Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 5/31/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to the mail bag...

Carla writes:

Dear Mr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What do you think about Justice Scalia's daughter getting sentenced to probation today?

~~~Carla


Carla, thanks for the question. It is true that, today, some liberal activist judge in Wheaton, Illinois - a noted liberal hotbed - sentenced Ms. Banaszewski to 18 months of probation. Both sides say it was fair, but I say that this is ridiculous. This is a travesty of justice. Some liberal activist judge just wanted to take a shot at Nino, a strict constructionist and defender of the Constitution. By going after his family, they think they can take Nino down.

I don't mean to speak for him, but I'm sure Nino would say: "Bring it on!"

Dear readers, and Justice Scalia, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Straight Talk Express is Pickin' Up More Steam!

Dear Readers,

John McCain just keeps looking better and better. Today, Fred Thompson started his exploratory committee to examine whether or not he'll run. Well, old Teddy sure hopes that he'll run - he'll make John McCain more electable than he is even now!

Folks, there's no way that America would ever elect a sickly, extremely old Republican with little political experience and a mediocre acting career. That could never happen. Not in a million years. McCain is going to keep on rollin'!

Dear Fred Thompson, thank you for helping America to elect John McCain!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

You Tell 'Em, Wolfie!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have never hid my admiration for Paul Wolfowitz. From his brilliant Iraq War plan, to his adept management of the World Bank, this man has been there and done that. He's a true patriot, but more importantly, a true humanitarian.

Recently, the west-coast, liberal elite, liberal media has raised a big stink over Wolfie's management of the World Bank and his use of his position to get a massive raise for his girlfriend. The liberal conspiracy-mongerers like to make a big stink about how what he did was supposedly unethical. In reality, though, he was just trying to help out the less fortunate (i.e., his girlfriend). But, God forbid the liberal hypocrites accept the fact that he was trying to advance the place of women in the workplace.

Well, Wolfie has finally realized who is to blame for all of this: the media. That's right. The media did all of this. Media, have you know shame? This is the face of the innocent victim whose life you have ruined:



Liberal media, how do you sleep at night?

Paul Wolfowitz, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Happy Memorial Day, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

I know I hinted the other day at some tremendous Memorial Day exploits to come, but as I've thought about it more, this just isn't the right time. Memorial Day is a somber time to remember the sacrifices of those who died for us. And so, on this day, I offer my gratitude and my condolences for all of those brave men and women who died in the service of our country, as well as to their families.

My days to stick it to the liberals and show my patriotism will be Flag Day and the Fourth of July. Be on the lookout on some tales from those days! But, dear readers, I hope you'll understand that today just isn't right for that.

Dear veterans and fallen soldiers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Freedom Isn't Free, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

As we enter this Memorial Day weekend, keep in mind the reason for this 3-day weekend/season. Freedom isn't free, folks.



I'll be reporting on my Memorial Day exploits over the next few days. Have a great weekend, dear readers!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Our Long National Nightmare is Over!

Dear Readers,

Free at last, free at last! We are finally rid of our long national nightmare of having Rosie O'Donnell on "The View"! What a major victory! No longer will she be able to share her opinion and have it beamed directly into our homes.

Folks, this is big news. This is something that matters. Forget the war, forget rising gas prices. Rosie's gone! Celebrate good times, dear readers!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 5/24/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mailbag . . .

T.J. writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What the hell is up with the new Russ Feingold (D-Islamofascistan) widget on your side bar?


T.J. in Tennessee


T.J., thanks for the question! I don't know what happened. Some liberal, like Willington, or war-hater (and, by extension, freedom-hater) hacked into my site. I can't get the code out of my template, so I had to put a warning in the title of that section. I apologize to my readers for such America-hating filth, but I will remedy this as soon as possible!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

This week is, of course, a very special time for all of us here at "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks" Let's make tomorrow's "Thursdays with Theodore!" the best ever. Be sure to get your questions in at teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

We Did It!

Dear Readers,

Today, the west-coast, liberal elite, terrorist-coddling Dems backed down from their staring contest with our divinely-inspired President and submitted a war-funding bill with no surrender date! For once, I salute the Dems - they did the people's bidding, as Congress should do - for listening to the 30% of the American people who want to continue fighting the islamofascists with no change to our present strategy!

Folks, this is great news. Our friendly Vice President recently (two years ago) said that the insurgency was in its final throes! By staying the course, we can make as much progress over the next two years as we have in these past two!

Dear readers, celebrate freedom! We're going to keep fighting them over there rather than fighting them over here!

Dear W, and (yes, I can't believe I'm saying this either) Democrats, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

It Just Keeps Getting Better!

Dear Readers,

Check this out: "Gas prices: Worse than '81 oil shock"! That's right, dear readers - our economy is about to be the best it's ever been! If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: a rising tide of Big Oil profits raises all boats!

Dear readers, what a week to celebrate. First, the one-year anniversary of "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks." Now, an economy that is about to knock your socks off! Dear readers, make sure to raise your glasses high - what a time to party!

Dear readers - and Big Oil - thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Momentous Occasion, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., mentioned yesterday that today was a momentous occasion. It is that, and much, much more!

You see, dear readers, "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks" came into existence one year ago today, on May 20, 2006!



Since then, old Teddy has been exposing the hypocrisy of the west-coast, liberal elite, and celebrating the love of America that I share with true patriots. And that won't be changing any time soon!



What will be coming in the year ahead? Well, dear readers, "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks" will just keep getting bigger and better. But even I can't do it alone. That's why I wish to thank all of my friends and my devoted readers and contributors over the past year. Today is as much a celebration of all of you as it is of just me! So, to all of you I say thank you for joining me in my quest to impose conservative values on America and the world so that we can party like it's 1899!



Dear readers, thank you for loving "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks," and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Big Weekend, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow marks a huge milestone for "The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks!" Don't miss it!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America (unlike Ron Paul)!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Seriously? This guy? Ron Paul? For real?

Dear Readers,

Our old friend, Jack X, is a big Ron Paul supporter. Unfortunately, Ron Paul hates America. He would rather that we have to fight them here than fight them over there. He doesn't realize that they hate us for our freedoms.

Check this out:



This is supposedly a Republican, yet he's against the war! This is just another member of the west-coast, liberal elite, in sheep's clothing. What a misguided soul.

As our divinely-inspired President and, especially, our cheerful Vice President would say, opposition to the war is unpatriotic. Ron Paul, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 5/17/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mailbag!

Jack X writes:

ok, another question, Ted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQYIHQvhIk0

What do you think of Mrs. Clinton's singing and minor butchering of the national anthem?

Cheers,
Jack X


Jack X, thanks so much for the question. The problem with Hillary is that she's a member of the west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first crowd. She's liberal, liberal, liberal (even though she's a moderate). She wants to party like it's 1917 (if you get the Communism hint here). I think the fact that she is allowed to sing our national anthem is a travesty, no matter how she performs it.

I'm sure someone who loves America, like Dennis Hastert, would really knock this out of the park.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

That's Not Straight-Talkin'

Dear Readers,

Ol' Rudy is really digging himself a hole. He's tip-toeing around on the issue of abortion, trying to please anyone and everyone. Everybody knows, that, that Rudy is a baby killer, and he's going to hell. Ol' Rudy is just another member of the west-coast, liberal elite, babykillofascists.

What is the solution to this dilemma? A man of courage. A man of conviction, no matter what the evidence tells him. A man who jokes about bombing Iran and setting IED's under the desks of talk show hosts. A man for all seasons, who will go whichever way the wind is blowing, but is at least not as surreptitious about it as Ol' Rudy. What do we need?



John McCain, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 5/10/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mailbag...

Zack writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What do you think this summer holds for us in terms of weather, considering global warming and all?

Best,

Zack


Zack, thanks for the question. I think it's going to be a great summer. A few extra degrees from this mythical "global warming" will help with my tan. I'll just make sure to have my sleeveless shirts ready!

Ladies, look out!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Raise that Threat Level a Notch, Mr. Chertoff - We're Under Attack

Dear Readers,

Today, a dastardly terror plot was foiled. Six Islamofascists who wanted to kill soldiers in New Jersey at Fort Dix were arrested. These terrorists were cunning - they planned to infiltrate the base as pizza delivery men. They also recorded their preparations and brought the tape to a store to be transferred to a DVD. Luckily, we stopped these cretins just in the nick of time.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, fact-mongerers are arguing that these people were bumbling idiots incapable of carrying out their plot. They point to the fact that they brought the tape to the video store, that their training included paintball practice, and that their surveillance at the base came from one who delivered pizzas. Honestly, though, what do you expect from the terrorist-coddling Dems?

As an FBI agent put it best: "Today we dodged a bullet." Truer words have never been spoken!

Homeland Security, thank you for loving and protecting America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Celebrate Good Times, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have said it a million times: when Big Oil does well, we all do well! And guess what?!? Big Oil is doing well! Gas prices have hit a record high, so the stock market is taking off like rocket!

What does this mean for you, dear readers? First, you need to thank your lucky stars and pray for $4.00/gallon gas asap. Second, support Big Oil - drive some more. The more gas you buy, the more profits they make, and the more it trickles down to the poorest of the poor.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, free market-haters are up in arms. They claim that the poor can't afford this gas, and thus wouldn't be able to afford to drive back and forth to work. I say that's hogwash. They can make $7.25 an hour; paying half of that per gallon of gas still leaves them with over $3/hour for other necessities!

Raise your glasses high tonight for the patriots in charge of the oil companies!

Big oil, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Back for Good Now!

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy is back! Unfortunately, old Teddy got turned down AGAIN for military service. Apparently, they think old Teddy has a few circuits loose in the old noggin'. I'm really not sure what's going on. All I want to do is kill me some Islamofascists.

Fear not, dear readers. Blackwater will take ANYBODY. So, Teddy might get to kill some Islamofascists that way. We'll have to see.

But, Teddy is back to impart his wisdom upon you. And, in advance, you're welcome.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.