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Hoist Those Trophies High, You Real Americans!

Dear Readers,

Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., was asked my thoughts on the two championship victories over the last two days in the NHL and NBA, respectively. Having had the opportunity to reflect upon this question, I now wish to offer my insight to you, my dear and loyal readers.

The victories of the Hurricanes and Heat provide a sign of things to come in November. Think about it folks. What color is the Heat's non-white jersey? Red. What color is the Mavericks'? Blue. In the NHL, what color is the Hurricanes'? Red. And the Oilers'? You guessed it: blue. What "color" of a state is Florida? Red. Carolina? Red.

These championships are representative of the victory of virtuous conservatism over the west-coast, liberal elite. Now, those same liberal elite geographers who were on my case just this past weekend wish to cry, "But Texas is a red state too," and, "Edmonton is 'the Texas of Canada,' a conservative island in a land of socialism." As usual, these liberal elite geographers miss the point.

The Heat fought back from an 0-2 hole that nearly went to 0-3, while the Hurricanes had to fend off a vicious attack in 7 games after going up 3-1 on the Oilers. Now, the liberal media wants to use their fancy liberal elite "polls" to tell us that Republicans are in trouble come November. These godless liberals ignore the truth, due to their lack of faith, as they fail to see that God picked these teams to win to let real Americans know that everything will be alright come November!

In addition, the west-coast, liberal elite, liberal media at the ESPN studios in Bristol, Connecticut, want to tell us that the Hurricanes used to be the Hartford Whalers, and I even heard some last night claim that they considered it to be a Stanley Cup win for the Hartford Whalers! Folks, these liberals simply can't come to grips with the dominance and logic of conservatism, and insist instead, despite losing at the polls and on the ice, to claim victory for liberals. That's why we call them "snivelcrats."

Now, some of these west-coast, liberal elites also want to point to mounds of evidence that the 2000 election results in Florida were incorrect, combined with the extensive evidence of election fraud in Ohio in 2004, and compare these to the seemingly fraudulent calls Dwayne Wade got late in the NBA Finals, arguing none of the results were fairly achieved. Liberals, I've got one word for you: get over it!

Those of you who can't accept that the Carolina Hurricanes and Miami Heat, teams from good red states, are champions of their leagues, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Happy Anniversary!

Dear Readers,

Today, we celebrate a milestone, as today marks the one-month anniversary since the launch of "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks." And what a month it's been! The readership has been constantly growing, and we've certainly put the west-coast, liberal elite in their place. As you know, however, our mission is not over by any means, but we will continue to rid America and the world of the disease of liberalism!

Dear readers, the reviews are in, and I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to share these with you now. Below, you will find four reviews by members of the liberal media who, despite their ideological misgivings, cannot deny the impact of "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks":

"Theodore Trumblebunks is a real . . . American." -Phillip Head, State College Sentinel

"This is the [guy] . . . who celebrates . . . America." -Cy Shaft, Brusly Bulletin

"Anyone who loves America will . . . read 'The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks.'" -Brian Ball, Spokane Sun

"Thank you for loving America." -C. Monkey, Marengo Minute

Not convinced yet? In less than a week, Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report has copied parts of two of my columns, "Alberto?" and "Sam's Army" on his show. Folks, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am not suggesting that Mr. Colbert has plagiarized me in any way. I simply use this example to show how real Americans who love America think alike. Much like old Teddy, Mr. Colbert shows the absurdity of liberalism each night on his show. Thank you, Stephen, for loving America!

You're thinking, "What lies ahead for you, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.?" Well, aside from stamping out the disease of liberalism, the Theodore Trumblebunks network will soon be growing again. Last week, Franklin Willington joined the team, and in the next few days, a new writer will be joining. He's not a flaming liberal like Willington, so I may allow him to post here from time to time instead of on a separate blog. But those are just minor details, and we'll figure all of this out when the time comes.

It's been quite a run. Certainly, there have been a few stinkers along the way (I readily admit that "A Prescription for the McPheever" wasn't my finest hour), but they have been more than cancelled out by gems (see "The Founding Fathers' Take on the NSA" and "Sam's Army" for just two examples). Folks, I'm just getting started. In the months ahead, I'll continue to attack the west-coast, liberal elite, and to share my love for America. I hope you'll continue to join me. And please, spread the site to family and friends that you believe love America, too!

Dear readers, first and foremost, thank YOU for loving America! And secondly, thank YOU for loving "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks!"

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

If You're Going to Wave a Flag, Make Sure It's Old Glory

Dear Readers,

Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to tackle a difficult and emotionally-charged topic. You may recall, and certainly won't be surprised to learn if you didn't know before, that old Teddy here is from the south (a proud red state, of course). As you are likely aware, there are manly loyal patriots there who insist on flying the confederate flag in addition to Old Glory. I have been asked on numerous occasions, "Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., how is it possible for these people to be real Americans? Don't they understand history?"

First of all, most of these people are real salt of the earth Americans. They support the President, support the war from their couches, go to church, watch Fox News, complain about the liberal media, oppose immigration, and oppose gay marriage. Naturally, nothing could possibly be more American!

Now, the west coast, liberal elite historians want to point out that the south seceded from America in the Civil War. They like using fancy buzzwords like "treason" and "violated the Constitution" and "for God's sake, the south lost the war you morons!" They want to portray these people as being less than American. And I am moderately enraged.

You see, dear readers, my position on this may surprise you. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to tell these people today to stop flying the confederate flag. Now, before you sandal-flopping, revisionist-history-reading, liberal elites celebrate this, you have to understand my reasoning. It's not that these people don't love America. It's simply that waving or flying other flags limits the number of American flags that one can display. As you know, I have a simple stand: the more stars and stripes, the better!

People who insist on flying both flags, why do you love America slightly less than if you flew Old Glory alone?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Sam's Army, Revisited

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., cheered on our country's soccer team, as they displayed enormous courage in a 1-1 draw against the papists. They did this despite playing one man down most of the second half. It was a tremendous showing, and more than redeemed themselves for the stinker earlier in the week.

As I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., mentioned, they played most of the second half down one man, thanks to terrible, biased, liberal officiating. It turns out that the referee was from Uruguay. Shocking, huh?

Dear readers, this is another reason why we need to increase our border security along the U.S.-Mexico border. This referee provides another example of people desiring to do whatever they can to attack our way of life. He did it from another continent, but billions more want to cross our border and attack our way of life, standing around like a bunch of liberals with their hands out. And I am enraged.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite geographers want to tell me that Uruguay is in South America, not Mexico or even Central America. Folks, it's all the same. They're all trying to attack us and steal our resources. It's still just a short, easy walk for them to cross our borders.

Some people call the Minutemen "vigilantes." I call them "heroes." Thank you, Minutemen, for loving America!

Uruguayans scrambling to cross our border, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Join Me on MySpace!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have joined the masses on MySpace. Make sure to add me as a friend, as we work together to show our love for America! You can find me at: http://www.myspace.com/teddytrumbles

Those of you who add me, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Good Grub: Food for Real Americans, episode 6/17/06

Dear Readers,

As part of my effort to help my readers become real Americans, too, I will be reviewing food, music, movies, and books on a somewhat regular basis. I am often asked, "Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., what do you eat that gives you both energy for your patriotism and your great physique?" Grab a pencil and some paper, and jot down a few notes here.

Recently, the folks of KFC, a subsidiary of YUM! Brands, brought us the KFC Famous Bowls:

The Famous Bowls start with a layer of rice or mashed potatoes, topped with sweet corn, popcorn chicken, gravy, and cheese. Dear readers, what is more American than mashed 'taters, fried chicken, gravy, corn, and cheese?!? Granted, due to our strained relations with North Korea, real Americans would automatically choose the potatoes over rice, but that was probably obvious to most of you.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, want to decry this wonderful American product and say that it's not good for our health. They point to their liberal "statistics," and say things such as, "It has almost 700 calories," and, "It has 31 grams of fat, 9 of which are saturated fat, 2110 mg of sodium, and 27 grams of protein." Leave it to the liberal elites in the medical profession to betray their hatred of America by denouncing such a wonderfully American product.

Well, dear readers, take it from me, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.: buy this product. One needs energy for loving America and waving Old Glory, which burns those calories right up (liberal nutritionists, you do recognize that physical exertion burns calories, don't you?). On a normal day, I'll eat two of these bad boys. If I'm planning an intense show of my love for America, I'll down three. And you should, too. Not only will you get an unbelievable body like mine that drives the ladies wild, but you'll also have all of the energy you need to love America!

Those of you who say the KFC Famous Bowls are unhealthy, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

An Addition to the Trumblebunks Family (of blogs)

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumbleunks, I, Esq., am pleased to announce an addition to the Theodore Trumblebunks network of blogs. An old acquaintance of mine, Franklin Willington, has added a blog, and will occasionally contribute here, and I will do likewise on his blog. Please note that Franklin is a Godless, west-coast, liberal elite hippy, so we will rarely, if ever, see eye-to-eye. Just keep in mind that when we disagree, you should defer to my position.

Have a great evening, dear readers!

Franklin Willington, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Sam's Army

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be supporting America by cheering for the USA in the World Cup against those papists from Italy. True, the first game against those Godless commies from Eastern Europe didn't go very well, but we'll bounce back. I plan to dress up in my Flag Day outfit tomorrow, which should be clean once Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., does my laundry after she makes me dinner tonight, and I'll head to the local sports bar to cheer with other true patriots who are part of "Sam's Army."

I'll be the first to tell you that soccer isn't a real sport, as it's just a bunch of pansies prancing about on a field, flopping and faking injuries like a bunch of little girls. There are only 3 sports in the eyes of real Americans: high school football, wrestling, and Nascar. Nevertheless, when Americans are representing our country, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be cheering them on, and you should too.

Now, over the years, when watching the USA soccer team, I've taken quite a ribbing and faced numerous insults from the west-coast, liberal elite, for my cheering during these games. They've accused me of being homoerotic for uttering things while the USA is playing such as, "Look at those huge, sweaty, glistening thighs!," as well as, "I'd sure love to be in that free kick wall as the meat in the middle of a man sandwich!" You will, no doubt, see how ridiculous such accusations are; they're just another example of the liberal media trying to take me down. Well, let me address these people now. First of all, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am as big of a fan of procreative marital sex as the next real American guy. More importantly, if anything, I am Americerotic, and if loving America is wrong in the eyes of these Godless liberals, old Teddy doesn't want to be right!

Dear readers, join me tomorrow as part of "Sam's Army" to support our team! The game begins at 2:30 p.m., EST, but I don't follow eastern time since there are so many west-coast, liberal elites living on the east coast. Instead, I follow central time, which is where real Americans live (the heartland, folks!). So, at 1:30 p.m. RAT (Real American Time) tomorrow, join me in supporting our boys against those papists!

Those of you who refuse to cheer on our country, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 6/15/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to the first installment of "Thursdays with Theodore," brought to you by me, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. There are three submissions for the initial episode, and I will now provide my insight. The first submission reads as follows:

Sunflower Moonbeam said...

Your irresponsible free market policies are polluting the planet and causing global warming. My question is: Why do you hate the Mother Earth Goddess?

-Sunflower Moonbeam

First of all, leave it to a liberal to be too stupid to understand instructions. I specifically asked that questions be submitted via email. Despite this, our "friend" here, "Sunflower Moonbeam," decided to leave a comment rather than send an email. Leave it to liberals.

Secondly, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your real name is not "Sunflower Moonbeam," although I wouldn't be surprised if it was. Only a cowardly liberal would hide on the internet behind some pseudonym. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., do NOT condone this practice. I will assume, however, that this name is symbolic and that you're currently wearing birkenstocks, some hippy skirt, dirty hair in dreadlocks, and you don't shave your pits. Just like your average member of the west-coast, liberal elite.

To address your question, I invite you to view the recent Fox News documentary, "Global Warming: The Debate Continues." There, as well as with a little research of your own, you will find that there is more evidence, in terms of both quantity and influence, showing that global warming is simply a myth. In fact, the evidence suggests global cooling, and an increase in the numbers and size of glaciers.

Now, the alarmist west-coast, liberal elite, like Al Gore, want to persist with the global warming myth. The only possible explanation is the hatred liberals have for carbon dioxide. We need carbon dioxide to live, yet liberals would rather have all of us die than to have carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. You liberals and your fancy science, haven't you learned about photosynthesis? We need CO2. Liberals hate carbon dioxide, and, thereby, hate human existence. They'd rather hug a tree than hug a baby.

Naturally, despite this overall hatred and self-loathing of mankind, liberals also show their hatred of America by hating carbon dioxide. Sunflower Moonbeam, haven't you ever heard of Frederick Jackson Turner's concept of "manifest destiny?" America has a divinely-inspired mission to continue to expand, using all of the land and resources it needs in the process. Those who oppose this oppose America, and that is something I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will not stand for.

Sunflower Moonbeam and your ilk, why do you hate America?


The second submission reads as follows:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks,

How do you apportion the blame for the poor handling of the
post-Hurricane Katrina New Orleans? Do you blame, the local,
state, federal, or a little bit of all levels of government?  Thank you.

Jack X

Jack X, this one is right in my wheelhouse. The blame does not fall to any one level of government. The blame falls squarely on the west-coast, liberal elite in each level. FEMA is the only liberal part of the federal government, thus deserving blame. The state government is run by a bunch of west-coast, liberal elite Democrats, deserving even more blame. And New Orleans itself? Nothing but west-coast, liberal elites running around everywhere. Don't tell me Ray Nagin was a Republican until he switched parties just before his first campaign!

As you can clearly see, all levels of government deserve blame, but the blame is limited to the liberal elite in each level.

I'm going to assume, however, that you disagree. Jack X, why do you hate America?


The third submission reads:

I'm looking for a new Hybrid vehicle, what would you recommend?

-Franklin Willington

The only hybrid a real American will drive is an El Camino - part car, part truck. I know you're talking about some frou-frou new car, but no real American should drive those; they're reserved for the west-coast liberal elite.

Franklin Willington, why do you hate America?


Thank you for your submissions. Keep those emails rolling in for next week's episode!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Announcing "Thursdays with Theodore"

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., thoroughly enjoy sharing my views with you, and I am thankful for all of the input I have received since launching "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks." Whether considering my intelligence, striking good looks, or hard work in the free market, I have come to realize that I have been truly blessed.

That's why I'm proud to announce a new initiative entitled, "Thursdays with Theodore." Each Thursday, I will take a few moments out of my busy time to provide my insight to the questions you have. Whether you want to know about America, history, the law, economics, politics, education, current affairs, sports, music, romance, or other topics, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will lend my immense intellect to your questions.

To participate, simply email me your question at: teddytrumbles@yahoo.com. I will provide you with a response that you can craft the rest of your life around by Thursday evening. Don't thank me. Thank America!

Loyal Readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Dear Readers,

Today is the second of the holy trinity of American holidays! The period begins, of course, with Memorial Day, where we honor those who fought for our great country, and ends with the Fourth of July, which is the most comprehensive of all American celebrations. The middle holiday, though, holds a special place in my heart. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., love Flag Day!

The day began innocently enough, with me waking up, making breakfast, grabbing the Wall Street Journal, and turning on Fox News. After showering, I put on my flag shirt; my tighty red, blue, and whiteys; my red, white and blue denim shorts; and my star-spangled snakeskin boots. I topped it all off with my flag headgear that you may see in my profile picture. You won’t be surprised to learn that I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am also a talented musician, so I pulled out my old trombone, even though it looks a little worse for wear after all these years, and headed downtown.

I decided to go to the town square and play a little “Stars and Stripes Forever” on the steps of the court house, as I wanted to teach those liberal activist judges a thing or two about how to love America. The response of my fellow Americans was overwhelming. Our community servants appreciated my performance so much that two police officers came up, tapped me on the shoulder, and encouraged me to “move along,” no doubt to share my patriotism with more Americans. Numerous motorists slowed down and gestured with one finger, which can only be explained as a thumbs-up in approval of my love of America. An older gentleman came up to me with a tear in his eye and a smile on his face and exclaimed, “Your performance was the best rusty trombone I’ve had in years!”

Without a doubt, I made quite an impact. The grateful police officers even took my name and contact information, and I expect an award or certificate of some sort any day now. The day was a huge success. Knowing that I affected so many people with my love of America only strengthens my resolve to share my passion.

Those of you who failed to celebrate Flag Day, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Founding Fathers' Take on the NSA

Dear Readers,

I am often asked, "Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., what are your thoughts on the NSA's wiretapping and phone record data-mining programs?" First of all, let's get the terminology right: it's not "wiretapping" but "terrorist surveillance," and it's not "data-mining" but . . . well, the President told me it wasn't data-mining, so that's good enough for me. Beyond that, let's look at the success of these programs; most notably, we haven't been attacked in almost five years. Who can argue with those results? I can't. Whatever keeps us safe is good enough for me!

You would be surprised how often this, somehow, fails to placate the America-hating, baby-killing, fourth-amendment-hugging, west-coast, liberal elite. They proceed to ask, "But Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., what about the Constitutional implications? What about the loss of civil liberties that, once lost, we can never regain? What about the right to privacy? What about the fourth amendment?" The right to privacy is easily dispensed with, as any strict constructionist knows the word "privacy" is nowhere in the Constitution. As for the other complaints, I'll follow the paths tread so often by my heroes, Justices Nino Scalia and Clarence Thomas, and look at the intent of the Founders.

You won't be surprised to learn that I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have been a student of history throughout my life (American history, of course!). Two quotes of Founders stand out in my mind when pressed about the NSA. First, I believe it was Patrick Henry who boldly proclaimed, "Give me liberty, but if I haven't done anything wrong, then I have nothing to worry about. So whatever's good for the country is good with me, in my book." And, if memory serves, it was Nathan Hale who lamented, "I only regret that I haven't a phone to be monitored for my country's safety, since Bell won't invent the telephone for another century." There's your smoking gun folks. It was ok with the Founding Fathers, and it's certainly ok with me!

Those of you who dare even question the NSA, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Patriotism Displays: More = Better

Dear Readers,

Recently, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., returned home to visit my family. Thankfully, my home state is a red state (N.B.: by red state, I am referring to a Republican state, not some commie-pinko state, in case such clarification is needed). My hometown, in the past year or two, has created a beautiful sight along the median of the main highway, with American flags lined up as far as the eye can see, two wide, spaced approximately two feet apart. It brings a tear to my eye each time I see this display.

Despite the obvious merits of this show of patriotism, however, some object that they have overdone this. Some of these west-coast, liberal elite claim that more flags does not equal more patriotism, and that one flag expresses the same sentiment as one-thousand. Even though such an idiotic belief merits no response, I would like to address it.

Naturally, of course, more stars and stripes equals more patriotism. A more subtle explanation can be provided by looking at market forces. The more flags that are purchased, the more we support the economy. The more that we support the economy, the more we help all sectors of American life and the war effort. If I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: the free market will solve ALL of our problems!

Those of you who support the use of fewer flags to express patriotism, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Alberto?

Dear Readers,

This morning, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., woke up and turned on the television, which was still set on the Weather Channel after checking the radar last night before going to bed. The first thing reported was that the first tropical depression of the year had become Tropical Storm Alberto. Not believing what I heard, I turned to Fox News just to make sure. Since Fox News reported the same, I knew it must be true. And I was enraged.

At a time when we're fighting an unprecedented war on immigration, the National Weather Service and World Meteorological Association named a storm "Alberto"? Not just any storm, mind you, but the first one of the year! Obviously, this betrayed both organizations' west-coast, liberal elite agenda in support of open borders, in an attempt to undermine what has made this country great. Don't tell me this is a country of immigrants; we're now Americans and have the right - nay - the obligation, to protect ourselves. My rage grew.

Then, however, another thought occurred to me, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. By giving the storm this name, and recalling what a threat these storms pose, the National Weather Service and World Meteorological Association have actually shown what a tremendous threat unchecked immigration poses. Such organizations, which support levees and other such obstacles to protect us from storms, have also now shown their support for a fence along the entire U.S.-Mexican border! My rage subsided.

National Weather Service and World Meteorological Association, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Chopsticks

Dear Readers,

Tonight, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., went to a local sushi restaurant. Everything was going well until it came time to eat the sushi. I reached for my fork, and what did I find? You guessed it, chopsticks. I was enraged.

Now, you may be asking, "Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., why would chopsticks cause such a reaction?" The answer is simple: sushi bar owners hate America.

Just this week (as I've learned after emerging from my bunker), our divinely-inspired leader, President Bush, told immigrants that they must assimilate into American culture. Americans don't use chopsticks; instead, due to our superior intelligence, we've developed and used forks, spoons, and knives. Look, all of you west-coast, liberal elite sushi bar owners from Japan need to assimilate and provide real Americans with forks.

Sushi bar owners, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Out of the bunker!

Greetings, Dear Readers!

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., emerged from the bunker today. It's challenging to keep time down there, so I'm a little late in seeing that we survived 6-6-06. Apparently, God doesn't follow the Gregorian calendar. Who knew?

After returning to my abode, I was greeted with recent news of a personal hero, Ann Coulter. Whoa, could she be more right?!? Who do these 9/11 widows think they are? What right do they have to talk about 9/11? Losing a loved one in the event does not qualify one to speak as intelligently as someone who talks on TV or writes books (don't worry Ann, despite the evidence of your plagiarism, I realize that's just the west-coast, liberal elites trying to take you down). Now, if they agreed with Ann, that would be one thing, and we should listen to them. But since they hate America and have shown it by talking negatively about our divinely-inspired President, someone needs to put them in their place. Who better than Ann?

Now, Ann Coulter loves America more than anyone except Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. I show my love on the blog by showing that the place I live is the United States. I don't even think about states . . . well, except for the fact that I oppose big government and champion state rights . . .

9/11 widows, why do you hate America?

Ann Coulter, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

6/6/06

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., apologize for the long hiatus in my posting. I have been stockpiling provisions for my bunker, which was previously used in case of a terrorist attack in the corn fields of the midwest (don't tell me the midwest is safe). But since today's date is the mark of the beast, I'm converting the bunker into apocalypse protection. The only communication with the outside world that I'll have there is Fox News and the 700 Club, since both are divinely inspired.

Now, some of you west-coast, liberal elites may point out that the "666" resulted from an incorrect translation of the Bible, or that the "beast" is actually Nero. But if that was true, wouldn't the Bible say that? Of course it would.

Anyway, I'm off to the bunker. I hope to post again soon.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Nascar, Part II

Dear Readers,

While I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am thinking about Nascar, what about that logo? Rainbow colors? Plus one of their drivers is the "Rainbow Warrior?" C'mon! I'm tired of the west-coast, liberal elite, powers-that-be in charge of Nascar pushing their homo-razzi agenda down our throats. The Bible condemns such actions, and that's good enough for me.

Once again, I can only ask, Nascar, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Nascar

Dear Readers,

What's with all of the advertisements for commercial products on these cars? Don't get me wrong, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am a huge fan of the free market, as the market solves everything. But why aren't there Bible passages and Biblical figures prominently displayed on these cars? Why are these cars nothing but billboards for the secular world?

I'll tell you why: because Nascar is run by, and aimed at, the west-coast, market-regulation-loving, liberal elite. It's true. Just watch a race and listen to these guys, and then look at the fans there. Nothing but the liberal elite with their secular message.

Nascar hates God. Nascar, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.