Another Christian and American Hero Under Attack

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am enraged. A true Christian and American, Mr. Mel Gibson, is under assault by the west-coast, liberal elite. As you may have heard, Mel was arrested this weekend for DUI, and I by no means condone drinking and driving; in fact, I am leading a temperance movement, as old Teddy doesn't drink alcohol at all, just beer. Now, though, Mr. Gibson is under attack.

First off, those west-coast, liberal elite cartographers are all in my face again, telling me that Mel Gibson is an Australian. Yes, by birth, they're right, but he's a full-blooded American now.

Next, they point to some comments that he ALLEGEDLY said. These quotes, however, are little more than the work of the liberal media, planting damaging things in his mouth to get him in trouble. Same old, same old, dear readers.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite hate-Mel-and-America-first crowd conveniently forgets about the greatest movie of all time. That's right, I'm referring to The Passion of the Christ. It's as 100% accurate and infallible as the Bible, and it strengthens one's Christianity. Nevertheless, the west-coast, liberal elite Hollywood crowd wants to call it anti-semitic. Folks, that's hogwash; it's simply pro-Christian.

Mel Gibson critics, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Back Online, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

The move is completed, and a ton of stacked boxes await old Teddy now. I apologize for being so slow in getting back to offering my wise insight to all of you, but the move was much more difficult than I had anticipated. Due to the lateness of me getting back into cyberspace, dear readers, I will just roll this week's submissions for "Thursdays with Theodore" over to the upcoming week.

Dear readers, thank you for your patience, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Fair Warning, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be firing up the F-250 and moving to a new abode. Therefore, I will be unable to perform my weekly duties for "Thursdays with Theodore!" Have no fear, though, as I will answer your questions on Friday! Make sure to send them along to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Par for the Course with Science

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am rarely shocked by the lies and ridiculous claims spouted by the west-coast, liberal elite science community. From evolution to global warming, they simply create lies and try to paint those of us who don't fall for them as the dumb ones. As usual, this time, the joke's on them.

As you may recall, a scientist from Korea, Hwang Woo-suk, was caught last year having falsified the results of his research. This is certainly nothing new for the anti-God, anti-America science crew, as one of their most famous, Gregor Mendel, did the same. Now, however, this scientist is under investigation for using research funding for his own private expenses. His defense? The money was spent trying to clone - make sure you're seated for this one - mammoths!

That's right, dear readers, now they're trying to clone animals that have been extinct for 3-4,000 years, almost as long as the earth has been in existence! It's a slippery slope from here to cloning humans and then creating human cyborgs. Marriage and procreation is for Adam and Eve, not Adam and a petri dish.

These people are supposed to be the intellectuals, yet they lie and chase pipe dreams. And now, they're trying to force this mythology down our kids' throats. Enough is enough, people. The only explanation that makes sense is Intelligent Design. If it's good enough for our divinely-inspired President, it's good enough for Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.!

Science community, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Top Tunes: Music for Real Americans, episode 7/24/06

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, as I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., was driving home, I flipped through the channels on my radio and caught what is undoubtedly the greatest song of all time. Naturally, I'm referring to Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue."

Here, I've reproduced the most powerful lyrics from this unbelievable song:

Justice will be served
And the battle will rage
This big dog will fight
When you rattle his cage
And you'’ll be sorry that you messed with
The U.S. of A.
`Cause we`ll put a boot in your ass
It`s the American way

Hey Uncle Sam

Put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty
Started shakin'’ her fist
And the eagle will fly
Man, it'’s gonna be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom
Start ringin'’ her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you Courtesy of the Red White and Blue

Dear readers, does this not send shivers down your spine - shivers of patriotism and freedom? And honestly, can anyone argue that putting a boot in one's ass is not the American way? Now, the west-coast, liberal elite want to argue this isn't the best way to spread freedom, and that this is simply false bravado by some redneck. More passionately, they ask why Mr. Keith has not joined the military himself. As you can see, dear readers, they simply want to attack the messenger, but not his message!

Dear readers, buy this CD and others by a real American like Toby Keith.

Toby Keith, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

My Apologies to You Again, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

As some of you know, because of where we are in our careers, Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., and I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., currently live in different states. I spent the last week on a wonderful visit to Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq. Because of the limited time we have together, I consider my time with her to be infinitely more valuable than time spent at my computer. I am sure all of you will understand, and I thank you for that.

Now that I am home, I will be returning to offering my insights to you on a daily basis. I thank each and every one of you for your kindness and understanding in this matter, and I will work to regain your trust.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 7/20/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's edition of "Thursdays with Theodore." I have a complex question to get to, so without further hesitation ("adieu" is too Frenchy, in my book), I will answer it.

Jack X writes:

Dearest Ted,

Going back to the topic of presidents, who do you think, in US History, were the five best Presidents, and who do you think were the five worst Presidents and why?

Sincerely,
Jack X

Well Jack X, I'm going to give you fairly short and sweet answers here.

5 worst:

1) Bill Clinton - west-coast, liberal elite.
2) FDR - west-coast, liberal elite.
3) JFK - west-coast, liberal elite.
4) Lincoln - west-coast, liberal elite.
5) John Quincy Adams - generally ineffective, and his election is seen as having been stolen from Andrew Jackson. Plus, he was a member of the west-coast, liberal elite.

5 best, in reverse order:

5) Teddy Roosevelt - would be higher, but his anti-free market, pro-regulation stances move him down a bit. His strong defense and anti-tree hugging stances made him great, though.
4) John Adams - the Alien and Sedition Acts were the forerunners of today's terrorist surveillance laws, which allows us to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here.
3) Richard Milhous Nixon - set up a lot of the modern surveillance programs used by W to keep us safe so we don't have to fight them here.
2) Ronald Wilson Reagan - single-handedly killed the Soviet Union.
1) W - divinely-inspired and good folk; he fights them there so we don't have to fight them here.

There you have it folks. Thank you for your thoughtful question, Jack X.

Jack X and other dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Reminder

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow will be another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Make sure to get your questions, on any topic, to me at: teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

An Even More Inconvenient Truth

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have been sweating it out on vacation. I'm certain that you, too, have experienced the heat over the last few days. Naturally, the west-coast, liberal elite have seized this opportunity to push their liberal agenda. Old Teddy is here to set the record straight.

Now, as you know, the west-coast, liberal elite climatologists, speaking through Al Gore, have been ramming the global warming myth down our throats for quite some time now. They want us to believe that because of a byproduct as innocent as carbon dioxide, the earth is going to hell in a handbasket. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am not buying it.

Dear readers, I recall many hot days before, even hotter than this year. Yet somehow, now the earth is hotter than ever before? If that was true, we'd be setting record highs every day! These west-coast, liberal elite tree-huggers like to use fancy buzzwords like "polar ice caps are melting" and "unprecedented rapid glacier melting" to scare us back into the pre-industrial age.
Fear not, dear readers. These west-coast, liberal elite CO2-haters simply hate the free market and the byproducts it produces. There's nothing to fear here. Support our industries, drive your SUV's, and live your lives just as you always have, with a flag in one hand and your wallet in the other.

Global warming mongerers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

My Greatest Apologies

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., apologize for leaving you unguided with my sharp insight for the last couple of days. I intend to be back to posting regularly within the next day or so, but as I am still on vacation, I am unable to make any promises. For now, I will simply offer a solution to the current crisis in the Middle East.

Dear Readers, I have often advocated a simple strategy to minimize the risk to American troops in terms of cleaning up the Middle East: carpet bombing. From the north, to the south, and spanning from the east to the west, old Teddy says to carpet bomb all of it. All of those countries except Israel harbor terrorists, right? Well, we'll take them all out and replace them with democracies, and all of our troubles will be solved!

Those of you who oppose democracies in the Middle East, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Upcoming Vacation

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be heading vacationing for the next week. I will post as often as I can. I apologize if I seem disloyal to you, my dear readers.

Be well, dear readers, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

"A New Direction" - yeah, backwards!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am enraged. Like other real Americans, I'm being witty and saying that the Democrats' new campaign, "A New Direction for America," shows the direction they want the country to move in - backwards! Isn't that clever?

More importantly, however, is the commercial that these west-coast, liberal elite Democrats recently came out with, where for 1-2 seconds they show an image of flag-draped coffins of our fallen heroes. Have these liberals no shame? Why are they trying to profit off of the sacrifices of these heroes? Why did they feel the need to do the liberal media's job for them?

Now, these west-coast, liberal elite hypocrisy mongerers like to ask how the Republicans (i.e., true Americans) dare question them on this, as the Republicans have been running on 9/11 since that tragedy occurred. More importantly, they point to Republican commercials during the '04 campaign that used the image of a flag-covered body removed from the WTC. And then they dare ask how Republicans dare question them on this, despite having made these commercials.

Dear readers, take it from me, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., the two situations are nothing alike! The Republicans are executing the war on terror, and the Democrats want to cut and run and flip-flop and tax and spend or something like that. As you can see, the Democrats want to profit from tragedy, but the Republicans simply use these images as somber reminders to show what a threat the hate-America-first Democratic party is to our great country. And no, these Democrats have no shame.

DCCC, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 7/13/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" I'll start with Jack X, since he loves America, unlike Willington.

Jack X writes:

Dear Teddy,

What do you think about the proposed Louisiana video game law?

Sincerely,
Jack X

Jack X, great question. Video games are the single greatest threat our children face today, just like gay marriage and flag burning. The children are our future. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite constitutional "scholars" like to claim that conservatives wrap themselves in the mantle of classical liberalism, with its praise of individual rights, and that liberals operate in the same vein as civic republicans, putting the group first over individual rights. Now, these hypocrisy mongerers like to point out that conservatives are being contradictory here in supporting this ban. Take it from me, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., when I tell you that's crazy. We're simply looking out for the individual rights of other people, and for our future! This law is brilliant, as it allows us to protect the moral flavor of part of our nation. Hopefully, Congress is listening.


Willington asks:

Hi Ted,

What do you think of Israel attacking Lebanon? Do you think that we should put Israel on the axis of evil?

Franklin Willington

Willington, please - cease your hatred of democracy and freedom. Israel is the only democracy in the middle east, aside from Iraq. We must support it at all costs. "Axis of evil?" No, let's place it squarely in the axis of freedom!

That's all for this week. As always, dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Another Quick Reminder

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to get your questions in for tomorrow's "Thursdays with Theodore!" The address, as always, is teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

More Humor from the Godless Liberals

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have a good one for you today. As you all know, liberals hate religion and God. Now, however, they're pretending to like both. Obviously, this is little more than an election year ploy. But what would you expect from Liberals?

Now, the Commie Broadcasting System is reporting this, so take it with a grain of salt since they'll do anything to make liberals look better: hilarity. But let's accept it as face value, and look into this some more.

If the Bible teaches us anything, it's to support conservative values. Conservatives are the moral majority, of course. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite fake theologians want to claim that the Bible compels us to "love thy neighbor," and "to be thy brother's keeper." Then, they want to extend this to social programs, raising taxes to support the lazy. This is ridiculous.

To be religious means to make as much money as one can. Ever heard of the Protestant work ethic? And for that other favorite social issue of the liberals, have you forgotten the lesson of Sodom and Gomorrah. Libs, if you cared about religion, you'd become conservative. Period.

"Christian liberals," why do you hate God and America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Ride!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have just returned from a visit to some west-coast, liberal elite optometrist. She (yes, "she," if you can believe they give those degrees to women) numbed my eyes, so I'm not sure what I'm typing to you. I hope it will make sense. Since I'm a man, I never took any typing classes or anything.

On my way home, unable to see well, I think I ran over two or three hybrids. My F-250 is just perfect for smashing these west-coast, liberal elite America-hating hybrid drivers. I'm pretty sure each one spilled a soy latte on themselves when I hit them; I didn't see this, mind you, but the west-coast, liberal elite love to double fist soy lattes, and the west-coast, liberal elite love to drive hybrids. From there, it's an easy logical connection!

Dear readers, if you're ever on the road and see a star-spangled F-250 come up behind you, chances are it's old Teddy. You'll know it's me if you don't see some west-coast, liberal elite cell phone. You see, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., use a manly means of communication, the old C.B. radio. You may remember my musical exploits from my Flag Day post, so my handle of "The Rusty Tromboner" may make sense to you. I do have a second handle, which was given to me after I helped an elderly patriot hoist his flag at a rally in favor of invading Canada; that name is "Old Reach-Around Teddy."

So folks, if you hear that Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., is coming up behind you, rest assured that you can get in touch with "The Rusty Tromboner" or "Old Reach-Around Teddy," who is certainly on your tail!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

More Treason by the Liberal Media

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am enraged. Recently, I tore the New York Times to shreds for their treason. Now, Time magazine has forced my hand, requiring that I do the same to them. And I am most happy to oblige.

Dear readers, the current Time cover looks like this (special thanks to Willington for the heads-up on this one):


"The end of cowboy diplomacy"? Why don't they just print the Bush Administration's plans and mail a copy to the terrorists? If they let the terrorists know that "cowboy diplomacy" is over, then the terrorists have won. In a time of war, Time is aiding and abetting our enemies. And that's treason in my book!

These west-coast, liberal elite, corporate conglomerate magazine publishers apparently hate us for our freedom, too. When will they stop? I think the President has no choice but to create an "Office of Journalistic Freedom," to censor these America-haters.

Time, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Take That, You Surrenderist Pansies!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., rarely celebrate a soccer match, especially if it doesn't involve the boys from the U.S. of A. Today, however, is an exception, as Italy beat France in the World Cup championship. Now, everyone knows I'm no fan of those damn papists from Italy, but I'll cheer for them any day over those cheese-eating, America-haters from France. Luckily, the papists beat the pansies on penalty kicks!

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, America-hating French lovers want to tell me that my hatred of France is irrational. They say that there is some explanation for France's actions in World War II because of the massive losses the French sustained in World War I, which caused such a shocking demographic change that few countries would want to engage in the same thing 2 decades later. Further, they want to try to convince me that France had every right not to send troops to Iraq, and in the end, their decision has been vindicated due to the current (as they put it) "quagmire" there and the lack of WMD's. Well, to these west-coast, liberal elite, revisionist historians, I can only ask, why do you hate America?

Further, these same freedom-haters like to point to Italy's sordid past, as an Axis power in WWII. They like to say France was never against us to that degree, and in fact, without France's help, we very likely would not have won the Revolutionary War. More importantly, they try to undermine the extent of our Revolution by saying - get this - that the French Revolution was a more complete revolution than ours! Folks, these west-coast, liberal elite, revisionist historians have no shame.

Say what you will, but based on an accurate history, it's clear that France hates America more than Italy does. More importantly, they hate and undermine our divinely-inspired President. As a result, their economy has been suffering due to the boycott put in place by Bill O'Reilly (one of my personal heroes). I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., even had freedom toast this morning, prepared by Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., and while eating it, I shot a double-bird in the direction of those surrenderists!

France, I'm glad you lost. Nothing is more embarassing than losing in the championship game in overtime, on penalty kicks. Sure, America didn't advance past group play, but that's not as bad as losing the championship, because we only care about soccer if we do well, which doesn't happen too often! France, take this loss as a sign of the world's rejection of your hatred for freedom and your hatred of America. Thank you, Italy!

Frenchies, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Stephen Hawking, Another America-Hating Liberal

Dear Readers,

Recently, through the Yahoo Answers service, Stephen Hawking - that infamous west-coast, liberal elite astrophysicist at Cambridge - asked, "In a world that is in chaos politically, socially, and environmentally, how can the human race sustain another 100 years?" I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., recognize this as little more than the traditional west-coast, liberal elite bitching and moaning, while betraying their hatred for our divinely-inspired President, and I have little doubt that you've done the same. But let's look at this point by point.

Yes, the world is in political chaos, but only because the west-coast, liberal elite try to push their agenda on the rest of us. Liberalism is a set of failed ideas. The only way for us to progress and to continue to survive is to all adopt conservative values. The only way to move forward, dear readers, is to focus on the values and ideas of the past, and to embrace these and adopt them for the future!

Social chaos? The only social chaos is the unending crying of the liberals. Whether it's the west-coast, liberal elite in this country, the liberal Islamic fundamentalists, or liberal Palestinian militant groups, liberals are solely responsible for social unrest. If they would stop their whining and adopt conservative values, we'd solve this problem, too.

And finally, environmental chaos? Mr. Hawking, please, why don't you and the other west-coast, liberal elite tree huggers come down from your tree protests and try to step back into reality? I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have discussed manifest destiny before, and I'll briefly mention it again. God has favored the U.S. of A., and it is our birthright to use the resources that God has given us, even if those resources are found in other parts of the world. It's more important to live comfortably than to coddle the environment, yet the west-coast, liberal elite would have you think otherwise.

Mr. Hawking, please, stick to myths such as black holes. For political, social, and environmental issues, listen to and support someone who knows a little bit more than you do - our divinely-inspired President.

Stephen Hawking, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

You da Man, Ann!

Dear Readers,

Ann Coulter's Godless: The Church of Liberalism is the fourth-greatest work ever published, behind only The Bible, the Declaration of Independence, and the Constitution (when read in a strict-constructionist manner). Ann really hits the west-coast, liberal elite where it hurts. For example, one of her most salient points comes when she posits Alger Hiss as a saint in the "church" of liberalism. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. went up to a liberal friend of mine after reading this and asked him why he and his fellow commies worship Hiss so much, and he looked at me and asked, "Who the hell is Alger Hiss?" Just like a lying liberal to show the shame of denial. Boy, Ann, the truth really hurts them!

Well, lately, Ann has come under attack for charges of plagiarism. Man, Ann, they'll attack you for anything, won't they? Well, these west-coast, liberal elite plagiarism mongerers charge that Ann has lifted passages of up to 48 words from other sources without properly attributing them. Of all of the examples they use, they show, though, that she changed at least one word in the string. Dear readers, if it's different than the original, it can't be plagiarism, right? Exactly.

In the past few days, that most liberal of rags, the New York Post, has lobbed the plagiarism charge at Ann. In a most effective rebuttal, Ann exclaimed: "Once considered a legitimate daily, the Post has been reduced to tabloid status . . . Let me put it this way: It's New York's second-crappiest paper." Way to go, Ann! When the accusations are so obviously ridiculous, don't even waste your time attacking the message; just go straight to undermining the messenger! Ann has been so effective that Old Teddy wants to honor her with a rousing round of, "For she's a jolly good fellow" at his local bar. I'll take care of that tonight.

Dear readers, ignore these ridiculous charges and buy this excellent book. You know it's a good book when the publisher slashes the price 70% right before its release and it is currently being sold in some places for $4.99 . . . it really shows Ann's love for her readers and her desire to save them some money and make it easier for her fans to buy her work. Rush out and buy 2 copies right now!

Ann Coulter, oh man, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 7/6/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Unlike Willington, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., always respond to your inquiries in the afternoon so you have plenty of time to read and consider my thoughts, and to shape your lives appropriately in response.

Without further delay, let's get to the mail!

Franklin Willington writes:

What are your thoughts on Franklin Willington's "War on Freedom Bandz"?

Franklin Willington

What do you think my thoughts are? It's just another example of your hatred for America, like the other commies.


Jack X writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks,

What is your opinion on NJ Governor Jon Corzine and his recent reactions and shutdowns in that state?

Sincerely,
Jack X

Well, Jack X, this is another blatant example of the west-coast, liberal elite, New Jersey governors run-amuck. If the New Jersey governor isn't sodomizing another man, then he's sodomizing the taxpayers. Why should we pay more taxes to help other people? Look the Bible sets precedent, but the whole "you are your brother's keeper" deal is from the Old Testament. It's "old" for a reason! We need to only look at the New Testament . . . except for the creation story and Sodom and Gomorrah.

Jack X also writes:

Number one: if you could pick out ten symbols that are considred extremely American (like Apple Pie, Superman, and Baseball), what would you pick?

A cross, the Bible, the Ten Commandments, a bust of George W. Bush, a bronze of Ronald Reagan, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Ann Coulter, a Toby Keith cd, NASCAR, and, last but not least, the old Stars and Stripes!

Number two: Why do people think "Date Movie" is such a bad movie? I personally found it funny; however, I couldn't watch the entire film because I, as usual, received a defective DVD from Blockbuster.

Easy: because Hollywood is dominated by the west-coast, liberal elite in "la-la land."

Number three: Speaking on that level, I have noticed that Fox has really upped their annoying preview and commercial quotas on their DVDs by including a rather annoying anti-piracy commercial (one that says "you wouldn't steal a car," "you wouldn't steal a handbag," etc.). What is the point of it, especially when the people who would most likely see the commercial are ones who either purchased or rented the movie legally and fairly? Wouldn't the ad have an adverse effect, such that there would be more "piracy" done out of spite? Also, I find it annoying how on Fox and certain other DVDs, you can't skip certain things, like the FBI warning and certain previews.

Simple: because we're a nation of laws, and we lock up criminals. There is no crime as violent or as threatening to our way of life as this kind of piracy. We can't let these criminals undermine our security and the free market. We need to be tough on crime. Any ideas of rehabilitation are ridiculous!

Dear readers, until next time, as always, thank you for your questions! And thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Very Quick Reminder

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow is another episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" You know the drill, fellow patriots: teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

7/4/06 - A Day that Will Live in Infamy

Dear Readers,

As you all know, yesterday, North Korea committed a provocative act toward America. It’s time for us to stop pussy-footing around with old Kim and stick a star-spangled, snakeskin boot up his ass. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will not sit idly by any longer while this liberal dictatorship threatens us, due solely to the fact that they hate our freedom. As you may imagine, I am enraged.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite hypocrisy mongerers want to say that our divinely-inspired and duly-elected President won’t do anything out of fear. Dear readers, let me tell you something: if President Bush will attack a country that has no WMD’s and poses no threat to us, just imagine what he’ll do to a country that has such weapons and does pose a threat! Yet these liberals persist, and say that he won’t attack them for precisely that reason. Well, that’s hogwash: these colors don’t run!

Further – and get this – the west-coast, liberal elite cartographers want to tell me that the missile landed nowhere close to us and was an immense failure. More emphatically, even, the west-coast, liberal elite geopolitical defense experts want to say that North Korea is just sending out threats so that we’ll bribe them to stop, as their people are poor and starving and the country needs money to help feed them. Naturally, of course, these spineless liberals would rather that we have to fight them here than fight them there.

Dear readers, today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am starting a draft, and I’m drafting fellow patriots to support a new war and to wave flags while other, much braver people go off to fight it. Please enlist at teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Kim Jong-il, why do you hate America?

-General Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Glorious Day!

Dear Readers,

Happy 4th! Oh, what a marvelous time to celebrate one's love for America, while also attacking the west-coast, liberal elite for their hatred of America! Dear readers, as you all know, we live in the greatest country in the history of the universe - America, love it or leave it!

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., started my day with a star-spangled breakfast, having pancakes with blueberries, strawberries, and whipped cream. After that, I slipped on my patriot gear that I mentioned last night, went outside, and fired up my Harley. Old Teddy's town, you see, doesn't have a parade (because it's run by a bunch of Godless liberals), so I made my own. I placed my flags on the hog, strapped a boombox blasting Toby Keith, and slowly rode around town. I seem to have inspired many people, as numerous people honked and waved their arms at me, not to mention the police officers who had a word with me!

Around noon, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. went down to the park in my F-250 and decided to inspire the west-coast, liberal elite tree-huggers down there. I fired up the barbecue pit and surrounded myself in a semi-circle of two dozen flags. I grilled up some steaks wrapped in bacon - good American food - and later topped them with blue cheese (made in America, and it's "blue," not "bleu" like those damn French pansies want to spell it). The rareness of the steak and the blue cheese gave quite the star-spangled appearance!

After this, I decided to exercise my Constitutional right to assemble and I went downtown for a pro-war rally - pro war with Iran, mind you. Dear readers, we need to cut those terrorists off at the pass! Afghanistan and Iraq down, you're next, Iran.

Now, I'm at home, waiting for Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., to finish up my dinner. I'm currently plotting out my fireworks display for this evening. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, law-huggers in this town like to point out that fireworks are illegal here, but I beg to differ. I have a Constitutional right to show my love for America by blowing up some fire crackers. Naturally, the west-coast, liberal elite, hypocrisy mongers like to ask me why I find a right here that's not explicitly in the Constitution, but refuse to find others. My answer is simple and quickly shuts them up: we're at war, and the rules have changed!

I'm off to set up the display. Dear readers, I wish you and yours a happy and safe finish to the 4th. Make sure you celebrate America and berate America-hating liberals.

America, thank you for existing so that we can love you!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

How to: Properly Wave a Flag

Dear Readers,

The final celebration of our patriotic trinity is almost here. In order to make sure that you celebrate properly, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., would like to give you instructions on the correct way to show your pride in America. This is, of course, part of my service of giving back to my dear and loyal readers.

First and foremost, you must know the proper way to wave a flag. I really can't stress this enough. If you only have one of the small novelty flags, try to buy a larger one; if you can't, then make sure that you wave it in the appropriate manner. For these flags, place your palm up, place the stick across the palm, and make a fist. Rotate the fist, still holding the flag of course, until the flag and fist are perpendicular to the ground. For these flags, wave quickly, from side-to-side, by simply rotating the forearm and wrist back and forth. These flags are great for waving in the face of the west-coast, liberal elite.

A more appropriate flag size is roughly 2 x 3 feet, although 3 x 5 will work well, too. For these flags, place one pole in the palm of each hand in the same manner, and rotate the wrists so that the flags and the fists are perpendicular to the ground. With these, you'll want to create a figure-8 pattern with the pole while you're waving, as you'll just look dumb if you wave these side-to-side. With one in each hand, you're certain to create a wind of freedom!

Now, everyone knows that my policy is the more flags the better, so I strongly advise you to wave either the 2 x 3 or 3 x 5 foot flags. If you insist however on flying a much larger flag, you will need both hands on this flag pole. Again, create the figure-8 pattern, but take your time so as not to tire yourself out too quickly.

For clothing, the more star-spangled wear, the better. That's pretty simple. Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be washing and ironing my tighty red, blue, and whities, flag shirt, and flag-pattern denim shorts, and also polishing my star-spangled snakeskin boots. I challenge anyone to be more patriotic than me.

Fireworks: naturally, the bigger the better. Empty the little ones' college funds if needed. We need to send a message to the world that we're willing to do anything to flex our muscle and show the terrorists who's boss!

Finally, show your love for America with pride. Make sure that you tell anyone who is not celebrating that they hate America, and wave your flags in their face. Patriotism is contagious, folks! Make sure you rub it in the face of the America-hating, terrorist-coddling, Godless, west-coast, liberal elite.

Dear readers, tomorrow, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will recount my 4th of July celebration with you. Please send pictures of your patriotism along to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Fellow freedom-lovers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The New York Times (a.k.a., The Commie Post)

Dear Readers,

My anger over the Supreme Court's holding in Hamdan v. Rumsfeld has subsided slightly, so I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., can now turn my attention to another terrorist-loving organization, the New York Times. Folks, you don't need Old Teddy to tell you that the mainstream media is mind-bogglingly liberal. You also don't need me to tell you that the New York Times is the leader of this west-coast, liberal elite pack! But recent actions by the Times implicates them in treason, and that is something that I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., simply will not stand for.

Recently, the New York Times decided to run a story, despite the Administration's objections, exposing the government's bank surveillance program. That's right. We're engaged in a War on Terror, and this newspaper has the audacity to give away information on one of our means of fighting this war. Dear readers, that's treason not just in my book, but in that of my hero, Ann Coulter.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite want to tell me that any rational person would have known that the government was doing this and that this news could in no way disclose something new. These terror-coddlers, as you might imagine, don't want to see us win this war. They would prefer that we fight them here over fighting them there. I say prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law. Burn the witches!

Further - get this, dear readers - the west-coast, liberal elite coincidence-mongers want to point out that the Bush Administration's glorious arrest of the terrorists in Miami occurred the same day, and they contend that this was an attempt to divert attention from the NYT story. Look, if our divinely-inspired President is anything, he's a straight-shooter, and this Administration would never try to create a diversion. The people they arrested were terrorists. Never mind that they weren't linked to any terror organization, had no means of carrying out their plans, and the attack on the Sears Tower was overblown hyperbole. What's important here is that the surveillance program worked, and we caught terrorists before they could attack us. Have you forgotten 9-11?

Finally, the west-coast, liberal elite, freedom-of-the-press huggers want to argue that we need investigative journalism and that the press has become nothing more than a mouthpiece of this Administration. Let me dismiss this quickly for you: the media is liberal, so this is a ridiculous charge.

New York Times, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

In Response to Drudge and Willington

Dear Readers,

As you know, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am no fan of Willington, as he is a Godless, America-hating liberal. Matt Drudge, however, is naturally a hero of mine and the only source of my news other than Fox News. Both have reported, in recent days, on the controversy over the new Superman movie, and how the line "truth, justice, and the American way" has been replaced with "truth, justice, all that stuff." Willington celebrates this as a show of anti-Americanism, while Drudge bemoans this lack of support for America as being another indication of the west-coast, liberal elite's hatred for America. As much as it pains me to say this since Drudge is involved, both miss the mark in their reviews.

Dear readers, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., wish to offer a different take, and one that might surprise you. As this line is uttered by a newspaper editor, the writers of the film are actually pointing out the anti-American agenda of the liberal media! Rather than saying America isn't exceptional or that we should defer to the U.N., which the west-coast, U.N.-first, liberal elite always do, the writers and director are showing us the true feelings of the liberal mainstream media. Rather than a swipe at America, this is a shot at the terrorist-loving New York Times.

I couldn't be happier or more surprised. Hollywood, as you know, is filled with west-coast, liberal elites, and 99.99% of all movies contain some hatred for America or our divinely-inspired President. Well, "Superman Returns" breaks this mold. It shows us that the greatest threat to our way of life, other than liberals in general, is the work of their mouthpiece, the liberal media.

Dear readers, I strongly advise you to go see this movie. It will open your eyes and enhance your patriotism. It is the anti-Michael Moore, and real Americans couldn't be happier.

Writers of "Superman Returns," thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.