Thursdays with Theodore, episode 8/31/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Unlike Willington, I actually answer the questions you send into me. So, without further adieu...

Jack X writes:
What needs to be done, if anything, in order to expedite the recovery of Hurricane Katrina? Sincerely, Jack X


Jack X, great question. The biggest problem is a combination of corrupt, west-coast, liberal elites, and lazy, west-coast, liberal elites, standing around with their hands out. These people need to learn the value of the free market. They need to pick themselves up by the bootstraps. The market will solve all of their problems, just as soon as they stop spouting their Communist claptrap.

Beyond that, the residents of New Orleans need to start respecting our divinely-inspired President. He's delivered! So, it's time for them to use all of the money they've been given and get to rebuilding.

Coordination needs to be done by some good salt-of-the-earth conservatives. The liberals in charge of that state have screwed up EVERYTHING. Put some real Americans in charge, and things get done. Perhaps it's time to give Halliburton a no-bid contract? That's how things get moving!

I hope that answers your question, Jack X. Be well.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Don't Forget to Get Your Questions in, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to get your questions in for this week's "Thursdays with Theodore!"

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Take That, Fascist Appeasers!

Dear Readers,

My boy Rummy is at it again, taking the fight right to the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first surrenderists. Yesterday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld compared those who question this administration to the appeasement policy initially carried out by many in WWII. He proceeded to claim that these people are now trying to appease the Fascists who hate us for our freedom. As usual, he couldn't be more right.

As is to be expected, the west-coast, liberal elite, first-amendment-huggers like to point out that only the most radical conservatives could not see such a statement as clear advocacy against free speech. Additionally, the west-coast, liberal elite historians like to point out that simple criticism of the administration is in no way analogous to the actual multi-nation appeasement process of WWII. They also like to point out that, given the trauma Europe suffered in WWI, appeasement initially made some sense, and only when we look through a teleological lens can anyone say it was a completely idiotic idea. Well, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am not buying it.

You see, dear readers, Rummy is fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. He knows where the WMD's are - they're north, south, east, and west of Baghdad. More importantly, we're at war; have these critics forgotten 9/11? The only way to truly be free is to not question the Bush administration. Join me instead in waving flags in support!

Iraq war critics - you 60+% of residents of America (I won't risk justifying your treason by calling you "Americans") - why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Remembering Katrina

Dear Readers,

Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., offer my thoughts and prayers to those who suffered and have suffered from Hurricane Katrina. I honored the victims by lowering my flags to half-staff. Hopefully, progress will continue and even speed up, and life can return to normal for all those affected.

Earlier today, our divinely-inspired President showed, yet again, his tremendous leadership in response to this natural disaster. He told NBC's Brian Williams that the federal government promised help and "we delivered." Now that's leadership, folks! This man took us back from 9/11 and 8/29 - and somehow people wonder why he will go down as the greatest President of all-time?!?

Yet the west-coast, liberal elite want to question his leadership. They note the recent revelation that he needed his staff to burn a DVD of Katrina coverage in order to be caught up on the situation; they fail to note, though, that the man was on vacation (scrub brush doesn't clear itself!) Further, they like to point out that most of the money promised hasn't been delivered, yet they fail to note that if it was delivered, it would just be stolen by corrupt, greedy liberals who were holding out their hands.

Dear readers, this President supports the Gulf Coast. And it's about time that they support him, too.

Bush critics, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Back in Action, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am glad to be back online. I offer you my most sincere apologies, dear readers, for having to suffer through a weekend without my insight. I'm back now, though, and ready to guide you once again.

You see, dear readers, my internet service was somehow "out" this weekend. No doubt, this is the work of the west-coast, liberal elite technology geeks, trying to silence old Teddy. More likely than not, Willington put them up to it, but that's neither here nor there.

This is also good evidence for why we need the net neutrality act to pass. The tube that my internet gallops through was blocked up by Willington's crew. Luckily, we gave my tube a technological freedom enema, and we're ready to roll. Bring it on.

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have a Constitutional right to express my opinions, and no matter what, you can bet I will. I'll find a way. I'm back and I'm focused. And the west-coast, liberal elite, 1st Amendment haters better be ready.

Internet service providers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Way to Go, Ray Nagin - Once Again

Dear Readers,

Well, the Chocolate Mayor (get it, he called N.O. the "chocolate city," obviously the most insidious and terrible use of words in the history of the universe, so that's a clever play on words by me!) is at it again. When questioned about the rate of speed of the New Orleans recovery, Ray Nagin had the gall to ask why New York, five years later, hasn't fixed the hole in the ground left by 9/11. How can anyone do this? Of course, coming from Nagin, we shouldn't be surprised.

Sure, New Orleans has much more to clean out and rebuild than New York City did. Certainly, it's a process that takes time. But he's had a year! What is he waiting on? Why is it not completely cleaned out and rebuilt yet? New York has an excuse - 9/11, a day on which everything changed.

More importantly, how dare he question the recovery of 9/11? Has he forgotten 9/11? Clearly, he'd rather we have to fight them here than fight them there. True, you might point out he's a former Republican and is still pretty conservative, especially by New Orleans Democratic standards, but he's clearly just another member of the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first, forget-all-about-the-lessons-of-9-11 crowd. For shame, Mr. Nagin.

Ray, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 8/24/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another exciting week of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To better serve you, I'll get straight to the questions:

Willington asks:

Hey Teddy,

Will members of Teddy's Troopers get a free rusty trombone?

-Franklin Willington

Willington, stop trying to take my musical endeavors and taint them with your homosexual agenda. If I could introduce everyone to the joy my rusty trombone experience has brought me, I would, but unfortunately the free market has not rewarded me yet with enough money to do that. Perhaps one day.

Pierre asks:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., The United States has served all of mankind by spreading democracy to the Middle East. When will the U.S. help those of us stuck in surrenderist, socialist France?
Pierre, that's a great question. Just as soon as the Iraqis stand up so that we can stand down, which I think will happen any day now, we'll head for Paris. Keep the faith. In the meantime, make sure you boycott French businesses.


Dear readers, thank you for the questions, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to get your questions in for "Thursdays with Theodore!" (teddytrumbles@yahoo.com)

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Announcing the Launch of "Teddy's Troopers!"

Dear Readers,

In my never-ending effort to give back to you, my dear readers, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have come up with a fan club that, rather than honoring me, honors you! This group will be called "Teddy's Troopers." Membership is free, and simply requires you to continue loving America. Knowing you, dear readers, that won't be a problem.

Soon, I will have bumper stickers to send to my troopers (at no cost to you, dear readers) and may branch out into other merchandise soon (which will be at some cost - we have to support the free market, after all!). For now, keep loving America, and keep spreading "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks" to everyone you know!

To enroll as a Teddy Trooper, simply email me at teddytrumbles@yahoo.com, with a loyalty oath swearing that you will support America and our divinely-inspired President. Once I have your oath, I will contact you to find out where to send your complimentary bumper sticker.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Taking Back the Bible; Saving America!

Dear Readers,

Recently, a female Sunday School teacher at a Baptist church in Watertown, New York, was fired. She had worked in this capacity for 54 years. The reason this became news is that she was axed because the church adopted a literal interpretation of the Bible, and took to heart the first epistle to Timothy, which says that women cannot teach men. And I applaud this church.

Without a doubt, the experience factor plays no part in this. If she had proven herself at some point in those 54 years, she wouldn't have had this problem. But by being incapable of properly teaching men, she was begging to be fired. With a Biblical mandate, the church's hands were tied.

More impressively, the church's pastor is also a member of the city council in Watertown! On a small scale, this town is showing what we need more of nationally - Christian values in our government leaders. That's why Republicans consistently defeat the west-coast, liberal elite DIMocrats.

Dear readers, we see here a revolution, where churches are finally starting to pay attention to the Bible, and the message is spilling over into politics. Spread the word - and the Word - dear readers.

Reverend Timothy LaBouf, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Steadfast and Resolute, Always Focused on the Present - That's My Boy!

Dear Readers,

Today, at a news conference, our divinely-inspired President was peppered with personal attacks from the liberal media. These west-coast, liberal elite America haters naturally questioned the President on the Iraq War and his tremendous work in keeping us safe and free and in spreading democracy. Never one to back down, W bravely and nobly took these questions and once again showed why we've got the right man in the White House. And I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., couldn't be more proud.

During the press conference, W was questioned about the link between Iraq and 9/11. Specifically, he was asked why his administration repeatedly associates the two. In a brilliant rhetorical move, W denied that his administration had ever linked them - despite the fact that evidence exists to the contrary. Naturally, the west-coast, liberal elite fact mongerers will use this to suggest that W lied. Real Americans know better.

You see, dear readers, W lives in the present, not the past or the future. W focuses on the here and now, and that "now" is all about keeping us safe. What may or may not have been said in the past is not important. Today's reality is that the administration does not matter. How can anyone question this man's intelligence.

W has once again proven himself to be the perfect leader in this time of crisis. Had we elected someone else, we would certainly have been attacked again, as Dick Cheney has reminded us on numerous occasions. We have to stay the course, and put our faith in W. Not a problem for us real Americans!

President George W. Bush, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Celebrate Good Times, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

Happy anniversary! For 3 months now, we've shared our love for America. From fighting the homosexual Mexicans from Uruguay who threaten our borders, to reviewing pro-American movies, to celebrating the NSA's terrorist surveillance program, we've all waved our flags proudly in support of the U.S. of A. And guess what, dear readers? The future only looks brighter!

Yesterday's movie review of "Broken Bridges" has generated quite a buzz, with emails filling up my inbox. Jim from Des Moines writes:

Thank you, Mr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., for offering such a pro-American storyline. If, somehow, it turns out that this is not what the movie is about, would you be willing to write a series of movies and/or books to share your love for America?

Jim, you are too kind. But certainly, I'm always happy to share my love for America. If there are any film studios are publishers reading this, or if anyone has any contacts at these places, please recommend my work. Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., is reporting for duty, fellow Americans!

Dear readers, as we celebrate 3 months together, I ask you to do 3 things for me so that we can spread our passion for the stars and stripes together. First, as always, send a link to "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks" to all of your friends and family, especially yesterday's movie review. Second, as old Teddy learned at the School of Hard Knocks instead of some frou-frou computing institute, if anyone can make a background for my blog, I'd greatly appreciate it; I'd like for it to have numerous flags, bald eagles, and our divinely-inspired President astride a white horse. Finally, dear readers, give yourself a pat on the back for loving America so much!

Here's to the next 3 months, and the 3 after that, and so on, until we rid the world of the west-coast, liberal elite menace!

Dear readers, thank YOU for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Freedom Flicks: Hollywood Movies Actually Supporting America, episode 8/19/06

Dear Readers,

In less than three weeks, a truly American movie will be coming to a theater near you. On September 8th, "Broken Bridges" will feature the acting debut of one of my heroes, Toby Keith. Dear readers, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have no idea what this movie is actually about, but knowing what a true patriot Toby is, I'm going to offer you a synopsis of this movie.

The movie opens with Toby shedding a tear after narrowly escaping from the World Trade Center on 9/11, carrying 3 women and 5 children. After carrying the women and children to safety, and seeing the love shared between the mothers and their kids, a new resolve can be seen in Toby's eyes, as he clenches his fists. A close up on his pupils displays a flag waving majestically and an eagle soaring amidst the destruction.

Toby returns home to his native Oklahoma to help his country in the most direct way he can, by creating patriotic music. He enters the studio and records the classic, "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," where he warns Osama that he has a boot with his ass's name on it. Emboldened by our divinely-inspired President's promise that Osama will be caught "dead or alive," Toby formulates a plan to ensure that Osama doesn't get away with this and to guarantee freedom and the sanctity of life.

Toby's classic song plays in the background as he rushes to his garage to gather his shoulder-mounted, rocket-propelled boot launcher, which he hides in his guitar case. Traversing the country in his F-250 (he's "a Ford truck man," after all), Toby uses his weapon to fire explosive boots in all of the abortion clinics within the continental U.S., as he feels compelled to protect all unborn human beings due to his recently increased passion for the sanctity of life. Toby finishes his mission in New York, near Ground Zero, where he develops a more important plan.

The screen fades to black, and comes back up with Toby riding a giant bald eagle (think "Lord of the Rings") named "Liberty" and crossing the Atlantic. Liberty is outfitted with explosive boot missiles, and Toby decides to drop a few on France on his way to the Middle East. Once in Afghanistan, Toby and Liberty zero in on Osama's cave, and he fires a laser-guided boot that finds its way to Osama's ass. We see Osama and his fellow terrorists blown to bits, and they begin their descent to hell where, instead of being rewarded with 72 virgins, they're joined by 72 whiny, America-hating liberals; naturally, they get along great, as their message is the same, but they're still in hell (since they hate God, though, they shouldn't be surprised).

Toby returns to America, where he and Liberty are offered the Congressional Medal of Freedom. Toby thanks the President for this gesture, but requests that the metal be melted down and used to protect the boys fighting in the shit over in Iraq. To further benefit the troops, Toby performs at the Freedom Concert, which he organizes in cooperation with Sean Hannity, and the movie ends with our hero singing "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" in front of a giant screen that is filled with a waving flag. The screen fades, not to black, but to red, white, and blue.


Dear readers, make sure you order your tickets for "Broken Bridges" today!*

Toby Keith, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.


*N.B.: actual plot may differ significantly from this synopsis.

Consider Me Shocked - The NSA Terrorist Surveillance Program Was Deemed "Unconstitutional"

Dear Readers,

As you may be aware, yesterday, another liberal activist judge (Judge Anna Diggs Taylor) did her best to destroy our country. This time, it was in declaring our divinely-inspired leader's domestic terrorist surveillance program under the NSA to be illegal. A program crucial to our security, and now it's supposedly against the law. As our President noted today, this comes just a week after another terrible terrorist threat. Has this judge forgotten 9/11? More importantly, if they're not doing anything wrong, then what do they have to worry about?

Dear readers, this is just another attempt by the west-coast, liberal elite to both destroy our President and our country. They can't beat him at the polls, so they seek to destroy him by hugging the "Constitution" (i.e., their liberal, non-originalist interpretation of our Constitution!). And all of this comes as the midterm elections are gearing up. Naturally, despite what the polls say, this is going to backfire on the liberal DIMocrats.

Who was behind this, you ask? Naturally, it was the most vile of all 4-letter words - the ACLU. As usual, the pro-Socialism ACLU decided to try to destroy our democratic system and to destroy our freedom. They have no shame.

Luckily, the Justice Department is appealing, and I have little doubt that, thanks to the freedom lovers of the Supreme Court (led by my hero Nino Scalia), W will ultimately prevail. They'll convince enough liberal activist judges on the Court to ignore the technicalities of our Constitution and to support the original intent of our Founders - security, and especially security over freedom whenever the two conflict.

Judge Anna Diggs Taylor and others fans of this decision, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 8/17/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another exciting and informative edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" I have a great question to answer this week, so I don't want to waste any time getting to it.

Jack X writes:

Dear Ted,

Let's say Hollywood decides to make a movie about Hurricane Katrina--the storm, the political humps associated with it, etc. Which actors do you think should play George W. Bush, Kathleen Blanco, Michael Brown, Ray Nagin, and other people associated with the storm (such as evacuees, Aaron Broussard, Mary Landrieu, David Vitter, Haley Barbour, etc.) and why?

I hope that question is interesting for you and you enjoy answering it.

Sincerely,
Jack X

Jack, if you've ever seen the Christmas videos released by the White House, one thing is clear - our divinely-inspired President can act! Therefore, only one man could play W - and that's W. If John Wayne was still alive, he'd be a great second choice, or Clint Eastwood could do a great job as well, but the top pick would have to be W.

Blanco would have to be played by Roseanne Barr. Only she could portray Blanco's general west-coast, liberal elite incompetence, and like Blanco, she's a fat, ugly airhead.

Brownie would be played by Steve Buscemi. There's certainly a resemblance, and again, he could show Brownie's incompetence and craziness. Perfect match.

Nagin would be played well by Dave Chappelle. Both are racist, and both have to be smoking something.

Aaron Broussard could best be portrayed by Jon Favreau. Both are chunky, and I'm sure Favs can fake some tears, too.

Mary Landrieu would be played by Paris Hilton - both are dumb, west-coast, liberal elite bimbos. They really couldn't be more compatible.

Haley Barbour would be portrayed by Brian Dennehy. Similar appearance, and I'm hoping Dennehy could act like he was a real American (a conservative) and not just another member of the west-coast, liberal elite.

David Vitter would be played by Arnold Schwarzenegger - bold, brave, and conservative. Both are also Republican politicians. Perfect match.

The evacuees should be played by the DSCC, DCCC, and the America-haters at democraticunderground.com. What do all of these people have in common? They hate America and always sit around with their hands out.

And, to throw an extra one in - General Honore would be played by Will Smith, and he'd have some ass-kicking theme when he comes in.

The main theme song would be written and performed by Toby Keith, and would discuss boots up asses; star-spangled boots, at that.

Jack, as always, thank you for your question. I really enjoyed this one, and I hope you enjoy the answers.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Reminder

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to submit your questions for "Thursdays with Theodore!" to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.


Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Back in the Friendly Skies

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be flying once again. To aid Homeland Security, I plan to make their job as easy as possible. By the time I pass through security, I plan to have stripped down to my tighty red, blue, and whities, with only my star-spangled loincloth and my red, white, and blue snakeskin boots in my possession (I'll pass the boots through the x-ray machine, of course). I hope other true patriots will do the same.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite civil libertarians want to say that such invasive security procedures violate the 5th and 14th amendments. I say hogwash. If you haven't done anything wrong, you won't have anything to worry about, right? It's ridiculous to suggest that civil liberties can be eroded one at a time by this thinking. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will take freedom over civil liberty any day!

I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who opined, "He who will sacrifice liberty for security deserves neither; instead, they deserve both, and he who will sacrifice security for liberty deserves a boot up the ass." Powerful words, and they ring as true today as they did back in Franklin's day.

Civil liberties huggers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Freedom Flicks: Hollywood Movies Actually Supporting America, episode 8/14/06

Dear Readers,

This Friday, a new movie called Snakes on a Plane opens. While this movie is questionable in terms of its artistic quality, the movie is dead-on in its analogy of snakes as America-hating terrorists. Much like the terrorists who hate us for our freedom and want to see us dead, these snakes chose our airlines to attack us. In light of recent events, it couldn't be more appropriate.

Dear readers, the bleeding-heart, west-coast, liberal elites want us to imagine that everything is fine and we face no threat (otherwise, why do they question our divinely-inspired leader's measures to monitor terrorists?). Yet we've seen over the last few days with the imminent terrorist plot in London that we face terrorism every second of every day in every location imaginable. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite fact mongerers want us to believe, yet again, in light of the evidence that has come out since, that the release of this news was politically motivated. I'm not buying it.

These snakes, like the Islamic fascists identified by our divinely-inspired President and the liberal Democrats, seek to kill us. That's why we fight them there, so we don't have to fight them here. I tip my cap to the makers of this fine film, and thank them of reminding us of the fear that must control our lives. Dear readers, go see Snakes on a Plane.

Makers of Snakes on a Plane, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Way to Go, 60 Minutes - Once Again

Dear Readers,

Tonight, 60 Minutes dinosaur - I mean, reporter - Mike Wallace interviewed the President of Iran. Naturally, the interview was little more than America bashing from both, with Wallace practically eating out of Ahmadinejad's lap. Obviously, this was to be expected from an Iranian leader. Sadly, this is also now to be expected from the west-coast, liberal elite liberal media such as CBS and the rest of the mainstream media.

You see, dear readers, these liberal media types do all they can to make the enemies of America seem sympathetic. Rather than denouncing Ahmadinejad to his face, Wallace had the audacity to ask him questions! The hate-America-first liberal media buddies up to those who wish us harm, but won't go out of their way to support the policies of our divinely-inspired President that are intended to make us safer; instead, they like to point out those safety measures that, in a pre-9/11 world, may have been slightly unconstitutional. Unfortunately, this is the reality we now live in.

Mike Wallace and the rest of the liberal media, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Trying to Divert Our Attention

Dear Readers,

It has been reported that even this past week, with the breaking news of the terrorism plot in London, that the administration of our divinely-inspired President sought to cut funding for explosives detection devices. As you may imagine, the west-coast, liberal elite defense experts point to this as another sign that the Bush administration is weak on national security, despite the bravado with which they speak. They say this is more evidence that the Republicans are in trouble come November. They couldn't be further from the truth.

Dear readers, the Bush administration is fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. By talking about cutting this funding at a time where it is obviously needed, the Bush administration is trying to dupe people into a sense of doubting their effectiveness. As a result, we will be even safer, as this administration will be even stronger in fighting terror. It's brilliant.

Those who question the Bush administration's discussion of cutting funding of explosives detection devices, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Terror in the Skies

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., took to our friendly skies. At the airport, I was informed of new restrictions that required all passengers to discard of all liquids and gels. Some see this as an infringement of liberty. I, however, am grateful for this security measure.

Dear readers, you see, I, like all other real Americans, support any measure taken by our divinely-inspired President to keep our country safe. Unlike the west-coast, liberal elite civil liberties huggers, I value our safety. To be free, sometimes you have to give up your freedom. We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here, and these colors don't run.

Shockingly (though I suppose we shouldn't be surprised), the west-coast, liberal elite have accused the Republicans of using this situation for political gain. They point to statements by Vice President Cheney and Ken Mehlman regarding the Connecticut Democratic primary, which came before the announcement of this terrorist plot but after the Bush administration knew about this. They suggest that the Bush administration would use terrorist threats for political gain. And they wonder why they keep losing!

More unbelievably, they say that this shows that the Bush administration has failed to protect our country. First, they point to the fact that the British foiled this plot, not the U.S. Then, they argue that this plot shows we're no safer today than before 9/11. Finally, they suggest that the Iraq war has only emboldened terrorists, especially since we haven't caught Osama like our divinely-inspired President had promised we would. Dear readers, have these people forgotten 9/11?

Anti-security Democrats, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 8/10/06

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., had quite an experience as an air traveler today. Luckily, our government kept us safe, as we're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite point to today's events to show that the Bush policy has failed miserably, because this event could have meant us having to fight them here. I say hogwash, but I'll discuss this more tomorrow.

On to your questions.

Willington writes:

Hey Teddy

Should Cynthia McKinney run as an independent candidate to keep her seat?

-Franklin Willington

Absolutely not, Willington. Lieberman cares about our national security. He wants to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here. He needs to win, and his campaign is noble. McKinney is just crazy, and thank goodness we're rid of her. The west-coast, liberal elite political scientists argue that her successor is more liberal than her, but I'm not buying it.


Jack X writes:

Do you think Ned Lamont's victory emboldened the terrorists?

Jack X

Without a doubt. Does it not make perfect sense that this is the logical result of an anti-Iraq war candidate winning? These events are not about any failure of our divinely-inspired President's foreign policy or defense strategy; it's the fault of a primary winner in Connecticut for one Senate seat.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite chronology experts will point out that this plot was uncovered well in advance of Lamont's victory. As you all will realize, of course, that's ridiculous. The only logical explanation is that this one election emboldened them, even if they began their plotting well in advance. Ned Lamont, have you no shame?

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Major Blow to Democracy - The Loss of Senator Joe Lieberman

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, the idiots in Connecticut voted for anti-war and anti-American Ned Lamont in the Democratic primary for the United States Senate. The west-coast, liberal elite of Connecticut have decided that they'd rather we have to fight them here than to fight them there. The hate-America-first crowd hates freedom and security. They truly have no shame.

As expected, the west-coast, liberal elite political scientists have said this is by definition how the democratic process works. The voters have spoken, they say. Folks, I'm not buying it.

The democratic process, dear readers, only works when citizens vote for pro-American, conservative candidates. Luckily, Joe has decided that he will ignore the will of the voters and launch an independent campaign instead. Now that's democracy in action!

Luckily, there is more good news to come from this. Republicans are spinning this as what it is - a sign of how much Democrats hate America. Even White House Press Secretary Tony Snow has gotten into the act. Is there anything more bipartisan than a White House official commenting on this political race?

There is hope. The rise of the Democrats is a certain sign of the demise of the Democratic Party!

Connecticut voters, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Sabotage on a True American, Senator Joe Lieberman

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am enraged. Today, my hero Joe Lieberman's website was hacked by the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first crowd. Without doubt, this was done by his opponent, hate-America-first liberal Ned Lamont. Leave it to liberals to hate democracy.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite bandwidth mongerers like to point out that the true cause of this problem was that the Lieberman campaign bought a bargain basement package from a hosting company. This million dollar campaign paid only $15 for their hosting package, and in essence, you get what you pay for (so these liberals say). As a result of increased traffic, they want us to believe that the server was overburdened and simply couldn't handle the traffic, and they point to the fact that the other websites that this company hosts are down, too. Folks, I'm not buying it.

Liberals have long been known for having dead voters "vote" in campaigns. Only liberals do these dirty tricks. Conservatives (i.e., true Americans) respect democracy and would never do such a thing. Liberals crashed Joe's site, and it's time for them to pay the price.

Friends in Connecticut, get out and vote for a true American patriot, Joe Lieberman. Don't let the west-coast, liberal elite website hackers influence this campaign. Go Joe!

Senator Joseph Lieberman, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Invisible Hand At Work!

Dear Readers,

Today, BP's main pipeline in the U.S. was shut down because of corrosion in the pipe. Dear readers, this is truly a gift for us. As a result of supply going down, the price of oil has already jumped! And our economy is about to take off.

Dear readers, there's nothing that excites old Teddy more than a free market economy on its way up. Make sure that you diversify your portfolio asap - among ExxonMobil, Shell, and the other big oil companies. We're headed for good times; $4 per gallon gasoline = dividends beyond your wildest dreams!

Happy days are here again, dear readers! Isn't capitalism and a free market where supply and demand ALWAYS set the price curve, rather than the big oil companies setting it for unimaginable windfall profits, wonderful?

Fellow free market lovers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Freedom Flicks: Hollywood Movies Actually Supporting America, episode 8/6/06

Dear Readers,

As you may be aware, a movie celebrating all that is good with America recently came out. As I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have said numerous times, there are only three real sports - wrestling, high school football, and Nascar. It's been over a decade since the last Nascar movie came out, that of course being Days of Thunder. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby continues the legacy.

Now I have not seen this movie yet, but I can tell you this - any movie that celebrates Nascar celebrates America. Nascar fans are real salt of the earth Americans. Normally, the west-coast liberal elite mock this sport, but finally, with this movie, this all-American sport will once again be celebrated.

Dear readers, turn off the Brickyard 400, and get to your theater to see this movie. Bring a flag with you to wave.

Hollywood, for making a movie celebrating Nascar, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A New Mission for You, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

As you know, we're less than 100 days away from the November elections. In order to ensure that the hate-America-first crowd (the Democratic party) doesn't win, we need to spread the good word. How to do that, you ask? I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have a simple answer for you.

Dear readers, your mission, to ensure victory, is to spread "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks" to the masses! Send on the link, www.teddytrumbles.blogspot.com, and make sure everyone you know is gaining the wisdom of my insight. Come November, you'll be glad you did!

As always, dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Master of Oratory

Dear Readers,

Just two days ago, before a Senate committee, one of my personal heroes, Donald Rumsfeld, showed why he is a magician with words. Taking on all comers, especially that commie Hillary Clinton, Rummy displayed a command of the English language that can only accurately be called "magical." Despite two high-ranking military officials mentioning that Iraq could be close to civil war, Rummy, naturally much more knowledgeable of the military, refused to give in on this point! It was all I could do to contain my excitement.

More impressively, facing Clinton's attack, Rummy came out punching, diminishing her words by starting his retort with a very condescending "my goodness." How clever can one man be? He effectively attacked the credibility of her whole attack with two words. It brought a tear to old Teddy's eye.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite word mongerers like to point out that Rummy uses many words to effectively say nothing. Further, they like to point out that he lied when he said he's never painted an optimistic picture of things in Iraq, since a simple Internet search could show otherwise. Folks, this is just another example of the liberal media trying to take this man down, since they can't do it otherwise. This man, who is the right hand man of our divinely-inspired leader, is simply working to spread freedom and to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here. He deserves better.

Donald Rumsfeld, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

An Endorsement for Freedom

Dear Readers,

Today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to throw my political clout behind Joe Lieberman in next Tuesday's Connecticut Senate primary. Mr. Lieberman is my kind of Democrat - he's practically a Republican, and thus, a true American. Therefore, he deserves our support.

Mr. Lieberman is facing a stiff challenge from Ned Lamont, a member of the west-coast, liberal elite. But folks, we're at war. We have to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here. Joe understands this, while Lamont (who is - shockingly - anti-war) does not.

Our divinely-inspired leader realizes this, and by God, so do I! Dear readers, hurry to Connecticut and register to vote, and send some money along as well. Got to get tough - go Joe!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 8/3/06

Dear Readers,

Let's get straight to the mailbag. This week, there's a complex question from a loyal reader and true patriot, Jack X.

Jack X writes:

Dear Ted,

What do you think of Congressman Charlie Rangel making his decision to step down if the Democrats do not regain power in Congress after this year?

Also, what is the purpose of the draft bills he has proposed since the Iraqi invasion? Is he really trying to scare or ruin the lives of many people in our age group?

Sincerely,
Jack X

PS. Rangel is from Harlem and therefore cannot be considered a "west-coast liberal elite."

Jack, excellent question. By taking this stand, Rangel has shown just what a coward he and the rest of the hate-America-first Democrats are. I wish they would all take this position, so that when they lose, Republicans will completely control every branch of the government, rather than just having majorities in 2 of the 3 and full grasp of the other!

The draft bills he has introduced are part of his hate-America-first stand. He's trying to undermine the war, because he doesn't realize that we're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. Same song, different verse, Jack X.

And no matter where he's from, he can be part of the west-coast, liberal elite because he's sympathetic to their anti-American agenda.

Great questions as usual, Jack X. Thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Reminder

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow will see a return of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Make sure to get your questions in at teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

They're Ready to Stand Up!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have outstanding news to report! Today, Iraqi President Jalal Talabani announced that Iraqi troops will take over security work in the country by the end of the year. That's less than 5 months away! Our divinely-inspired President has said all along that "when they can stand up, we'll stand down." That time has come.

Dear readers, this is a huge victory for democracy and for W. Iraq has been on a road to peace for quite some time, despite the west-coast, liberal elite, cut-and-run, hate-America-first Democrats. Finally, our struggles have paid off.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite defense experts like to say that only a tiny percentage of the Iraqi troops are sufficiently trained for this work. Further, the west-coast, liberal elite cut-and-run crowd will see this as an opportunity to yank out our troops. Folks, we've got to stay the course, as even if the Iraqis take over, we still need to vicariously run things to ensure that democracy and freedom take root. In name, yes, let's recognize this for the victory it is, but in fact, it only reminds us of the need to stay the course.

Cut-and-runners, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Victory for Democracy

Dear Readers,

Last night, Commie (and Democrat hero) Fidel Castro ceded power to his brother, meaning that today was the first day that we haven't had that tyrant in power just to our south in almost half of a century. Now, there's no imminent conversion to democracy in Cuba, nor is there any sign that he won't re-claim his position as a dictator once he has recovered. But think of how wonderful today has been! You can smell democracy just down the line.

Folks, this is simply a sign of God's support of freedom and democracy. Through our divinely-inspired President, God is working to spread democracy in the Middle East. While W is busy, though, God has interacted to give us a taste of what life will be like once there is full democracy in our hemisphere, too. Freedom is on the march!

If anything, this must strengthen our support of the President and his mission to spread freedom. It's time to convert the west-coast, liberal elite. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am doing my part, and I need for you, dear readers, to do the same.

Fellow democracy lovers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.