Sam's Army
Dear Readers,
Tomorrow, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be supporting America by cheering for the USA in the World Cup against those papists from Italy. True, the first game against those Godless commies from Eastern Europe didn't go very well, but we'll bounce back. I plan to dress up in my Flag Day outfit tomorrow, which should be clean once Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., does my laundry after she makes me dinner tonight, and I'll head to the local sports bar to cheer with other true patriots who are part of "Sam's Army."
I'll be the first to tell you that soccer isn't a real sport, as it's just a bunch of pansies prancing about on a field, flopping and faking injuries like a bunch of little girls. There are only 3 sports in the eyes of real Americans: high school football, wrestling, and Nascar. Nevertheless, when Americans are representing our country, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be cheering them on, and you should too.
Now, over the years, when watching the USA soccer team, I've taken quite a ribbing and faced numerous insults from the west-coast, liberal elite, for my cheering during these games. They've accused me of being homoerotic for uttering things while the USA is playing such as, "Look at those huge, sweaty, glistening thighs!," as well as, "I'd sure love to be in that free kick wall as the meat in the middle of a man sandwich!" You will, no doubt, see how ridiculous such accusations are; they're just another example of the liberal media trying to take me down. Well, let me address these people now. First of all, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am as big of a fan of procreative marital sex as the next real American guy. More importantly, if anything, I am Americerotic, and if loving America is wrong in the eyes of these Godless liberals, old Teddy doesn't want to be right!
Dear readers, join me tomorrow as part of "Sam's Army" to support our team! The game begins at 2:30 p.m., EST, but I don't follow eastern time since there are so many west-coast, liberal elites living on the east coast. Instead, I follow central time, which is where real Americans live (the heartland, folks!). So, at 1:30 p.m. RAT (Real American Time) tomorrow, join me in supporting our boys against those papists!
Those of you who refuse to cheer on our country, why do you hate America?
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
Tomorrow, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be supporting America by cheering for the USA in the World Cup against those papists from Italy. True, the first game against those Godless commies from Eastern Europe didn't go very well, but we'll bounce back. I plan to dress up in my Flag Day outfit tomorrow, which should be clean once Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., does my laundry after she makes me dinner tonight, and I'll head to the local sports bar to cheer with other true patriots who are part of "Sam's Army."
I'll be the first to tell you that soccer isn't a real sport, as it's just a bunch of pansies prancing about on a field, flopping and faking injuries like a bunch of little girls. There are only 3 sports in the eyes of real Americans: high school football, wrestling, and Nascar. Nevertheless, when Americans are representing our country, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be cheering them on, and you should too.
Now, over the years, when watching the USA soccer team, I've taken quite a ribbing and faced numerous insults from the west-coast, liberal elite, for my cheering during these games. They've accused me of being homoerotic for uttering things while the USA is playing such as, "Look at those huge, sweaty, glistening thighs!," as well as, "I'd sure love to be in that free kick wall as the meat in the middle of a man sandwich!" You will, no doubt, see how ridiculous such accusations are; they're just another example of the liberal media trying to take me down. Well, let me address these people now. First of all, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am as big of a fan of procreative marital sex as the next real American guy. More importantly, if anything, I am Americerotic, and if loving America is wrong in the eyes of these Godless liberals, old Teddy doesn't want to be right!
Dear readers, join me tomorrow as part of "Sam's Army" to support our team! The game begins at 2:30 p.m., EST, but I don't follow eastern time since there are so many west-coast, liberal elites living on the east coast. Instead, I follow central time, which is where real Americans live (the heartland, folks!). So, at 1:30 p.m. RAT (Real American Time) tomorrow, join me in supporting our boys against those papists!
Those of you who refuse to cheer on our country, why do you hate America?
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
posted by Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. at 5:51 PM
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