Thursdays with Theodore, episode 11/30/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Now, to a great question:

Jack X writes:

What do you think of...Huey Long?

Jack, great question. The short and sweet answer is that he was simply a west-coast, liberal elite demagogue. For him, it was all about ego and hurting business. The man stole from the rich through taxation (hurting the free market, no doubt) to provide handouts to the lazy such as free textbooks for public schools. The man was full of San Francisco values.

While I'm not one to revel in anyone's death, luckily he wasn't around long enough to be President. Had he been President in WWII, he would have no doubt cut and run and allowed the enemy to fight us here rather than fight them there. Plus, he would have opened our borders to the enemy, forced women to have abortions, forced gay marriage and gay adoption, banned Christianity, forced evolution down our throats, and provided welfare to all lazy Americans. He could have been even more disastrous than FDR!

Jack X, thank you for your question. Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to get your questions in for this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" For those new to the site, "Thursdays with Theodore!" is a way for me, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., to give back to my dear and loyal readers. Just send me any question you might have, from politics, to religion, to dining, to fashion, to music and entertainment, and I will let you know what you need to do in order to be a real, God-fearing American and will offer additional insight as well. Please direct all of your questions to: teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thank You, Kansas!

Dear Readers,

As you all know, I've long been critical of the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-God-first, pro-evolution crowd. These people say we come from monkeys, but last I checked, my parents were humans. Furthermore, I've never gotten a clear answer from the Darwin-mongerers when I've asked where my tail is if I came from a monkey. They simply look at me in silence, unable to offer a response.

Most importantly, the Bible clearly tells me that there is no evolution. God chose to place not one, but TWO creation stories in Genesis, after all! Case closed.

Finally, though, some real Americans from the Heartland are attacking this evolution bunk head-on. Rather than banning the teaching of evolution, they're banning people from trying to evolve themselves. These brave Kansasites...err, Kansians...err, people from Kansas, have decided that enough is enough. It's time to take on the seculofascists and put God back at the forefront of our laws and society in general.

Kansas Outlaws Practice Of Evolution

Brave citizens of Kansas, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Taking it to 'Em!

Dear Readers,

Whoa, my boy Newt Gingrich is back! A self-described terrible leader, Gingrich is currently considering an unorthodox run at the Presidency. In the meantime, though, he's wasting no time getting at the greatest threat of our time: free speech.

Last night, at a free-speech dinner in New Hampshire, Newt told the audience that free speech might have to be rolled back in order to fight terrorism. Where better to begin an assault on free speech - in order to keep our nation safe - than at a dinner of free-speech coddlers? And, with New Hampshire being among the first primaries, what a place to launch your campaign. Newt, you're one shrewd operator!

You see, dear readers, our Founders knew nothing of war, and they certainly would have no qualms with us rolling back the Bill of Rights if there was the remote chance it could keep us safer. If memory serves, Franklin did say, after all, "He who would sacrifice liberty for security loves America and isn't some sniveling hate-America-first Defeaticrat." Newt is simply carrying the Founders' mantle. God bless him!

Newt Gingrich, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Targets 2 and 3: Staples and Subway

Dear Readers,

The boycott by Teddy's Troopers against Target is picking up steam. As the days pass, I will add to the list of retailers to boycott because they didn't wish me a Merry Christmas. Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, hypocrisy mongerers are on me again, saying that my calls for boycotts contradicts my special affection for the free market. Naturally, they miss the point, as I'm boycotting companies that refuse to participate in the free market outlined in the Bible by God.

Over the last two days, I've been to two additional retailers that have failed to wish me a Merry Christmas, Subway and Staples. Subway, as a secular progressive enclave, has no decorations of any type, and Staples, as a politically correct secular progressive enclave, seems to be celebrating every religious season and the unAmerican "Holiday Season." Dear readers, until these stores start celebrating Christmas (as our Founders intended) punish their anti-American activities by refusing to give them you hard earned cash.

As of today, Teddy's Troopers are boycotting:

Target
Staples
Subway
Citgo (b/c of Chavez)

Fellow boycotters, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

This Year's Target: Target

Dear Readers,

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, we turn our full attention to Christmas. More specifically, we focus on the secular progressive jihad against those of us real Americans who desire to keep Christ in "Christmas." Armed with their bombs of "happy holidays" signs and greetings, these secular progressive jihadists will stop at nothing short of a fully, non-Christian season.

Dear readers, you can, of course, see the danger here. The United States is the greatest nation in the history of the universe, and we were founded on Christian principles. Want some proof? There are 10 Amendments in the Bill of Rights, and there are 10 Commandments. Our Constitution and our money say "God." The conclusion that we are a Christian nation is inescapable.

Last year, Wal-Mart foolishly joined the side of the secular progressive fatwa, and they really felt the economic crunch when my hero Bill O'Reilly directed his loyal audience of age 70+ retirees to boycott Wal-Mart. As previously reported right here by old Teddy, Wal-Mart is back in the Christ game this year, and they will beat you over the head with the baby Jesus from their life-size nativity scenes unless you recognize Christmas, too.

This year, it's time for Teddy's Troopers to focus on the seculofascists at Target. These Christ-haters hang snowflakes and trees with messages such as "Season's Greetings!" and "Happy Holidays!". Naturally, dear readers, we can't sit idly by. We must confront this atrocity head on, with boycotts and pickets, until we force Target to commercialize Christmas in the way God meant for it to be. You have your mission, dear readers; don't let me down.

Target, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Happy Thanksgiving, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

From the Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. family to yours, Happy Thanksgiving! We have much to be thankful for this year, namely, the continued spread of freedom and democracy throughout the world. And, naturally, I'm grateful for our divinely-inspired President.

Dear readers, I apologize for being out of the loop so much lately, but I am traveling right now (as you may have imagined), so posting is a challenge. I will try to post again tomorrow, but may not be able to until Saturday.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America. And pilgrims, thank you for the first Thanksgiving!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Another One Bites the Dust, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

In addition to Tony Blair, another member of the west-coast, liberal elite, this time Henry Kissinger, has decided to commit treason against the United States. Over the weekend, Kissinger said that military victory in Iraq is no longer possible. Excuse me? We're spreading freedom - it's time these liberals like Kissinger hop on board the democracy express!

The only way for us to lose is to let the liberal Defeaticrats get their way. And that way, of course, is to surrender and let the terrorists take over this country. Because, you see, that's obviously the next step. And we'll be there in no time flat if hippies like Kissinger get their way.

If only 31% of the people in you country and virtually no one in the international community believe that what you're doing is right, does that mean you're wrong? Of course not! It means that you have moral conviction. And that is truly noble.

Henry Kissinger, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Liberal Media Strikes Again!

Dear Readers,

A big stink has been raised (predictably) by the west-coast, liberal elite, liberal media over the supposed statement of British PM Tony Blair, agreeing with a reporter's assessment that the War on Terror in Iraq has been "disastrous." As could be expected, the liberal media injected their liberal bias in order to make Blair look like a liberal who opposes the War. Blair himself has stated that this was taken out of context. I mean, who doesn't see the myriad of ways to interpret his agreement with the "disastrous" assessment? It could just as easily means he disagrees with it.

But the liberals, as mentioned, have jumped all over this. They see another opportunity to attack our divinely-inspired President. What they don't realize is that, although only 31% of Americans approve of how our President is performing his job, 100% of real Americans approve. And this distinction makes all of the difference.

Look, W and Blair both realize that we're involved in the most important conflict in the history of the world. They both see the need to continue to fight in Iraq despite the fact that the guy who attacked us is in Afghanistan. And they both recognize the necessity to keep fighting in spite of the NIE's report that all we're doing is creating more terrorists. Most importantly, they see the need for us to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here.

Tony Blair - who was only taken out of context - thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Slight Tip of the Cap to the Papists, For Once

Dear Readers,

You know by now that I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am no fan of the papists, being as they are anti-American and hate the Bible by suggesting that the teaching that we come from monkeys is ok. Further, they're always preaching peace, at a time when war against the Islamofascists is needed. Don't they realize that we have to fight in Iraq, despite the fact that the NIE found that we're actually creating more terrorists and the little fact that the people who bombed us on 9/11 came from Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan? If I didn't know any better, I'd think the papists were lock-step members of the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first crowd.

But, this week, at their fall conference, America's Catholic bishops reaffirmed the Church's position against abortion, homosexual activity, and contraception. Thank goodness. It's about time that Church took a stand against us being forced to be gay-married and to have to gay-adopt. And birth control? I'm not sure who uses this new-fangled devil's brew, but the only family planning one should do is to prepare the crib for a new baby. Abortion? It's simply domestic terrorism by another name.

America's Catholic bishops, for a change, I salute you. Now, if only you west-coast, liberal elites could find a way to stop raping children, since ALL of you do that. Then we'll be ok.

Papist bishops, for the time being, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 11/16/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's "Thursdays with Theodore!" So as not to waste any of your time, let's get to a great question that I've been asked this week.

"Ghost of Strom" writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

I'm a huge fan of "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks." As a fellow loyal defender of American and Southern values, I must ask you, how great is Trent Lott's recent election to the number 2 post among the GOP in the Senate?

~"Ghost of Strom"

"Ghost of Strom," thank you for a great question. Trent Lott is a man who would put the 10 Commandments up in every courthouse and school if the damn west-coast, liberal elite, Satan-coddlers wouldn't run crying to court every time he tried to do something. This is a man who embodies what we, as a fundamentalist (but righteous Christian fundamentalists who focus our anger on abortion clinics, not places with innocent people) nation stand for. If Trent Lott had been GOP leader in the Senate these last few years, we wouldn't have all of the problems we have today.

So, the man is supposedly a racist. It's called politics. He's just appealing to his base! It's smart maneuvering. Pelosi coddles her liberal wackos in San Francisco, and she's supposedly a "shrewd politician." Lott appeals to the average Mississippi voter, and he's a "racist."

You see, "Ghost of Strom," the west-coast, liberal elite, racism accusers have a double standard. Represent liberals, and you're just doing your job. Support segregation 50 years after Brown v. Board, and you're a racist. Trent Lott loves our flag, and he loves our Savior. In my book, we couldn't hope for more. He even hopes to send us all a Christmas message, but I'm sure the liberals will bitch and moan about this, too:



"Ghost of Strom," thank you for the great question, and dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to get those questions in for "Thursdays with Theodore!" Email all questions/comments to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Calling on You, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am going to be selfish today. You see, dear readers, the most important annual event in the history of mankind is upon us. Yes, I'm talking about the Weblog Award nominations. And I need your help.

You see, dear readers, because of the importance of my message for the conservative movement, I hope to win "Best Conservative Blog." That way, the message will gain even more legitimacy and our community will grow. But have no fear, dear readers, I won't forget all of you who have supported me from the beginning!

Dear readers, nothing would bring a tear to old Teddy's eye like a few nominations for "Best Conservative Blog," or for any other category, to be honest. I promise to repay your loyalty and kindness by continuing my attack on the west-coast, liberal elite, hate America first crowd!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Reporting for Duty, Sirs!

Dear Readers,

I'm often asked, "Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., why aren't you knee-deep in the shit over in Iraq?" It's a great question. Dear readers, don't think for one minute that it's from any cowardice.

You see, dear readers, since I learned the lessons of 9/11 on 9/11, I have gone to my local Army recruiting office no less than 3 times. Each time, I've naturally passed all of the physical requirements, but my dreams have been dashed by some west-coast, liberal elite psychiatrists. These liberals are apparently so scared by my love of America and desire to kill the Islamofascists that they won't to keep me out of Iraq, since these liberals don't want to win the war. It's not from lack of effort on my part.

So, I do what I can to right the wrongs the liberals spread, via this humble blog. I'm not the only brave conservative fighting this battle via binary code. There's a community of us, and I hope to soon be a full-fledged member of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists!



101st Fighting Keyboardists (using the German Eagle in your logo), thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Baker Commission

Dear Readers,

Well, it was inevitable. The screeching of the west-coast, liberal elite, reevaluation mongerers has finally gotten to our divinely-inspired President. Who can blame him? After all, the liberals raise this din non-stop. Even the saintliest amongst us, W, had to hear them after a while.

You see, dear readers, this so-called "bipartisan" Iraq Commission is undoubtedly going to advise the President to cut and run. What would you expect, with liberal elites like James Baker, the counsel for the Saudis in suits brought against them by 9/11 victims? And Robert Gates? This pansy liberal couldn't hold Rummy's jockstrap.

A wave of evil, surrender-first liberalism is descending upon Washington. We can only hope and pray that W can be strong enough to fend it off.

My fellow prayer warriors, this is your task. Don't let me down. Our nation - and the freedom of the world - depends on it.

Cut-and-Run Jim Baker, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thank You!

Dear Readers,

As today is Veteran's Day, old Teddy wishes to thank all of our veterans. Thank you for all that you do and have done.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Victory for the Non-Heathens!

Dear Readers,

Wal-Mart has announced that, despite their secular progressive past, they will return to celebrating Christmas! From signs saying "Christmas" to wishing you a Merry Christmas, they will be in your face to remind you it's Christmas. Our world is safe.

You see, dear readers, my hero, Bill O'Reilly, spent much of last winter fighting the war against the War on Christmas. And boy, has it ever paid off! What better way to celebrate Christmas than with the corporate vulgarity that is Wal-Mart? It's not like there's a place to gather with others in community fellowship in order to recall the life of Jesus and other lessons of the Bible, say, oh, once a week. Clearly, Wal-Mart is our only option.

Christianity is the soul of America, and Wal-Mart is our heart. Bill O'Reilly, thank you. James Dobson, thank you. And the secular progressives at Wal-Mary who finally woke up, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 11/9/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" We have a very timely question from loyal reader Jack X this week:

What do you think of Robert Gates?
Jack X

Jack, great question. I think this is a brilliant decision. Who better to replace the guy who funded and helped build up Saddam Hussein than the guy who funded and helped build up Osama bin Laden? In Gates' memoir, From the Shadows, he noted the hundreds of millions spent to build up bin Laden and Afghanistan in that nation's fight against the Soviets. Rumsfeld is famous for the handshake with Hussein; this is Gates' historical handshake!

With that pedigree, who better to take down bin laden than the guy that made him what he is? Gates will be a smashing success, despite the liberals trying to force him to cut and run. We'll be able to declare "mission accomplished" again in no time flat, and keep declaring it as long as we need to!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Photo from Today's Protest!

Dear Readers,

Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., snapped a pic of me protesting the stolen Virginia election. I won't stop until every ballot is recounted and the pro-American candidate wins.



Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Well, it's Not All Bad...

Dear Readers,

Today is a bad day for America. By the end of the week, we will have no doubt surrendered to the terrorists (never mind that the new Congress doesn't take over for another two months). Those liberals want us to have to fight them here instead of fighting them there.

But it's not all bad.

The west-coast, liberal elite, liberal media is pointing out that these new Democrats are conservative. What would you expect from a bunch of liberals? Listen to the conservative values of these new Dems:

Jon Tester, Democratic Senator-elect from Montana: organic farmer who is pro-choice, opposes flag-burning amendment, opposes gay marriage ban amendment, opposes the war, opposes the PATRIOT Act, and is a social libertarian. Boy, sounds like the kind of guy to have a few brews with Rush and Sean Hannity!

Bernie Sanders, Independent Senator-elect from Vermont: former Socialist mayor. So conservative, you just as well plan for him to be a regular on Fox News!

Claire McCaskill, Democratic Senator-elect from Missouri: attacked all throughout the campaign by the GOP for being too liberal on stem cells, judges, the war, and taxes. She's practically throwing the burka over her own head!

Sherrod Brown, Democratic Senator-elect from Ohio: this labor Democrat is obviously in the pocket of Big Business!


As you can see, these Democrats are so far right they'd need a compass to get back to the center! So, maybe they won't ruin things too much until we can unanimously sweep the House in '08.

Dear readers, stay strong. And thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

We did it!!!!!

Hey all you Teddy's Troopers!

I'm just here to let you congratulate me on my victory last night! That's right I saved the world from the Republican party and George Bush. Not to mention I got rid of Rick Santorum!

Take that Teddy!

-Franklin Willington

Not to Get Ahead of Myself (but it's looking good for the GOP!)

Dear Readers,

The numbers are rolling in, and boy, does it ever look good for the Grand Old Party! Keep your fingers crossed, pray for Republican wins, and trust Americans to vote for the party that wants to fight them there rather than fighting them here!



Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Polling Data from a Real American

Dear Readers,

You may not be surprised to learn that I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., operate a non-partisan polling operation. My company, the Real American Polling Corp., has been randomly polling real Americans on the tightest upcoming races. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am pleased to share these results with you.

Senate Races:

Pennsylvania:

Casey (D): 0%
Santorum (R): 100%
MOE: +/- 2%

Virginia:

Allen (R): 100%
Webb (D): 0%
MOE: +/- 1%

Missouri:

McCaskill (D): 1%
Talent (R): 99%
MOE: +/- 3%

Montana:

Burns: 100%
Tester: 0%
MOE: +/- 3%

Tennessee:

Corker: 99%
Ford: 1%
MOE: +/- 1%

Governor:

Pennsylvania:

Rendell (D): 0%
Swann (R): 100%
MOE: +/- 2%

Ohio:

Blackwell (R): 99%
Strickland (D): 1%
MOE: 0.1%


There you have it, folks. More as they become available!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Stay the Course - to Victory!

Dear Readers,

Tonight, that west-coast, liberal elite rag, "The Simpsons," touched on the War on Terror. They showed that we have no choice but to stay in Iraq until we pacify the insurgency and have won this war. I salute them, and thank them for showing us the importance of staying the course. Have a look for yourself:



Dear writers of "The Simpsons," thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Not Only Did He Not Inhale - He Threw the Drugs Away!

Dear Readers,

You are aware, no doubt, that Rev. Ted Haggard, a major leader of evangelicals throughout the country, has come under fire for his relationship with a gay prostitute, who he also bought methamphetamine from. He admits to buying the drugs from the prostitute, but he has put to rest all doubt that he used any drugs. As he mentioned, whenever he bought the meth, he simply threw the drugs away. See? No harm, no foul. Case closed.

Granted, the west-coast, liberal elite, hypocrisy mongerers want to use this to further smear the President. Haggard, you see, is a vocal proponent of a gay marriage ban. More importantly, he's a top evangelical advisor to the Bush White House. The liberal media wants to smear Rev. Haggard as being some type of hypocrite, and, in general, to point to the general hypocrisy of the evangelicals who are so prominent in the Bush Administration. The liberals, you see, are just making this up to influence the upcoming elections, so they can surrender to the terrorists.

Why are so many leading Republicans who oppose civil rights for homosexuals involved in homosexual affairs themselves? Why don't they just choose not to be gay? The liberals, you see, lure them into sin, and then frame them. It's as simple as that.

Marriage is for Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Liberal homosexual affair lurers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 11/2/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's pre-election episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" So as not to needlessly waste any of your time, let's get to those questions.

Jack X writes:

What do you think of John Kerry's remarks about Iraq that he made earlier this week?

Jack X, a youtube celebrity

Jack X, naturally, I think there's no way it was a joke, even though, in context, it was sandwiched between a series of jokes. Also, like one of my heroes, Tony Snow, said: "Where would the 'us' go?" Really, where? I mean, was it supposed to be "us get stuck in Iraq?" Or "get stuck us in Iraq?" Or "get stuck in us Iraq?" That explanation just doesn't make sense - where would you put it?

That decorated veteran, renowned for fighting for benefits and rights for our troops and veterans, is just another member of the west-coast, liberal elite, troop-hatin', liberals.

Cathy writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

Do you foresee the Democrats taking control of one or both Houses?

~Cathy

Cathy, great question. Lots of the west-coast, liberal elite pundits have been bloviating about a Democratic pickup of at least the House. Ain't gonna happen. Our permanent majority is here to stay. The voters are smart, and even if they aren't this time around, the Diebold machines will make sure we retain power.

Jeff writes:

Dear Teddy Trumblebunks,

What can we do to make sure the Republicans maintain both our Congressional majority and our moral majority?

Thanks.

Jeff

Jeff, that's easy. In order to maintain our moral authority, we need to beat the Democrats on a level playing field. Usually, our get out the vote efforts are much stronger and better organized. Therefore, so the libs won't whine after we beat them down, we need to help with their get out the vote campaigns.

Volunteer for your local Democratic candidates over the next few days. Once we beat them on a level playing field, they'll have to accept that we'll always win and they'll always lose. Our majority is permanent.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to get your questions in for "Thurdays with Theodore!" Email them all to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

As always, dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.