A Brief Absence

Dear Readers,

I'm going to be very busy for the next day or so, so I probably won't be able to give you another original post until Wednesday. I apologize for this, but will come back better than ever.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Another Version

Dear Readers,

As a bonus to the west-coast, liberal elite video in my previous post, here is the original version of "The Saints Are Coming," by those west-coast, liberal elite, punk rockers, "The Skids."



-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

More West-Coast, Liberal Elite, Anti-American Smut

Dear Readers,

Watch this video:



I will tip my cap to them in the sense that they acknowledge our troops as being saints. Other than that, it shows a desire to pull out of Iraq early, which means that we would have to fight them here rather than fight them there. It also suggests that our federal government somehow failed to do all that it could have potentially done in the aftermath of Katrina. These liberals have some gall.

U2 and Green Day, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

More Judicial Activism - Are We Shocked Any Longer?

Dear Readers,

As you no doubt have heard by now, the New Jersey Supreme Court, by a 4-3 vote, opened the door for gay marriage. Leave it to the west-coast, liberal elite, traditional marriage haters in New Jersey to undermine traditional marriage. The Framers intended marriage to be between a man and a woman only - Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

What does this mean? They want to force all of us to gay marry. The gays won't be happy until they achieve their gay agenda - and eliminate heterosexual marriage. With no heterosexual marriage, there will be no more children (since procreation is only for marriage), and then the illegal immigrants and the terrorists can take over America and the world. I'm not making this up - this is what they want.

Dear readers, if you can vote against extending basic human rights and respecting the dignity of homosexuals on November 7th by voting for a gay marriage ban, please do - our freedom and security depends on it!

Heterosexual marriage opponents, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 10/26/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" This week will be a bit unconventional, as there is an issue so pressing, I've been forced to submit a question to myself in order to bring it to your attention.

Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What do you think of the Taco Bell promotion for Game 3 of the World Series?

Thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thanks, Theodore. Dear readers, as you may or may not be aware, Taco Bell offered a free taco to everyone in America, and some in Canada, if a home run was hit by either team in game 3. The important part, though, is that not just any home run counted. No. The home run had to be hit to - get this - left or left center. Can you believe this?

The west-coast, liberal elite, taco pushers at the Louisville, Kentucky-based YUM! Brands, the parent corporation of Taco Bell, degraded America's past time by pushing their liberal viewpoint. If they wanted to appear nonpartisan, why not any home run, or any home run to center? But no, only things that are left or left of center are good in their book. Color me shocked.

What's in it for them to push their partisanship, you ask? Easy. Taco Bell benefits by the illegal immigrants streaming over our Mexican border, who find cheap, authentic food at Taco Bell. There's no cure for their homesickness quite like a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. By pushing a pro-illegal immigration platform, Taco Bell and YUM! Brands stand to gain huge profits. Naturally, these libs care nothing about our security.

Dear readers, join me in boycotting all YUM! Brands chains - Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, KFC, A&W, and Long John Silver's. I know this will be difficult, as I personally love the KFC Famous Bowls, but in order to protect our way of life, we must join together and boycott these restaurants destroying our freedom, one combo meal at a time.

YUM! Brands, why do you hate America?

Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Look What the Cat Dragged In

Dear Readers,

That commie, pinko, liberal traitor, Willington, is back. Naturally, he's still busy undermining our security by supporting liberal Democrats. If you're into that un-American stuff, check out his blog.

Also, readers, be sure to get in your questions for "Thursdays with Theodore," at teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Willington, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Leave it to the Lying Libs

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am enraged. As mentioned last night, the Bush Administration has in no way whatsoever flip-flopped on their Iraq policy. Leave it to that commie group, the DNC, to say otherwise, and insert lies in the mouths of W and others in the Bush administration. Take a look:



It's obvious what happened here. Liberal computer-geeks photoshopped all of these instances of the Bush officials stating that "stay the course" was their policy. Our divinely-inspired President has said it was never the policy, and as a man of God, he must be trusted. Never mind the exquisite production values of this video or the powerful message - it's all a bunch of photoshopped lies!

DNC photoshoppers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Staying the Course - To Victory!

Dear Readers,

The west-coast, liberal elite is in quite a tizzy. This week, our divinely-inspired President and his administration announced that "stay the course" will no longer be their slogan for the Iraq War. The pro-cut-and-run liberal crowd see this as W admitting his policies have failed and that change of some sort is needed. Dear readers, nothing could be further from the truth.

You see, as The Man Himself explained: "Stay the course is about a quarter right. Stay the course means keep doing what you're doing. My attitude is, don't do what you're doing if it's not working -- change." You see, we're staying the course, even if we don't call it that any longer. But "stay the course" is inherently flexible - just as the language suggests. Naturally, though, the west-coast, liberal elite, dictionary mongerers want to twist those words to make the President look bad.

We're going to stay the course. If we need to adapt, we'll change to a better course and we'll stay that course. We'll keep staying new courses until we win. But we won't cut and run, no matter how loudly all of the liberals are yelling for it.

Liberal cut-and-runners, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

They Can't Keep a Good Man Down

Dear Readers,

Representative Rodney Alexander (R-LA) has had a difficult month. First, he's held a central role in the liberal-instigated Mark Foley scandal. Sure, he was informed of what had happened, but as this man of the people noted, he passed those "i-mails" along. What more would we expect someone to do with an "i-mail"?

Now, it seems, Mr. Alexander's office is being sued for sexual harassment. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am not sure what people want from the Honorable Rodney Alexander. Apparently, gay relationships are bad, but no one can try to have a heterosexual relationship, either? Do liberals expect Republicans to be asexual? How would we procreate?

Some want to call Mr. Alexander a flip-flopper. They suggest that there's something dishonorable since he was a Democrat who changed parties when the wind shifted and it became politically advantageous in his district to be a Republican. I call this reassessment, when done by a conservative, to be wisdom. If done by a lib, it would, of course, be flip-flopping.

Mr. Alexander is an honorable, pro-procreation, protector of conservative American values. These baseless attacks show where the dishonor lies - with the libs.

Congressman Alexander, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 10/19/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Let's open that mail bag:

Jack X writes:

Who do you think are some of the best First Ladies and some of the worst First Ladies in American history?

Jack X

Jack X, that's a great question, but pretty easy to answer. The best are easily Barbara and Laura Bush, as they've understood that First Ladies are to be seen but not heard. First Ladies are most effective when they smile a botox smile, not when they're engaging in policy.

Speaking of engaging in policy, the worst first ladies are easily Hillary Clinton and Eleanor Roosevelt. As far as I know, we elected their husbands, right?!? What were these fools doing delving in law-making? Perhaps they should have taken a cue from Babs and Laura (well, except that for Eleanor, she preceded them by 6 or 7 decades), but then they would have understood the proper role of the First Lady.

I hope that has answered your question, Jack X.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

This Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss, Just Lies

Dear Readers,

Today, the west-coast, liberal elite rag, Rolling Stone, named a list of the 10 worst Congressmen. To no one's shock, the list is heavily slanted toward Republicans. By "heavily slanted," I'm talking 9 Republicans to 1 Democrat. Consider me shocked.

Dear readers, this liberal magazine wants to suggest that Republicans are somehow more corrupt than Democrats. True, we've got Foleygate, Duke Cunningham, Tom DeLay, Curt Weldon, Dennis Hastert, and Tom Reynolds mired in corruption scandals, among others, but the Dems have Bill Jefferson being bribed and Harry Reid, who disclosed everything regarding a land sale, just not on the correct forms. Clearly, the Dems are just as bad, and we should focus on them rather than on the Republican cover-ups in an attempt to retain power. Yet no one wants to hear that story.

You see, dear readers, if there is corrupt party, it's the Democrats. They allowed the Republicans to be corrupt without trying to stop them. If anyone wants to point the finger, it must be pointed to the left. Only the Republicans can fix this mess.

Democrats who failed to stop Republican corruption, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Safer with the Stroke of a Pen!

Dear Readers,

Today, our divinely-inspired President signed an anti-terrorism bill into law. This law will allow us to interrogate and prosecute terrorists, after the liberal-activist Supreme Court declared the military tribunals we used to be unconstitutional. Congress (i.e., the Republicans) and our President vowed that we will fight them there rather than fight them here. Thankfully, real Americans are looking out for real Americans.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, Constitution and Magna Carta mongerers like to point out that this new law is no more Constitutional than the tribunals the Court previously struck down. They point to the fact that, essentially, anyone W or Donald Rumsfeld deem to be enemy combatants can be prosecuted under this law. Further, they point to the suspension of the Great Writ, habeas corpus, as a violation of human rights and dignity and our rights under the Rule of Law. Finally, they want to coddle terrorists by saying truth-seeking processes such as water-boarding are somehow bad.

You see, dear readers, these liberals want us to be attacked. Rather than protect our interests, they want to cower in order to create a unified world, run by the Islamofascists. We can't let this happen. Thankfully, W pulled on his cowboy boots, rode into Congress, and told them there's a new sheriff in town - and Congress better follow or get the hell out of the way. Luckily, they followed his lead, and now we're safer.

W, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Late Response to a Loyal Reader's Questions

Dear Readers,

Please accept another apology from me for my recent hiatus in posting. My travels and participation in the free market took me away for a few days, and I apologize for leaving you without notice.

One very loyal reader, and a very talented blogger in her own right, jbwritergirl, has asked me:

I want to know, if George Bush and Curious George are actually related does Bush earn income from Curious's merchandising agreement and if so do you think he claims it on his income taxes?

And are George and Laura really calling it quits after a drunken spat?


JB, I recognize that in your first question, you're trying to equate our divinely-inspired President with a dumb monkey. First of all, despite what all you anti-God, pro-evolution mongerers want to claim, man didn't come from a monkey (if we did, where's my tail?). Secondly, W studied at both Yale and Harvard - with that on his resume, he CAN'T be dumb. All that he shares with this monkey is a name.

But, if he did receive such income, he would of course claim it on his taxes. If there's one thing W has shown us, it's that, with the help of Karl Rove, he does nothing except follow the law to the letter and act in the most ethical way possible. W wouldn't be some liberal tax evader.

Now, for your second question, I know that you're hoping W and Laura split up so that he can then gay marry. It's just not going to happen. He and Laura are loyal Christians, and follow the 10 Commandments perfectly (well, so long as you ignore that whole "thou shall not kill" bit.) They will remain married, even though they're tool old now for the sole purpose of marriage, procreation. Together, they'll simply have to procreate freedom.

I hope I've answered your questions, JB. Take care.

Charles Darwin, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Make sure to get your questions in for "Thursdays with Theodore!" Any topic, any question - none of it scares old Teddy! Please send all questions to: teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Libs and Their Doubts

Dear Readers,

As we all know, there is only one source of news that we can count on to tell us the truth without spinning it or lying about it. That, of course, is FOX News. Naturally, the west-coast, liberal elite love to attack the truth-purveyors at FOX. And now, they're more up in arms than normal.

You see, dear readers, over the last few weeks, some liberal hackers have been sabotaging FOX's on-screen graphics. Following the start of the Mark Foley scandal, Bill O'Reilly (a personal hero of mine), showed a picture of Foley which identified him as "Mark Foley (D-FL)." Well, as it turns out, Foley actually claims to be a Republican, despite all of his actions being in line with liberal Democrats. Then, this week, when a poll showed Sheldon Whitehouse to be leading Lincoln Chafee in the Rhode Island Senate campaign, 50-39%, Fox identified the Democrat, Whitehouse, as a Republican, and Chafee, the Republican, as a Democrat. And the west-coast, liberal elite claim bias. Please.

These liberal conspiracy-mongerers believe Fox is trying to spin good news to favor Republicans, and bad news to be associated with Democrats. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have rarely heard anything so ridiculous. The most logical explanation of this is that the west-coast, liberal elite, blogosphere nerds hacked into FOX's control center and sabotaged their graphics. Rupert Murdoch would never allow his own employees to engage in politically-motivated bias. It just wouldn't happen.

Liberal hackers sabotaging FOX News, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thank You, Alaskans!

Dear Readers,

Jack X deserves all the credit for this post, as he pointed my nose in the direction of this story. Anyway, we all know that Hugo Chavez is a typical America-hating liberal. For some reason, his little banana republic offers free oil to poor Americans each winter. Thankfully, some real Americans are deciding they'd rather freeze than accept oil from this demon. And I salute them.

These Alaskans demonstrate everything that's right with America. We need more Americans to put patriotism above their health. Don't expect this to come from liberals, though. Only real Americans could make such a sacrifice. And to all of them, I am grateful.

Freezing, oil-declining Alaskans, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Freedom will Soon March Again!

Dear Readers,

As you are no doubt aware by now, North Korea claims to have tested a nuclear weapon. Obviously, having a nuclear weapon in the hands of a mad man threatens our freedom. Worse, even, is the prospect of such a weapon being sold to terrorists. Keeping our country safe can only mean one thing - Cuba, we're coming for you.

Dear readers, when we were attacked on 9/11, the logical response was to attack Afghanistan. After doing this with a minimal effort, after giving Bin Laden a one-month head start, we shifted our attention to Iraq. Well, now we'll give North Korea a little shock and awe and then take out those commies in Cuba, once and for all. We have to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here.

Raul Castro, I know you're sitting in for your brother, but it's all about to come to an end. Not even a spider hole will save you. Cuba, you're about to taste freedom, at the end of a smoking M-16 barrel. You can thank Kim Jong-Il for that.

Cuban commies, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

And Not a Moment Too Soon

Dear Readers,

This summer, our safety was undermined by the Supreme Court's liberal activist decision in Hamdan. The attorney for this terrorist has been worshipped as a hero by the west-coast, liberal elite, rule of law mongerers. This attorney, Lieutenant Commander Charles Swift, sought to ensure that we would have to fight them here rather than fighting them there. It was a sad day for our legal system.

In a stroke of good luck for our national safety, this terrorist coddler has been forced out of the Navy. Thankfully, we no longer have to deal with at least one America hating lawyer. One down, one liberal activist Court to go.

Mr. Swift, I know the liberals celebrate your treason. So, go march with them as they lose another election. The GOP is the party of moral values and national safety. You and the other liberals will just continue to be whining losers, even as you fabricate more "Foleygates" to make it look like the GOP is incompetent. Have fun with your ilk.

Mr. Swift, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

You Tell 'Em, Rush!

Dear Readers,

It will come as no shock to you that one of my personal heroes is Rush Limbaugh, the master of truth and smackin' down liberals. Aside from always being factually accurate and never being hypocritical at all, he also routinely suggests ways for us to save our country and provides methods to accomplish this. This week, he came up with just such a gem:

"I want a list about sexual preferences, too, and I want a list for every liberal in the House of Representatives. And it's very simple. Do you prefer the missionary style, or do you want the woman on top? And I'll tell you why I ask. Because missionary is active male. Woman on top is passive male, and we're at war, and we need active males. We need alpha males. We don't need a bunch of passive people directing our war effort. We need active males. What is your preference, liberal Democrats? I want a list."

What could be more vital to our national security than the preferred sexual positions of Democratic Representatives? And I'm also glad that Rush doesn't consider that female on top could show an active female; no, only active males can provide real leadership. Everyone knows that Americans invented and perfected the missionary position, and anything else is unAmerican and - to be more frank - just no fun. Men: if you dislike the missionary position, you hate America and, subsequently, want to coddle the terrorists.

Men who prefer woman on top, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Our National Nightmare

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, a very presumptuous America-hating liberal suggested the death of America. West-coast, liberal elite, House minority leader, Nancy "I hate America and prefer to coddle the terrorists" Pelosi predicted what she and the Democrats would do in the first 100 hours after winning back Congress next month, IF that happened. And what a nightmare it would be. Her plans are:

Day One: Put new rules in place to "break the link between lobbyists and legislation."

Day Two: Enact all the recommendations made by the commission that investigated the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Time remaining until 100 hours: Raise the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour, maybe in one step. Cut the interest rate on student loans in half. Allow the government to negotiate directly with the pharmaceutical companies for lower drug prices for Medicare patients.

Broaden the types of stem cell research allowed with federal funds _ "I hope with a veto-proof majority," she added in an Associated Press interview Thursday.

All the days after that: "Pay as you go," meaning no increasing the deficit, whether the issue is middle class tax relief, health care or some other priority.

Pelosi said the Democrats would have to "drain the swamp" after a decade of GOP rule. Whatever that means. I guess she means they would have to get rid of moral values, financial responsibility, and a desire to keep our country safe, all benchmarks of the Republican platform. Naturally, the west-coast, liberal elite hate these values. And our country would feel the ramifications if this came to fruition.

We can't let this happen. Vote Republican, early and often, and keep the Dems away from the polls.

Nancy Pelosi, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 10/5/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Straight to the mailbag.

Sharon writes:

Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., did you see Speaker Hastert's speech today? How noble was it for him to take responsibility?

Sharon, great question. Of course I saw it, and it brought a tear to my eye. In the light of a huge scandal, this man stood up and said "the buck stops here," and it only took him a week to do it! Now that's virtue.

More importantly, he took responsibility for this, as any brave leader would. He only had to blame ABC, the former President, and George Soros in the process. What a shining example of leadership! He basically said, "Blame me, after you blame these other guys." Truly noble.

Thank you for your question, Sharon, and dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Get Your Questions In, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

Today, as all Thursdays, will be my opprotunity to answer your questions in "Thursdays with Theodore!" Email me any questions you may have on any topic: teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

That's My Boy, Nino Scalia!

Dear Readers,

I,Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have expressed my admiration for one of my heroes, Justice Antonin "Nino" Scalia many times. With the Supreme Court's new term, old Nino is back in action, telling 'em like it is. I've seldom been as proud.

During oral arguments yesterday, while a deported client's lawyer argued that his client, while in Mexico, faced possible deportation back to the United States if he violated his parole, Nino set him straight. Nino stared the lawyer down and said: "No one thinks your client is abstaining from tequila for fear of being deported." Naturally, although he only spoke the truth by assuming all Mexicans drink tequila, criticism from the west-coast, liberal elite, political correctness mongerers has reached a fever pitch.

It's no crime to drink tequila. In fact, it's one of the few things many Mexicans can do to put up with the constant influx of homosexual Uruguayans trying to cross our border. Nino simply stated a fact. Nothing could be more noble.

Justice Antonin Scalia, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Everything's Coming Up Roses!

Dear Readers,

The Foley scandal just keeps getting better and better. Now that more and more conservatives are calling for Speaker Hastert to resign, including the conservative Washington Times, we get to show how committed we are to moral concerns! By having a public debate on this, we show our toughness on smut. We're the party of faith and values; the Dems are the party of cut and run.

You see, dear readers, old Teddy in no way condones either illicit activities with a minor or between two people who both have a Y-chromosome. But by forcing Foley out, we show our moral standing. Never mind the year of cover-ups and ignorance of the scandal; we're fighting now, and we're showing that we're not a party that sheepishly follows some talking points. We don't flip flop.

What does all of this mean? We're going to pick up seats next month. The Dems predict they'll take back at least the House; I say we add to our advantage. We're looking at a 60-40 Republican Senate, at least! Celebrate good times, dear readers.

Republican leaders showing your toughness through internal debates right now, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Support Our Troops and Our Yellow Ribbon Magnet Industry

Dear Readers,

Take this little ditty to heart. Support our troops and make sure you show it by sticking as many ribbon magnets as possible on your F-250, too!



-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Wonderful Time to be a Republican!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., thank you for your patience during a rather busy time for old Teddy. I'm back in action and more committed to you now than ever!

And what a great time it is to be a Republican! The resignation last Friday of Representative Mark Foley has shown how strong our party truly is. Rather than tolerate unethical behavior, we attack it as soon as we can - when the press is asking our party leaders why they hadn't done anything in the year that they knew about these improper activities. This prompt attention shows the truly highly ethical standards of our party, and this can only help us in the upcoming elections!

Now the west-coast, liberal elite, law mongerers like to point out that Foley was a co-chair of the Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus, and that a year of inaction by GOP leaders undermines the party's moral standing. More importantly, they point to Speaker Dennis Hastert's knowledge of the scandal and subsequent inactivity, and even like to point up such trivial things as Hastert touting on his website his work to combat child exploitation, which was promptly taken down this weekend. Leave it to the liberals to make a non-issue into a three-ring circus.

Moreover, the Communist News Network, betraying its liberal bias, is even running a story entitled: "Could Foley's Follies Hurt the GOP?" I mean, please! The only way they could be more liberal is to come out and say, like the other liberals, that this will hurt the GOP. By only questioning this, rather than explicitly stating it, they only give away they're true, inherent liberal hatred, that ever so common trait of libs. I'll give you a quick answer, CNN: No. This will help us cruise through November!

Republican party leaders, thank you for protecting the children - who are our future - and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.