Happy Flag Day!
Dear Readers,
A Happiest of Happy Flag Day's to you and yours! I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., certainly hope that you celebrated this special occasion! Naturally, old Teddy showed his patriotism today. Here's a little recap:
The day began with my CD alarm clock blaring Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Old Teddy stumbled out of his star-spangled sheets, grabbed a cup o' joe (black coffee, folks, not some frou-frou, double half caf soy fresca frappucino), and had a bowl of Wheaties. A quick shower, and a light trim of the ol' moustache, and it was time to get dressed.
What was my attire, you ask? Everyone knows it starts with a solid foundation, so, naturally, I started with a fresh pair of tighty red, blue, and whiteys. I pulled up some cargo pocket jean shorts, and slipped on a patriotic, sleeveless Old Navy t-shirt. Finally, I put on my tube socks with American flags near the top, pulling them up only about halfway up my shins, before scrunching them down a bit. I finished up with my solid white Reebok high-tops, and it was time to hit the road.
Well, naturally, ol' Teddy fired up the F-250 with the patriotic paint job and the sticker across the rear window that proudly proclaims "Freedom isn't Free." While it was warming up, I attached my giant flags to the sides of the bed, and it was time to get rolling. What did I do this year to celebrate our flag?!?
Dear readers, old Teddy grabbed his phone book and looked for everyone with a non-Anglo sounding last name. I located the addresses, grabbed a map, and was off planting a flag in the yards of everyone of foreign nationality! At a time when immigration is a "hot-button" issue, so the liberal media says, it was time to let these non-original Americans know a few things about the Stars and Stripes. Mr. and Mrs. Wong of 275 N. Main Street, you're welcome!
But it didn't stop there, dear readers. The influx of homosexual Uruguayans over our Mexican border is a crisis of untold proportions (untold, at least, by the liberal media.) So, I found everyone in the phone book with an Hispanic last name, went to their homes, and built a wall across their front yards.
Well, I started to, anyway. I called a few bricklayers, but Pepe and Alejandro refused to do this for any amount of money. So, I got a few boards of a fence put up in one yard before the liberal cops came and threatened me if I didn't stop. That's right, despite my Second Amendment rights, these cops refused to let me protect me, my family, and my nation from the greatest threat in the history of the world!
But I made my point. Yes, Mr. Tancredo, I will do your bidding to the end of my days in order to keep us safe. Near the twentieth anniversary of President St. Reagan killing Communism by telling Gorby to tear down that wall, I tell Tom Tancredo, "Yes, future Mr. President, let's build up that border wall!"
Tired from a long day, it was time to come home, eat a Famous Bowl, and call it a day. I reverently folded up and stored my flags. Yes, it was a good day.
Dear fellow Americans, Happy Flag Day, and thank you for loving America!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
A Happiest of Happy Flag Day's to you and yours! I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., certainly hope that you celebrated this special occasion! Naturally, old Teddy showed his patriotism today. Here's a little recap:
The day began with my CD alarm clock blaring Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Old Teddy stumbled out of his star-spangled sheets, grabbed a cup o' joe (black coffee, folks, not some frou-frou, double half caf soy fresca frappucino), and had a bowl of Wheaties. A quick shower, and a light trim of the ol' moustache, and it was time to get dressed.
What was my attire, you ask? Everyone knows it starts with a solid foundation, so, naturally, I started with a fresh pair of tighty red, blue, and whiteys. I pulled up some cargo pocket jean shorts, and slipped on a patriotic, sleeveless Old Navy t-shirt. Finally, I put on my tube socks with American flags near the top, pulling them up only about halfway up my shins, before scrunching them down a bit. I finished up with my solid white Reebok high-tops, and it was time to hit the road.
Well, naturally, ol' Teddy fired up the F-250 with the patriotic paint job and the sticker across the rear window that proudly proclaims "Freedom isn't Free." While it was warming up, I attached my giant flags to the sides of the bed, and it was time to get rolling. What did I do this year to celebrate our flag?!?
Dear readers, old Teddy grabbed his phone book and looked for everyone with a non-Anglo sounding last name. I located the addresses, grabbed a map, and was off planting a flag in the yards of everyone of foreign nationality! At a time when immigration is a "hot-button" issue, so the liberal media says, it was time to let these non-original Americans know a few things about the Stars and Stripes. Mr. and Mrs. Wong of 275 N. Main Street, you're welcome!
But it didn't stop there, dear readers. The influx of homosexual Uruguayans over our Mexican border is a crisis of untold proportions (untold, at least, by the liberal media.) So, I found everyone in the phone book with an Hispanic last name, went to their homes, and built a wall across their front yards.
Well, I started to, anyway. I called a few bricklayers, but Pepe and Alejandro refused to do this for any amount of money. So, I got a few boards of a fence put up in one yard before the liberal cops came and threatened me if I didn't stop. That's right, despite my Second Amendment rights, these cops refused to let me protect me, my family, and my nation from the greatest threat in the history of the world!
But I made my point. Yes, Mr. Tancredo, I will do your bidding to the end of my days in order to keep us safe. Near the twentieth anniversary of President St. Reagan killing Communism by telling Gorby to tear down that wall, I tell Tom Tancredo, "Yes, future Mr. President, let's build up that border wall!"
Tired from a long day, it was time to come home, eat a Famous Bowl, and call it a day. I reverently folded up and stored my flags. Yes, it was a good day.
Dear fellow Americans, Happy Flag Day, and thank you for loving America!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
Labels: Betsy Ross, Border Fence, Famous Bowls, Flag Day, homosexual Uruguayans, Immigration, Mexico, Ronald Reagan, Tom Tancredo
posted by Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. at 8:42 PM
4 Comments:
Lee Greenwood music? Holy crap...Lee Greenwood is just too cheesy. You should have used "American Pie" by Don McClean. Otherwise, you should have just used the soundtrack to "Fahrenheit 9/11"--it would have been better than Greenwood.
Jack X
Jack X,
There ain't no doubt I love this land - God bless the USA!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
Sorry...I just think you could use a better song. Hell, I'd take "Let the Eagle Soar" by John Ashcroft over Lee Greenwood. You, out of all people, would probably consider it.
Jack X
Jack X,
On some days, "Let the Eagle Soar" would be preferable, but on Flag Day, it's all about "God Bless the USA!" Lee Greenwood gets my Flag Days off to a rockin' start, I must say!
-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.
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