Chopsticks

Dear Readers,

Tonight, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., went to a local sushi restaurant. Everything was going well until it came time to eat the sushi. I reached for my fork, and what did I find? You guessed it, chopsticks. I was enraged.

Now, you may be asking, "Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., why would chopsticks cause such a reaction?" The answer is simple: sushi bar owners hate America.

Just this week (as I've learned after emerging from my bunker), our divinely-inspired leader, President Bush, told immigrants that they must assimilate into American culture. Americans don't use chopsticks; instead, due to our superior intelligence, we've developed and used forks, spoons, and knives. Look, all of you west-coast, liberal elite sushi bar owners from Japan need to assimilate and provide real Americans with forks.

Sushi bar owners, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.