Et tu, Doctors?

Dear Readers,

As we all know, Gitmo is really just a day resort and spa. It's kept us safe for almost six years now by getting current relevant information from people who have had no contact with the outside world for an extended period of time. But now, the doctorazzi are out to undermine our security. What a shame.

You see, dear readers, some doctors have written that military doctors break their code of ethics when they force feed prisoners who are on hunger strikes. Do these doctors not realize we're at war? We're much better off fighting them there rather than fighting them here. Leave it to liberals to not realize this, though.

We need to keep these guests alive so we can procure information from them to keep us safe. I suppose the liberal medical community would prefer for us to be attacked again.

Doctors, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

He's Back!

Dear Readers,

My boy is back! The Straight Talk Express is rolling again!

Folks, I haven't been this excited since Dick spent a Saturday as President. The Maverick is back! And he's fighting th establishment this time by supporting the Iraq War. What a rebel!

There's clearly not much more to say than this: "I give you the next President of the United States, John McCain!"

Senator McCain, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 7/26/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag . . .

Constance writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

Where have you been?

~Constance

Constance, that's a great question, and a very timely one as well. Old Teddy has moved to a new abode this week, so I've been a bit busy/exhausted/off of the internet tubes. But once I have a chance to rest, I'll be back and better than ever!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Weekend!

Dear Readers,

First, before I say anything else, thank goodness that our divinely-inspired President's colonoscopy yielded nothing more than some benign polyps. More importantly, though, we got to experience a few hours of Dick Cheney as P.O.T.U.S. Folks, I could hardly contain myself. What's the only thing that could be as good as W as Commander-in-Chief? Dick!

Dear readers, few people are as cordial and gentlemanly as Dick Cheney. Imagine how great of a job Dick could do if he one day got a shot at the Presidency. He'd have the Middle East smoldering and ready to receive Democracy seeds before anyone would even realize it!

Therefore, before anyone else can do it, I hereby officially launch the "Draft Dick" campaign! Join me in helping to Draft Dick!

Future President Duck Cheney, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 7/19/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the old mail bag . . .

Marilyn writes:

Are you concerned about the financial troubles of the McCain campaign?

~~Marilyn

Marilyn, thanks for the letter. My answer: no. Folks, McCain has just invested his money to earn interest, so that he can have more money when it counts. That's all. The Straight Talk Express is still chuggin' along!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Another Stunt

Dear Readers,

No doubt, you're aware that the Democrats pulled a cheap political stunt last night. They kept the overworked Republican Senators up all night, trying to get them to give in on Iraq. Luckily, Mitch's boys didn't budge.

You see, dear readers, these Democrats, like Russ Feingold, think they're somehow HELPING the troops by bringing them home. In reality, they're hurting troop morale and undermining our mission. That's all they're doing, but they'll never admit it.

Folks, let's thank Sen. McConnell et al. for refusing to budge. The only way to improve the war is to stand resolute and avoid making any changes!

Senate Republicans and Joe Lieberman, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Only $660 million!?!?!

Dear Readers,

The Catholic Church recently offered and received approval of a $660 million settlement for past sexual transgressions by various priests in the dioceses of Los Angeles. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times - place papists amidst the west-coast, liberal elite, and bad things are inevitable. But real people were hurt here, which leaves me asking one question - only $660 million?

Folks, this is ridiculous. The papists have much deeper pockets than this. This is a slap in the face to the people these papist animals have hurt. The papists will never learn.

Catholic Church, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Guy!

Dear Readers,

Today, a true American, Senator David Vitter (R-Brothels), finally broke his silence. Last week he admitted to being a client of the DC Madam. Then, stories surfaced that he also frequented New Orleans whorehouses. For a week, he's been supporting family values in seclusion, but luckily for America - nay, mankind - he's finally speaking out.

And what has he said? He didn't visit any New Orleans whores! See, he's only HALF as bad as he seemed. So, all talk that he's somehow a hypocrite is just off base. He's a true American hero who simply made one mistake that directly defied his incessant pro-family platform. That's all. By only being a client of one madam, he's much better than he seemed just a week ago!

And don't forget, dear readers, that Bill Clinton got a blowjob.

Senator Vitter, thank you for loving families and America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Another Surrender-Crat

Dear Readers,

As you all know, the Democrats have been committing treason ever since our Glorious War to Liberate Iraq and Spread Democracy Throughout the Middle East Began in 2003. Nothing new there. Recently, some "Republicans" have joined them, suggesting that our Divinely-inspired President needs to change paths. Well, now we've got one from a new source - Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki.

Dear readers, how ungrateful can this man be? We've been doing nothing but improving his country by ensuring there are no WMD's and planting the seeds of democracy. But now, he's said that American troops can depart his country "anytime they want." Can you believe this? What a slap in the face to W!

Folks, there's only one possible response - we must step up our efforts in Iraq. We must show al-Maliki that we mean business, and he's no more powerful than the 70% of Americans who want us out of Iraq. Full steam ahead folks - time to "surge"!

Nuri al-Maliki, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 7/12/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag . . .

Jack X writes:

find out if there are any famous or infamous people in America who have the privilege of not worrying about wisdom teeth?

Jack, that's an easy one. Old Teddy ripped his wisdom teeth out years ago, so I don't have to worry about them at all! Famous enough for you?

Good luck with the surgery!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

That's My Boy!

Dear Readers,

Our divinely-inspired President has done it again! He's now ordered Harriet Miers not to testify before Congress! If there's one thing that W loves, it's the rule of law. So, by ordering Executive branch officials not to testify regarding potential wrongdoing by his branch, W has ensured that his branch can't be found to have violated the law. Talk about brilliant.

Folks, this is why W is clearly the right man to lead our country. Luckily, 1 out of every 4 Americans agrees with me! No matter what troubles we may face, he's going to confidently guide our ship through those stormy waters. What better way to avoid being found to have broken the law than to block all investigations into what you've done?

W, thank you for loving the rule of law and America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

This Situation is Clearly Different

Dear Readers,

One of our own is under attack. That's right - Senator David Vitter, a Republican and obviously one of the most virile men in America, is being accused by two different madams of paying money in return for sexual gratification. It's clear who is behind this.

That's right, this is all the work of the liberals. So, they'll point out that Mr. Vitter bought some prostitutes, but have you heard them bring up the fact that "President" Clinton had sex with a woman in the Oval Office over a decade ago? No, not once. The liberal media would rather focus on the more current story, that of a Republican - and one who has pushed for a Constitutional Amendment in support of traditional marriage - having extramarital sex.

Folks, we can't stand for this. Whenever you hear the media do this, make sure you call them and remind them and their viewers or listeners that a Democrat committed adultery just over a decade ago!

Senator Vitter, thank you for supporting traditional marriage!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Time for Celebration!

Dear Readers,

What a momentous occasion! On the one hand, this is our 300th post together! On the other hand, and much more importantly, today is our great country's birthday! Happy Birthday America!



What did I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., do today, you ask? Well, it was my normal holiday celebration. More importantly, though, I spent the day celebrating the commutation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's unconscionable sentence, and praying that our divinely-inspired President will pardon this hero. Just because he engaged in treasonous acts and then perjured himself and obstructed a federal investigation, that's no reason he should have to spend 30 months in the clink. Our Founders would have wanted him free to celebrate this great holiday - they'd want government officials to be forgiven by their buddies whenever they engage in federal crimes.

W, thank you for being a hero. Thank you for living up the example provided by our first President, another George W. This Fourth of July, we can thank our lucky stars that we have someone as ethical and as law-abiding as W in the White House!

W and Scooter, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.