A Note to You, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be traveling over the next few days. I will try my best to post, but it may be a few days. Therefore, so as not to continually disappoint you if you keep checking back for it, this week's "Thursdays with Theodore" will have to be cancelled, but this service will resume next week.

Dear readers, best wishes for a wonderful next few days for you. God bless.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Round Two

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., hope that you and your families had a wonderful Christmas. Together, Teddy's Troopers and I fought the seculofascists and helped to turn the tide in their war to take Christ out of Christmas, and I thank each and every one of you for this. Predictably, though, the seculofascists have turned their west-coast, liberal elite, liberal focus to a new target: New Year's.

You see, dear readers, New Year's is a celebration of the turn of the calendar. While I'm no papist, we must recall that back when the Gregorian calendar was invented, Catholicism was the primary game in town in turns of Christianity. Because of its religious heritage, the west-coast, liberal elite are out to end the celebration of the New Year. And who's to stop them? That's right: old Teddy and Teddy's troopers.

Dear Readers, when you hear the ACLU and their followers advocating an end to New Year's Eve and New Year's celebrations over the next few days due to the religious undertones of the New Year, stand up to them. Remind them that this is a nation built on Christianity. Only we can stop these secular progressives, and stop them we will!

Teddy's troopers, please notify me if you find a business refusing to celebrate the New Year. We'll get a new boycott list going to make sure these heathens recognize that our Christian nation must be saved and not surrendered to the terrorists.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Merry Christmas!

Dear Readers,

A very Merry Christmas to all of you! And, to our Jewish friends, Happy Hannukah!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Our Final Push

Dear Readers,

It's that time of year again. We're down to the last weekend before Christmas, and the seculofascists are out to take the "Christ" out of "Christmas" forever. Luckily, though, Teddy's Troopers are much stronger. I offer tonight the final list of businesses, movies, and printed publications to boycott this weekend, to really hit these anti-Christian and anti-American businesses where it hurts on such a busy shopping weekend.

As you will notice, we have unfortunately seen a previously celebrated business revert to its old form. Wal-Mart, which was supposed to be back to celebrating Christmas again this year, has gone back to its seculofascist ways, as old Teddy was in Wal-Mart this week and not one employee wished me a Merry Christmas!. No big deal, though, because Teddy's Troopers will make them feel it this weekend!

Dear readers, the businesses/services/events/publications you should boycott this weekend are:

Target
ABC
Acadian Ambulance
Acuvue Contacts
Albert's Sand-Blasting
Albertson's
Apocalypto (movie)
Arby's
Avis
Avon
Baskin Robbins
Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport
Best Buy
Bill's CV Joints and Boots
BP
Budget Car Rental
Burger King
CBS
Celebration Station
Celebrex
Charlotte's Web (movie)
Circuit City
Citgo (b/c of Chavez)
Colgate
CompUSA
Cox Communications
Crest
CVS Pharmacy
David's Tire Re-Treading Service
Dillard's
Dollar General
Enterprise Rent-A-Car
The Facebook
General Electric
Goodyear
Happy Feet (movie)
Hertz
Hobby Lobby
Indianapolis International Airport
Insight Communications
JC Penney's
Jewel
Kinko's
Lens Crafters
Lipitor
Macy's
McDonald's
Kim's Nails
Los Angeles Times
Kroger
Memphis International Airport
Monistat
NBC
New York Times
Office Depot
Office Max
Osco
Osh Kosh-B'Gosh
Pat's Family Restaurant
Pay-Day Loan Service
Penske
Piccadilly
Rite-Aid
Sam's Club
Sears
Shell
Staples
Starbucks
Subway
Taco Bell
Tampax
TCBY
Texaco
The Nation (magazine)
Trojan
Victoria's Secret
Walgreens
Wal-Mart
Westinghouse

Dear Teddy's Troopers, if anyone associated with any of these businesses, groups, or films does wish you a Merry Christmas or decorates for Christmas, please let old Teddy know, and I'll scratch them off of the list. But Target will absolutely not come off of the list - I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will take down these commie seculofascists if it's the last thing I do!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 12/21/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to the mailbag...

Jack X writes:

Judging by the annual War on Christmas, do you think businesses are doing better or worse by "combating" this war?

I mean, do you think the political correctness with the season has been better or worse than in years past?

Jack, that one is easy: much, much worse. I have yet to see a nativity scene displayed in or around a business. All I see are snowflakes, and snowmen. The secular progressives are winning, but we're working hard to turn the tide. Teddy's Troopers are truly changing the world.

Jack X also writes:

Also, do you know of any good patriotic Christmas songs/carols? Just curious.

Jack, since we are a nation built on Christianity, all true Christmas songs are also patriotic. If you hear an edit to "happy holidays" or "season's greetings," then it's anti-American. Otherwise, you're good to go.

Dear readers, Merry Christmas! And, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Color Me Shocked, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

As you can tell, old Teddy has been under attack by the west-coast, liberal elite in the blogosphere for the past day or so. Once again, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., say bring it on! Willington is now in on it too. Anyone surprised?

Last night, I posted that these liberals wanted to censor me, and one of them said this was ridiculous. Today, I went to post a comment on that blog and - hold on to your seats, dear readers - that blog requires moderator approval for comments to be posted! Leave it to the libs to enforce the iron curtain of censorship.

Nevertheless, you can enjoy their ridiculousness whenever you want. Make sure to check out old roger's comment - he implies that old Teddy is stupid, then he goes on to butcher the spelling of a word as simple as "digit" and mangles the rules of grammar, in general.

The War on Christmas was meant to save Christmas. Now, we're in the process of destroying the liberals, too!

Commie blog censors, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Update: My comment was posted. I tip my cap to the mods for not censoring out my words.

The Liberal Blogosphere is Out to Censor Old Teddy!

Dear Readers,

Daily, or as close to it as possible, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., share news of the utmost importance with all of you and I guide each of you in becoming real Americans who will fight the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first crowd. Naturally, these liberals fear my power. Try as they might, I ultimately tear down all of their liberal arguments with the truth.

Now, though, they're getting desperate! They want to censor old Teddy! Leave it to liberals to take out the name-calling and obscenity, calling me a "fanatic."

To quote our divinely-inspired President, "Bring it On!" Send me your comments. In fact, tomorrow is a new episode of "Thursdays with Theodore," so send all of your questions and observations to me at teddytrumbles@blogspot.com.

Dear readers, if loving America and songs about boots up asses is wrong, then you know that old Teddy doesn't want to be right! As always, dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

'Tis the Season

Dear Readers,

It's that time of year again - time to fight to the death to keep "Christ" in "Christmas." Teddy's Troopers have been boycotting a number of businesses that support the secular progressive agenda to end all religion. And the list continues to grow. The updated list is as follows:

Target
Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport
Best Buy
Dillard's
Indianapolis International Airport
JC Penney's
Memphis International Airport
Staples
Subway
Citgo (b/c of Chavez)

Troopers, get out there and boycott these heathens. Thank you for loving Jesus and America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

New Idea for Survivor

Dear Readers,

With the Communist Broadcasting System's hit "Survivor" about to enter its 14th season, the show needs a new twist so as to allow real Americans to somehow connect. My idea is "Survivor: Real America." For this show, 16 bleeding heart, west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first liberals will be dropped off in the Bible Belt with nothing but the clothes on their back. That's where the fun begins.

You see, dear readers, these liberals will have to do something that goes against their San Francisco values - they'll have to find a job and work to earn an honest living! Naturally, they'll be unable to continue. Watching them starve and squirm while looking for a handout will be television gold. Mark Burnett, are you listening?

Just make sure to put Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., in the credits!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 12/14/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's "Thursdays with Theodore!" Thank you for your patience with this being a day late. On to the mail.

Maggie writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

With the Christmas season upon us, what should wives buy their husbands in order to show them the respect and honor mandated in the Bible?

~Maggie

Maggie, thank you for the question, and thank you for recognizing that this is the CHRISTMAS season. First of all, if you want your husband to smell great, make sure to get him some of the new Daytona 500 cologne:



Secondly, I advise some KFC gift cards. That way, he can load up on some Famous Bowls and really build a manly physique to drive you wild.

Finally, you really should go ahead and get him some Daytona 500 tickets. What could be better?

And don't forget to doll yourself up on Christmas morning for him!

Maggie, and my other dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Begging Your Patience, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

This week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore" is going to have to be pushed back to Friday. I'll answer any or all of your questions on Friday. Just send them to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Thank you for understanding, dear readers, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thank You, Heisman Committee!

Dear Readers,

This past weekend was, to say the least, quite refreshing. All of you who follow college football know that the Heisman Trophy was awarded on Saturday. It was supposed to be a two-horse race, between a Notre Dame papist quarterback and an Ohio State quarterback. Luckily, it wasn't that close.

The Committee was prescient enough not to award the papist. To hammer home the point, the papist finished third! No sir, the award went to the quarterback of a school in a true red state, Troy Smith of Ohio State. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., applaud the Heisman Committee for giving this award to a real American.

And who better embodies what a student-athlete should be than Troy Smith? Just two years ago, he was caught accepting $5,000 from a booster. But he's persevered by playing with the most talented team in the country. Talk about overcoming adversity! He's everything we should want our young people to be.

Heisman Committee, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

For Anyone on Your List

Dear Readers,

With the Christmas shopping season coming to a close soon, you may have some doubts as to what to get some people on your list. Fear not, folks, the good people at Sears have you covered. Who wouldn't want this item?



Dear readers, buy all of those real Americans on your list this 1:6 scale image of our divinely-inspired President in his most heroic pose to date! Alternatively, you know what you can get old Teddy for Christmas!

Sears, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, episode 12/7/06

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" On to the questions:

In reference to the resignation of Jon Bolton, eyechan writes:

Tis very sad indeed to see such a fine man step down from such an important post.

The question now is, who will replace him?

Great question, eyechan. The answer is very simple, though. Who do we need to send to the U.N. to help us regain our position in light of the world's perception that the Iraq War is not going as swimmingly as it actually is? Who's available for this? One man is head and shoulders above the rest:



Rummy! Enough said.

eyechan, and other dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Et tu, Rum-e?

Dear Readers,

Recently, the New York Times revealed that the day before the election, former Secretary of Defense (and personal hero of mine) Donald Rumsfeld wrote a memo to our divinely-inspired President just before the November elections that said that things weren't going as swimmingly as previously thought in Iraq. Supposedly, Rummy said that we need some course correction. Supposedly, this article makes it look like only our divinely-inspired President is left stubbornly sticking to the original plan. Supposedly, the west-coast, liberal elite, liberal media types at the Times think real Americans believe them.

You see, dear readers, these liberals want to give the appearance of discord in the White House. They want to show W as some childish buffoon holding his breath and digging in his heels. We all know, though, that this isn't even close to true. He's The Decider, and when he makes his mind up, he's going to follow through, no matter what evidence becomes available to suggest he should do otherwise. That's called courage, and I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will take courage any day of the week over wisdom.

Tricky liberal media, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

If We Give in, the Terrorists Win

Dear Readers,

Well, it's happened. Our bravest diplomat, John Bolton, is stepping down. Why, you ask? Because the terrorist-coddling, America-hating, west-coast, liberal elite whined so much that he realized his stepping down would be the only way for his beloved country to move forward.

Why is it that the liberals hate Mr. Bolton? Well, the west-coast, liberal elite, conservative-diplomat-haters suggested that it's somehow a bad thing for a U.N. diplomat to have suggested that the U.N. would be just as effective if a lot of the building/group was destroyed. Somehow, they believe it hurts America for an American diplomat to hate the group where he or she represents the U.S. In addition, Senate Republicans (these were, of course, liberal wolves in sheep's clothing) accused Bolton of being a jerk to his subordinates and a kiss-up to his superiors - in essence, not diplomatic.

In reality, Bolton was the perfect U.N. diplomat. Since the U.S. is the strongest nation in the world, we needed someone to slap around our inferior nations there. It's a shame the liberals have force him out. Our freedom has taken a hit today. The terrorist-coddling liberals have won this round.

Mr. Bolton, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Forced to Applaud the Papists Yet Again...

Dear Readers,

The papists are slightly growing on me. Two conservative Italian lawmakers (they're papists, but conservatives, so not too bad) have called for a boycott of IKEA because IKEA doesn't sell Nativity scenes. The War Against Christmas has spread around the world, dear readers, but brave conservatives are fighting battles that really matter, such as a boycott of IKEA. Never mind that IKEA, a Swedish company, simply doesn't sell these items, as it's not a Swedish custom to display Nativity scenes. By refusing to specially sell them in Italy, they have shown an ACLU-esque hatred of God. So, to these conservative papist senators, fighting the good fight, I tip my red, white, and blue cap.

Dear readers, this is part of the larger seculofascist fight for a pro-atheist and pagan world. They don't just want to remove Christianity from the public sphere; they wish to eliminate it altogether. Have no fear though, dear readers. While they were strong, we are stronger, and with old Teddy at the helm, this is a battle we will not lose!

Conservative Italian lawmakers calling for a boycott of IKEA, thank you for loving Jesus and America!