Just Another Example of the Need for Immigration Reform

Dear Readers,

Perhaps few games are as American as golf. And no golf tournament is as American as the U.S. Open. Typically, it's a tournament dominated by Americans. But, today, for the fourth year in a row, a non-American won the event.

That's right, folks. First, congrats to Angel Cabrera on his win. But, more importantly, this stands as a stark reminder of how our American traditions and values are under attack from all directions.

Therefore, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., hereby officially implore the USGA to restrict participation in next year's tournament to Americans only. I know this sounds like a severe change, but we need it. First, our golf tournament is taken over by foreigners. The logical next step is that Al Qaeda tries to fight us here. And we CANNOT allow this to happen.

Dear readers, a petition will soon follow. I hope you will assist me in this critical endeavor.

Foreign golfers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.