Thursdays with Theodore, episode 6/15/06
Dear Readers,
Welcome to the first installment of "Thursdays with Theodore," brought to you by me, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. There are three submissions for the initial episode, and I will now provide my insight. The first submission reads as follows:
Sunflower Moonbeam said...
To address your question, I invite you to view the recent Fox News documentary, "Global Warming: The Debate Continues." There, as well as with a little research of your own, you will find that there is more evidence, in terms of both quantity and influence, showing that global warming is simply a myth. In fact, the evidence suggests global cooling, and an increase in the numbers and size of glaciers.
Now, the alarmist west-coast, liberal elite, like Al Gore, want to persist with the global warming myth. The only possible explanation is the hatred liberals have for carbon dioxide. We need carbon dioxide to live, yet liberals would rather have all of us die than to have carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. You liberals and your fancy science, haven't you learned about photosynthesis? We need CO2. Liberals hate carbon dioxide, and, thereby, hate human existence. They'd rather hug a tree than hug a baby.
Naturally, despite this overall hatred and self-loathing of mankind, liberals also show their hatred of America by hating carbon dioxide. Sunflower Moonbeam, haven't you ever heard of Frederick Jackson Turner's concept of "manifest destiny?" America has a divinely-inspired mission to continue to expand, using all of the land and resources it needs in the process. Those who oppose this oppose America, and that is something I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will not stand for.
Sunflower Moonbeam and your ilk, why do you hate America?
The second submission reads as follows:
As you can clearly see, all levels of government deserve blame, but the blame is limited to the liberal elite in each level.
I'm going to assume, however, that you disagree. Jack X, why do you hate America?
The third submission reads:
Franklin Willington, why do you hate America?
Thank you for your submissions. Keep those emails rolling in for next week's episode!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
Welcome to the first installment of "Thursdays with Theodore," brought to you by me, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. There are three submissions for the initial episode, and I will now provide my insight. The first submission reads as follows:
Sunflower Moonbeam said...
Your irresponsible free market policies are polluting the planet and causing global warming. My question is: Why do you hate the Mother Earth Goddess?
-Sunflower Moonbeam
First of all, leave it to a liberal to be too stupid to understand instructions. I specifically asked that questions be submitted via email. Despite this, our "friend" here, "Sunflower Moonbeam," decided to leave a comment rather than send an email. Leave it to liberals.
Secondly, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your real name is not "Sunflower Moonbeam," although I wouldn't be surprised if it was. Only a cowardly liberal would hide on the internet behind some pseudonym. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., do NOT condone this practice. I will assume, however, that this name is symbolic and that you're currently wearing birkenstocks, some hippy skirt, dirty hair in dreadlocks, and you don't shave your pits. Just like your average member of the west-coast, liberal elite.To address your question, I invite you to view the recent Fox News documentary, "Global Warming: The Debate Continues." There, as well as with a little research of your own, you will find that there is more evidence, in terms of both quantity and influence, showing that global warming is simply a myth. In fact, the evidence suggests global cooling, and an increase in the numbers and size of glaciers.
Now, the alarmist west-coast, liberal elite, like Al Gore, want to persist with the global warming myth. The only possible explanation is the hatred liberals have for carbon dioxide. We need carbon dioxide to live, yet liberals would rather have all of us die than to have carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. You liberals and your fancy science, haven't you learned about photosynthesis? We need CO2. Liberals hate carbon dioxide, and, thereby, hate human existence. They'd rather hug a tree than hug a baby.
Naturally, despite this overall hatred and self-loathing of mankind, liberals also show their hatred of America by hating carbon dioxide. Sunflower Moonbeam, haven't you ever heard of Frederick Jackson Turner's concept of "manifest destiny?" America has a divinely-inspired mission to continue to expand, using all of the land and resources it needs in the process. Those who oppose this oppose America, and that is something I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will not stand for.
Sunflower Moonbeam and your ilk, why do you hate America?
The second submission reads as follows:
Dear Theodore Trumblebunks,How do you apportion the blame for the poor handling of the
post-Hurricane Katrina New Orleans? Do you blame, the local,
state, federal, or a little bit of all levels of government? Thank you.Jack XJack X, this one is right in my wheelhouse. The blame does not fall to any one level of government. The blame falls squarely on the west-coast, liberal elite in each level. FEMA is the only liberal part of the federal government, thus deserving blame. The state government is run by a bunch of west-coast, liberal elite Democrats, deserving even more blame. And New Orleans itself? Nothing but west-coast, liberal elites running around everywhere. Don't tell me Ray Nagin was a Republican until he switched parties just before his first campaign!As you can clearly see, all levels of government deserve blame, but the blame is limited to the liberal elite in each level.
I'm going to assume, however, that you disagree. Jack X, why do you hate America?
The third submission reads:
I'm looking for a new Hybrid vehicle, what would you recommend?
-Franklin Willington
Franklin Willington, why do you hate America?
Thank you for your submissions. Keep those emails rolling in for next week's episode!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
posted by Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. at 4:49 PM
2 Comments:
Mr. Trumblebunks,
I am appalled that you would suggest that real ENGLISH-speaking Americans should drive El Caminos. Are you against our national language?
Mr. Petersen,
You're another pathetic example of the liberal media trying to take me down. Like the rest of the west-coast, liberal elite, you only used part of the facts to try to attack me. The El Camino, Mr. Petersen, while not an English word, was produced by General Motors. There are few companies that participate in the free market that are more American than General Motors. One of my trucks, in fact, is a beautiful General Motors product.
Mr. Petersen, why do you hate the free market? Mr. Petersen, why do you hate America?
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
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