Spreading the Good Word

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy is about to embark on a road trip to spread the good word of freedom throughout the country. Hopefully, I'll be coming to a soapbox near you! (Be on the lookout!)

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Time to Panic

Dear Readers,

I saw a truly terrifying sight yesterday. For the first time in several months, the price of unleaded gas has fallen under $3.00/gallon. I almost rolled my F-250 when I saw that. Folks, it's time to panic.

Dear readers, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: when Big Oil does well, we all do well. It's the rising economic tide that lifts all economic boats! So, when prices go down and their profits fall, we all lose. Every last one of us.

All we have left is to correct this problem on our own. Therefore, dear readers, get to your nearest gas station and implore the manager to raise the price to over $4.00/gallon. We have a job to do, dear readers. Let's make sure we don't fail!

Dear gas station owners who are lowering gas prices, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 6/21/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to the mail bag . . .

Mary Lou writes:

Dear Mr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

I'm getting married later this month. Any suggestions for a band for the reunion?

~~Mary Lou

Mary Lou, thanks for taking the time to write. If you can't get Toby Keith, I highly recommend these guys:



Enjoy the ceremony, and remember to honor and obey your husband like the Bible demands!

Jack X writes:

Between last year and this year, KFC seemed to improve the Famous Bowl by adding cream gravy and a biscuit. Assuming they take it off for the fall to improve it for the summer of 2008, what should they add to it to make it even better than it is now?

Jack X

Jack X, this one's easy - fried pork chops.

Jack X also writes:

Ok, I have a second question...

As you probably remember, "The Price is Right" (one of my favorite shows) ended its 35th season with Bob Barker's last show this past Friday, and he has said he wanted Rosie O'Donnell as a possible replacement for him. What do you think of this?

I'll tell you my opinion (of course, you probably know what I think) after you respond.

Jack X

Jack X, this is a brilliant and shrewd move by Barker. By putting some big gay slob on the show, it will only enhance his legacy. He might be old and potentially guilty of years of sexual harassment, but the gears are still turning up in that dome of his!


Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Strength and Honor

Dear Readers,

Today, our divinely-inspired President had the courage and foresight to veto a bill promoting stem cell research. Folks, this move took courage. Nearly 70% of Americans support stem cell research, as they want a cure for numerous tragic debilitating diseases. (As an aside, if evolution is real, wouldn't we just evolve to NOT have these diseases?) Ironically, 70% of Americans are also traitors who oppose the War against Islamofascism. Coincidence? I think not.

Folks, what we see here is W doing what he knows is right, no matter what the polls say. This is all the more admirable for someone who cannot run again for election. Mr. President, those of us who love America, love freedom, and love life, thank you! W, you never fail to amaze me!

Dear W, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Step Up for America!

Dear Readers,

We're counting on you. The petition still needs your signature. We have to secure our bunkers and sand traps in order to make sure that we're only fighting them there and not fighting them here. Freedom isn't free, and these colors don't run.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Take Back the U.S. (Open)

Dear Readers,

As promised, the petition is now up. Please sign at your earliest convenience and spread the word!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Just Another Example of the Need for Immigration Reform

Dear Readers,

Perhaps few games are as American as golf. And no golf tournament is as American as the U.S. Open. Typically, it's a tournament dominated by Americans. But, today, for the fourth year in a row, a non-American won the event.

That's right, folks. First, congrats to Angel Cabrera on his win. But, more importantly, this stands as a stark reminder of how our American traditions and values are under attack from all directions.

Therefore, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., hereby officially implore the USGA to restrict participation in next year's tournament to Americans only. I know this sounds like a severe change, but we need it. First, our golf tournament is taken over by foreigners. The logical next step is that Al Qaeda tries to fight us here. And we CANNOT allow this to happen.

Dear readers, a petition will soon follow. I hope you will assist me in this critical endeavor.

Foreign golfers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Happy Flag Day!

Dear Readers,

A Happiest of Happy Flag Day's to you and yours! I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., certainly hope that you celebrated this special occasion! Naturally, old Teddy showed his patriotism today. Here's a little recap:

The day began with my CD alarm clock blaring Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Old Teddy stumbled out of his star-spangled sheets, grabbed a cup o' joe (black coffee, folks, not some frou-frou, double half caf soy fresca frappucino), and had a bowl of Wheaties. A quick shower, and a light trim of the ol' moustache, and it was time to get dressed.

What was my attire, you ask? Everyone knows it starts with a solid foundation, so, naturally, I started with a fresh pair of tighty red, blue, and whiteys. I pulled up some cargo pocket jean shorts, and slipped on a patriotic, sleeveless Old Navy t-shirt. Finally, I put on my tube socks with American flags near the top, pulling them up only about halfway up my shins, before scrunching them down a bit. I finished up with my solid white Reebok high-tops, and it was time to hit the road.

Well, naturally, ol' Teddy fired up the F-250 with the patriotic paint job and the sticker across the rear window that proudly proclaims "Freedom isn't Free." While it was warming up, I attached my giant flags to the sides of the bed, and it was time to get rolling. What did I do this year to celebrate our flag?!?

Dear readers, old Teddy grabbed his phone book and looked for everyone with a non-Anglo sounding last name. I located the addresses, grabbed a map, and was off planting a flag in the yards of everyone of foreign nationality! At a time when immigration is a "hot-button" issue, so the liberal media says, it was time to let these non-original Americans know a few things about the Stars and Stripes. Mr. and Mrs. Wong of 275 N. Main Street, you're welcome!

But it didn't stop there, dear readers. The influx of homosexual Uruguayans over our Mexican border is a crisis of untold proportions (untold, at least, by the liberal media.) So, I found everyone in the phone book with an Hispanic last name, went to their homes, and built a wall across their front yards.

Well, I started to, anyway. I called a few bricklayers, but Pepe and Alejandro refused to do this for any amount of money. So, I got a few boards of a fence put up in one yard before the liberal cops came and threatened me if I didn't stop. That's right, despite my Second Amendment rights, these cops refused to let me protect me, my family, and my nation from the greatest threat in the history of the world!

But I made my point. Yes, Mr. Tancredo, I will do your bidding to the end of my days in order to keep us safe. Near the twentieth anniversary of President St. Reagan killing Communism by telling Gorby to tear down that wall, I tell Tom Tancredo, "Yes, future Mr. President, let's build up that border wall!"

Tired from a long day, it was time to come home, eat a Famous Bowl, and call it a day. I reverently folded up and stored my flags. Yes, it was a good day.

Dear fellow Americans, Happy Flag Day, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

One More Day!

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow's the big day! We're going to forego this week's "Thursdays with Theodore" so that I can report on my Flag Day activities. I hope to hear about yours, too!

Dear readers, thank you for loving our flag, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Any Fireworks Experts?

Dear Readers,

The planning for Thursday continues. Does anyone have enough expertise with fireworks to create a display high in the skies to recreate W landing on the aircraft carrier for the "Mission Accomplished" speech?

Please let me know.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

You Know What Time of Year it is, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

I apologize for being out of touch the last few days. Do keep in mind that Thursday of this week is Flag Day! What does that mean? Old Teddy is busy, busy, busy with planning! I'll be checking in with daily updates, and will give you a blow-by-blow account come Thursday.

Betsy Ross, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 6/7/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag...

Jack X writes:

Where I live, there are several KFC establishments; however, they are all relatively far from my house, so when I went on vacation, I was able to find one easily.

I remember how last year, you praised KFC's Famous Bowls, saying they perfectly represent America. I didn't get one because I didn't notice they had one until after I ordered my food.

Anyway, for my questions, if KFC went all "liberal" and made a "Liberal Famous Bowl," what ingredients would probably be in it (ie. if they chose food products grown in predominately liberal areas in America and elsewhere, which one would create an..."Infamous Bowl?"). Have fun with that question.

Jack X

Jack X, that's a great question. You are correct, as I have previously lauded the wonder that is the Famous Bowl. Now, they come with a biscuit, so they're even better and more manly!

Anyway, a "Liberal Famous Bowl" would have soy, tofu, edamame, free trade coffee, and probably some weed thrown in, I'd imagine, knowing those libs. It would be absolutely disgusting, of course, and would leave you hungrier than you were before you ate it. But common sense has never been a strong suit of the libs, has it?

Willington writes:

Teddy,

What do you think of the potential candidacy of Ray Nagin for Governor?

-Franklin Willington

Willington, you know what I think about this. We don't need some nut job making a "chocolate state." He has no leadership - he didn't control the flooding and devastation nearly as well as Rudy responded to devastation with a city block. Leave it to the libs to pull this one off though, with all of the liberal idiots running around Nagin's city.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Be Still, My Heart!

Dear Readers,

I haven't recovered yet from last night's Republican debate. Talk about some American heroes and God-fearing men up on that stage! I apologize, but I just can't post right now, as I'm riding a huge GOP-debate high!

Make sure to get in your questions for "Thursdays with Theodore!" at teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear GOP candidates, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Free Scooter!

Dear Readers,

A travesty of justice was committed today. Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in jail. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am outraged!

This great man was simply part of a scheme to out liberal undercover CIA agents, in order to make our country safer! And he's getting sent to jail? This is just another example of liberal activist judges undermining our national security and rolling out the red carpets for the Islamofascists. And liberty weeps.

Dear everyone involved in prosecuting and sentencing Scooter, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Question for You, Dear Readers - Please Respond

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy is thinking about selling some ad space on the blog to try to earn a little cash to help ends meet. Please leave comments to let me know whether you think this would detract from the blog or somehow turn you off from visiting the blog.

And, as always, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Color Me Shocked (Again!)

Dear Readers,

I'm used to the Hollywood crowd being a bunch of America-hating liberals. Nothing new there. But it seems that, lately, more and more musicians are getting in the mix. Take the new White Stripes song, "Icky Thump," for instance:



Now, ignoring those killer guitar riffs and the overall old-school, pulse-pounding rock involved, these liberal elites are calling us real Americans hypocrites for our immigration stance. All we want to do is keep our country safe and make sure our taxes go to help real Americans, not illegal thieves. Perhaps these musicians should learn to sing about the heartbreak involved in your wife leaving you, your dog dying, or your pickup breaking down.

Also, some of you may ask what I think about musicians who insert conservative politics in their songs. Well, I say these are true Americans who are trying to keep us safe, not a bunch of terrorist-coddlers like these White Stripes with their pro-Islamofascist rock-and-roll!

Dear readers who refuse to buy this album due to the message, despite how good the music is, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.