How to: Properly Wave a Flag

Dear Readers,

The final celebration of our patriotic trinity is almost here. In order to make sure that you celebrate properly, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., would like to give you instructions on the correct way to show your pride in America. This is, of course, part of my service of giving back to my dear and loyal readers.

First and foremost, you must know the proper way to wave a flag. I really can't stress this enough. If you only have one of the small novelty flags, try to buy a larger one; if you can't, then make sure that you wave it in the appropriate manner. For these flags, place your palm up, place the stick across the palm, and make a fist. Rotate the fist, still holding the flag of course, until the flag and fist are perpendicular to the ground. For these flags, wave quickly, from side-to-side, by simply rotating the forearm and wrist back and forth. These flags are great for waving in the face of the west-coast, liberal elite.

A more appropriate flag size is roughly 2 x 3 feet, although 3 x 5 will work well, too. For these flags, place one pole in the palm of each hand in the same manner, and rotate the wrists so that the flags and the fists are perpendicular to the ground. With these, you'll want to create a figure-8 pattern with the pole while you're waving, as you'll just look dumb if you wave these side-to-side. With one in each hand, you're certain to create a wind of freedom!

Now, everyone knows that my policy is the more flags the better, so I strongly advise you to wave either the 2 x 3 or 3 x 5 foot flags. If you insist however on flying a much larger flag, you will need both hands on this flag pole. Again, create the figure-8 pattern, but take your time so as not to tire yourself out too quickly.

For clothing, the more star-spangled wear, the better. That's pretty simple. Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be washing and ironing my tighty red, blue, and whities, flag shirt, and flag-pattern denim shorts, and also polishing my star-spangled snakeskin boots. I challenge anyone to be more patriotic than me.

Fireworks: naturally, the bigger the better. Empty the little ones' college funds if needed. We need to send a message to the world that we're willing to do anything to flex our muscle and show the terrorists who's boss!

Finally, show your love for America with pride. Make sure that you tell anyone who is not celebrating that they hate America, and wave your flags in their face. Patriotism is contagious, folks! Make sure you rub it in the face of the America-hating, terrorist-coddling, Godless, west-coast, liberal elite.

Dear readers, tomorrow, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will recount my 4th of July celebration with you. Please send pictures of your patriotism along to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Fellow freedom-lovers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.