Kill Two Birds with One Brilliant Stone
Dear Readers,
At this crucial time in our nation's history, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., along with all of you, realize that there are two threats to our way of life and security greater than any others out there: gay marriage and Uruguayans streaming over our Mexican border. Far be it from me to question our divinely-inspired President, but these problems have yet to be addressed properly. Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to offer you, my dear and loyal readers, a comprehensive solution.
Folks, what we need to do is this: have all of the gay people in our country build a giant wall along the U.S.-Mexican border. Think about it. Teaching these west-coast, liberal elites the value of hard work will convert them to straightdom instantly, while also protecting our safety and way of life. What better way to turn men into straight conservatives than to have them hammering away in the sun in wife beaters, cut-offs, and black boots? Meanwhile, lesbians can be employed to cook and clean for them in the barracks, and all of our problems we'll be solved, as they'll all be converted and instilled with good American values!
Now, the west-coast, liberal elite geographers want to tell me again that Uruguay isn't close to the Mexican border. Furthermore, the west-coast, liberal elite, tree-hugging psychologists and sociologists want to tell me that homosexuals can't be "converted." I'm not buying it. Evangelical churches convert them to straightness all of the time. And what better way to convert them than to teach them male values and the value of hard work, sweating together in the sun all day, and then sleeping in the same barracks at night? You're right: there is no better way!
This is a plan that I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., believe that my heroes Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell would love, and I hope that our divinely-inspired President will feel the same way. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite theologians want to say that homosexuality isn't explicitly condemned in the Bible and that the whole Sodom and Gomorrah story has been misconstrued. But rational people like Pat and Jerry know better, as do I. The 5th Commandment says, "Honor they father and thy mother," which implies that sex is for procreation only and that all families should have a father and a mother. After all, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Dear readers, I intend to introduce my idea through my favorite Congressman, Rick Santorum, as part of a piece of legislation. It will be called: Reinforcing And Indemnifying National Borders, Orientation-changing Waywards, or R.A.I.N.B.O.W. for short.
Homosexual Uruguayans, why do you hate America?
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
At this crucial time in our nation's history, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., along with all of you, realize that there are two threats to our way of life and security greater than any others out there: gay marriage and Uruguayans streaming over our Mexican border. Far be it from me to question our divinely-inspired President, but these problems have yet to be addressed properly. Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to offer you, my dear and loyal readers, a comprehensive solution.
Folks, what we need to do is this: have all of the gay people in our country build a giant wall along the U.S.-Mexican border. Think about it. Teaching these west-coast, liberal elites the value of hard work will convert them to straightdom instantly, while also protecting our safety and way of life. What better way to turn men into straight conservatives than to have them hammering away in the sun in wife beaters, cut-offs, and black boots? Meanwhile, lesbians can be employed to cook and clean for them in the barracks, and all of our problems we'll be solved, as they'll all be converted and instilled with good American values!
Now, the west-coast, liberal elite geographers want to tell me again that Uruguay isn't close to the Mexican border. Furthermore, the west-coast, liberal elite, tree-hugging psychologists and sociologists want to tell me that homosexuals can't be "converted." I'm not buying it. Evangelical churches convert them to straightness all of the time. And what better way to convert them than to teach them male values and the value of hard work, sweating together in the sun all day, and then sleeping in the same barracks at night? You're right: there is no better way!
This is a plan that I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., believe that my heroes Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell would love, and I hope that our divinely-inspired President will feel the same way. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite theologians want to say that homosexuality isn't explicitly condemned in the Bible and that the whole Sodom and Gomorrah story has been misconstrued. But rational people like Pat and Jerry know better, as do I. The 5th Commandment says, "Honor they father and thy mother," which implies that sex is for procreation only and that all families should have a father and a mother. After all, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Dear readers, I intend to introduce my idea through my favorite Congressman, Rick Santorum, as part of a piece of legislation. It will be called: Reinforcing And Indemnifying National Borders, Orientation-changing Waywards, or R.A.I.N.B.O.W. for short.
Homosexual Uruguayans, why do you hate America?
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
posted by Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. at 10:35 AM
2 Comments:
Will you be down there training them with your rusty trombone?
Stop bringing your homosexual undertones to my blog, Willington.
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