7/4/06 - A Day that Will Live in Infamy

Dear Readers,

As you all know, yesterday, North Korea committed a provocative act toward America. It’s time for us to stop pussy-footing around with old Kim and stick a star-spangled, snakeskin boot up his ass. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will not sit idly by any longer while this liberal dictatorship threatens us, due solely to the fact that they hate our freedom. As you may imagine, I am enraged.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite hypocrisy mongerers want to say that our divinely-inspired and duly-elected President won’t do anything out of fear. Dear readers, let me tell you something: if President Bush will attack a country that has no WMD’s and poses no threat to us, just imagine what he’ll do to a country that has such weapons and does pose a threat! Yet these liberals persist, and say that he won’t attack them for precisely that reason. Well, that’s hogwash: these colors don’t run!

Further – and get this – the west-coast, liberal elite cartographers want to tell me that the missile landed nowhere close to us and was an immense failure. More emphatically, even, the west-coast, liberal elite geopolitical defense experts want to say that North Korea is just sending out threats so that we’ll bribe them to stop, as their people are poor and starving and the country needs money to help feed them. Naturally, of course, these spineless liberals would rather that we have to fight them here than fight them there.

Dear readers, today, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am starting a draft, and I’m drafting fellow patriots to support a new war and to wave flags while other, much braver people go off to fight it. Please enlist at teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Kim Jong-il, why do you hate America?

-General Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.