If You're Going to Wave a Flag, Make Sure It's Old Glory
Dear Readers,
Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to tackle a difficult and emotionally-charged topic. You may recall, and certainly won't be surprised to learn if you didn't know before, that old Teddy here is from the south (a proud red state, of course). As you are likely aware, there are manly loyal patriots there who insist on flying the confederate flag in addition to Old Glory. I have been asked on numerous occasions, "Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., how is it possible for these people to be real Americans? Don't they understand history?"
First of all, most of these people are real salt of the earth Americans. They support the President, support the war from their couches, go to church, watch Fox News, complain about the liberal media, oppose immigration, and oppose gay marriage. Naturally, nothing could possibly be more American!
Now, the west coast, liberal elite historians want to point out that the south seceded from America in the Civil War. They like using fancy buzzwords like "treason" and "violated the Constitution" and "for God's sake, the south lost the war you morons!" They want to portray these people as being less than American. And I am moderately enraged.
You see, dear readers, my position on this may surprise you. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to tell these people today to stop flying the confederate flag. Now, before you sandal-flopping, revisionist-history-reading, liberal elites celebrate this, you have to understand my reasoning. It's not that these people don't love America. It's simply that waving or flying other flags limits the number of American flags that one can display. As you know, I have a simple stand: the more stars and stripes, the better!
People who insist on flying both flags, why do you love America slightly less than if you flew Old Glory alone?
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to tackle a difficult and emotionally-charged topic. You may recall, and certainly won't be surprised to learn if you didn't know before, that old Teddy here is from the south (a proud red state, of course). As you are likely aware, there are manly loyal patriots there who insist on flying the confederate flag in addition to Old Glory. I have been asked on numerous occasions, "Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., how is it possible for these people to be real Americans? Don't they understand history?"
First of all, most of these people are real salt of the earth Americans. They support the President, support the war from their couches, go to church, watch Fox News, complain about the liberal media, oppose immigration, and oppose gay marriage. Naturally, nothing could possibly be more American!
Now, the west coast, liberal elite historians want to point out that the south seceded from America in the Civil War. They like using fancy buzzwords like "treason" and "violated the Constitution" and "for God's sake, the south lost the war you morons!" They want to portray these people as being less than American. And I am moderately enraged.
You see, dear readers, my position on this may surprise you. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to tell these people today to stop flying the confederate flag. Now, before you sandal-flopping, revisionist-history-reading, liberal elites celebrate this, you have to understand my reasoning. It's not that these people don't love America. It's simply that waving or flying other flags limits the number of American flags that one can display. As you know, I have a simple stand: the more stars and stripes, the better!
People who insist on flying both flags, why do you love America slightly less than if you flew Old Glory alone?
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
posted by Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. at 12:28 PM
5 Comments:
How dare you attempt to encroach on these people's right to free speech?!?!?!
Franklin, sometimes if you want to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs. And I'm not talking about some pussy liberal egg-white omelet.
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
"You see, dear readers, my position on this may surprise you. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to tell these people today to stop flying the confederate flag."
---It's the heritage, stupid!
I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., do not wish to address the heritage argument on either side. My position is simple: using the stars and bars reduces the number of stars and stripes you can show, and I will not stand for this!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
but the number of stars on the stars and bars equals the number of original 13 colonies. Also, it's easier to draw on paper!
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