Now, the Defeatocrats Have REALLY Done it!

Dear Readers,

The Defeatocrats have really done it this time. Old Teddy is so mad, he's fuming! Those terrorist-coddlers have passed a bill and sent it along to President Bush that both funds the troops and sets a timeline for bringing them home, a measure that the vast majority of Americans support. Real Americans, such as Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., however, heartily oppose this measure.

Why, you ask? Because we have to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here. 9/11 changed everything. Abandoning a futile war is pre-9/11 thinking. These colors don't run. We can't cut the military's momentum out from underneath them.

I know, dear readers, that the Defeatocrats' plan sounds enticing. Deep down, though, it's treasonous. That's right. I'm not scared to say it.

Defeatocrats and Republican turncoats, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Slight Pause in the Action, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy's brain is being measured and tested every which way. Hopefully, this time, the liberals will let old Teddy enlist to kill him some Islamofascists. In the meantime, however . . .

Dear readers, as much as I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., never thought I'd say this, the run-off in the French presidential election is very important. It pits a conservative versus a Socialist - i.e., good vs. evil. Naturally, we must pray to ensure that the conservative candidate wins, but, of course, we know that God won't let evil win. So, to the Commie, I say this - give up now, and save yourself some grief!

Also, while I'm at it, did anyone notice how well Alberto performed last week under the Democratic Inquisition? He made darn sure he didn't provide any controversial answers, being forthright enough to admit that he could not recall an answer a total of 71 times - talk about honest! Our divinely-inspired President has given him his blessing, and that's good enough for Old Teddy!

Dear readers, I will converse with you again soon. Until then, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Trying to Report for Duty

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy has once again sought to sign up to join the service, to help the boys fighting in the shit to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here. Over the course of the next week and a half, I'm going to be undergoing a series of grueling examinations, mostly on what's going on inside of my head. For whatever reason, the psychological exam has always been what's kept me out from being deemed fit for duty (I think it's a liberal conspiracy to keep me from killing all of the Islamofascists).

In short, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., will be posting intermittently, at best, for the next week and a half or so. Fear not, though, dear readers, for I will soon be back to share my wisdom with you!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 4/19/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag!

Our old friend Jack X writes:

A few questions:

Paper or plastic?

What's the best state to live in, and what is the worst?

and finally...

Why do you hate America?

Jack X

First, Jack, it has to be plastic. It's just easier to carry those bags with their incorporated handles. Plus, making plastic creates jobs - gotta love the market working!

The best state to live in would have to be Texas. The conservative culture and hero worship of our divinely-inspired President is all that old Teddy needs to convince him that Texas is clearly, undoubtedly numero uno. The worst state has to be California - despite a Republican Governator, that state is riddled with Hollywood and San Francisco values. Old Teddy wouldn't be able to spend more than five minutes in that state without getting sick.

And finally, Jack, it's well known that no one loves America more than old Teddy! I support our divinely-inspired President, I support our troops, I prefer to fight them there rather than fighting them here, and I support a strict contextual reading of the Constitution. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am clearly a true patriot.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

This evening, I will respond to any and all questions that you submit to me in this week's "Thursdays with Theodore!" Please email your questions to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

As always, dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Why Do the Dems Hate Our Troops?

Dear Readers,

It's no secret that the west-coast, liberal elite hate our troops and would prefer that we have to fight the islamofascists here rather than fighting them there. It's also well known that they have refused to fund the troops, and only the President and the Republicans support our troops and want funding for them. Never mind that the House and Senate have both passed funding bills to be sent to the President. And, never mind that our divinely-inspired President, by promising to veto, would actually be the one denying the funding. What's important here is that the Democrats, by refusing to comply with all of the President's demands, even though they're actually serving the will of the public, are the evil ones.

Therefore, we need a compromise. And by compromise, I mean that the Democrats need to give in to all of W's demands. Otherwise, they're the ones hating our troops because they'll be the ones trying to bring them home. We're fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here. If we leave, they'll follow us here. These colors don't run.

Democrats trying to fund our troops and bring them home, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Is it the Right Time?

Dear Readers,

The tragedy at Virginia Tech has revived the debate over gun control. More specifically, in the aftermath of the tragedy, the media has sought to revive this controversy.

Old Teddy spent most of the day formulating his wisdom on this topic, but once again, when it comes time to post, it's just not the right time. Maybe soon, but not yet.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What to Say, Dear Readers?

Dear Readers,

I planned a witty post, but in light of today's tragic events at Virginia Tech, it just doesn't feel right. Please keep all of those involved in your prayers.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 4/12/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag!

D. writes:

Dear Theodore,

Can you find me some work?

~D. Imus

Mr. Imus, I'm not sure what your line of work is. Could you fill me in a little more? I hear that our divinely-inspired President is looking for a War Czar. Are you a patriot? Do you love America? Would you rather fight them there than fight them here? If so, contact W - he's looking for you!

Are you a social conservative, by any chance? That would score you some big points if you were . . .

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Easter's Target - Also Target

Dear Readers,

Happy Easter! What a wonderful time of the year, and the greatest of our Christian holidays, too! Unfortunately, not all Americans recognize this.

Folks, as you know, America is a Christian country. If you don't realize this, look it up in the Bible. Anyway, as such, it's vital that our businesses, who participate in the free market that makes our country the greatest in the history of the world, recognize and remain mindful of this. Not all do, however.

During this last Christmas season, I warned all of you about the greatest threat our Christian nation faces in the market, Target. Well, they're back at it. I've been there numerous times over the past few weeks, and not once - not ONCE - was I wished "Happy Easter." Also, their store is all decorated with bunnies and eggs, but no mention of the real reason for the season. All I can say is that at least Target is consistent in ignoring the values upon which our country was founded.

The facade of evil:



Target, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 4/5/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag!

Ivan writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What do you think about today's story that Ford, which lost almost $13 billion in 2006, paid its CEO $28 million, including bonuses, for just 4 months of work?

Ivan


Ivan, that's a great question. This is just the market at work. Clearly, the market valued this man's services at $28 million. Otherwise, there's no way that Ford would have paid him this much. The free market - it's as American as baseball and apple pie!

Free market, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The War Against the War on Easter

Dear Readers,

It was bound to happen. The same liberoseculofascists who were out to take Christ out of Christmas are back, this time to take Christ out of Easter. They want to make sure there's no Easter bunny or Easter eggs, because that would just remind everyone that Christ died and rose from the dead, to save us. Well, as you may have surmised, old Teddy isn't going to take this lying down.

Folks, Teddy is calling all of Teddy's Troopers to fight the forces of seculoevil. If you go into a business and they either don't have their office decorated for Easter, or they don't wish you a Happy Easter, let me know, either in the comments or you can email me at teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Together, we'll win this.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Bump in the Road for the Straight Talk Express

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, a conservative threw his hat in to the ring for the Republican nomination for the Presidency. Tommy Thompson, a real conservative, is going to be a challenge for my boy, John McCain. He's accomplished, distinguished, conservative and - yes - quite photogenic:



In other words, this guy is the total package. If it wasn't for the fact that a real American is going to clean his clock, I'd throw my support behind Mr. Thompson.

Luckily, though, dear readers, there is a real American in the race, and that is Senator John McCain. The Straight Talk Express is rollin' on! McCain represents every American - literally, as he takes every side on numerous issues. Talk about speaking to the constituents!

This race is over. Let's just inaugurate him now - the next President of the United States, John McCain!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.