The Masses Thank You, W

Dear Readers,

As you know, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., was in New Orleans over the weekend. While there, I was able to interview the locals to see how grateful they are for our divinely-inspired President delivering on the promises he made about rebuilding the city following Hurricane Katrina. Here's a sample of the quotes I heard:

"[President] Bush has . . . carried through on his promises"

"That man has [never] lied"

"He can start a war we do . . . need, but he can . . . [also] rebuild this great city"

And folks, that's just a sampling. These people are nothing if not grateful. They recognize that our President is a man of his word. And there's nothing quite like a straight shooter.

W, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Christian and a Patriot

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, as old Teddy was being driven to the airport, a beautiful sight crossed my eyes. An old man and his wife were driving along next to us in a white, slightly beat-up Dodge Ram with a camper. Across the tailgate, this patriot had glued a large printing of the Ten Commandments. On the bug shield up front, he expressed his love for Jesus. Around the truck, he had more expressions of his Christianity.

More importantly, perhaps, on the back window, he had a large red circle with a slash through it. Behind this, he taped a big sign, on which he wrote by hand the name "Hillary." Talk about an American! He loves God and realizes the threat that that Commie Hillary poses! This man is a Teddy Trooper.

Old Teddy knows that the masses are hearing the word. And that's why we keep rolling on!

Dear man on the white Dodge Ram, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Impending Absence

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy is heading down to New Orleans over the weekend to do some interviews and poll the inhabitants over their love for George W. Bush, and their gratitude for him delivering on his promises to rebuild the city.

I'll be back soon to share my wisdom. Until then, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 2/22/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag!

Dear Mr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What do you think about this week's hostility between Hillary and Obama?

~~Jen


Jen, a wonderful question. This shows how divided the Democrats are. You don't see the Republican candidates fighting, do you? The Republicans are much more united heading into this election. Only Democrats would sling mud in an election. As always, Republicans will stay above the fray, until the Straight Talk Express parks at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Profiles in Cowardice - Tony Blair

Dear Readers,

You just can't trust the Brits. The British Prime Minister has decided to draw down the number of British forces in Iraq. Obviously, the British would rather that the U.S. have to fight the terrorists here than to help us fight them there. For shame, Mr. Blair.

Today's #1 cowardly appeaser:



Mr. Blair, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

All Aboard! The Straight Talk Express is Leaving the Station!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., must admit that I have a political man-crush on John McCain. Not in a homosexual way, mind you. It's just that his resolve and his convictions are so strong that, I must admit, I become a little emotional when I hear him talk.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, hypocrisy-mongerers like to point out that Mr. McCain is currently engaging in political flip-flopping, the likes of which we've only seen by his Republican challengers Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani. I say they couldn't be further from the truth. He has seen the light. And anyone who wants to top even the proposed troop surge, despite being repeatedly warned of how quixotic such a plan is, is strong in my book. That takes courage. That takes conviction. That takes a man worthy of being called "Mr. President."

Dear readers, have a look for yourself at the growing wisdom of John McCain! Old Teddy is on board the Straight Talk Express!

John McCain, future POTUS, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thank You For Loving America, Cargo Cultists!

Dear Readers,

I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have to thank Mrs. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., for pointing this out to me. The cargo cultists on the island of Tanna in Vanuatu, have a reverence for Old Glory and for America! They've been waiting for John Frum to return for decades now, and celebrate America as they wait. That's patriotism, folks.

These people who are not even from America love America more than the west-coast, liberal elite! That's why I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., propose that we deport our liberals to this island, both to learn a little about loving America and to get them out of our hair. Perhaps seeing a little patriotism would teach them to stop coddling the terrorists and to start supporting our divinely-inspired President.

Dear residents of Tanna island in Vanuatu, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Back in Action, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

This was yet another extremely busy week for old Teddy. I apologize for not enlightening you for so long. But I am back in action, and will be taking down the defeatocrats in no time flat!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Et tu, Pace-e?

Dear Readers,

Over the weekend, our government laid the groundwork for our upcoming war with Iraq. They showed that Iran is supporting the Iraqi insurgents. With this evidence, we now have our "16 words" to justify taking down Tehran! Once we tidy up Baghdad, it's just a hop, skip, and a jump over the border.

Yet some seem not to trust our divinely-inspired President to be truthful with us in trying to justify a war. They claim we were somehow lied to about Iraq. You know how the west-coast, liberal elite, truth-mongerers can be.

Now, however, even the Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Peter Pace is questioning the veracity of these claims. Doesn't he know that we're at war? Why is he undermining our troops? This is war - support the President, or get the hell out of dodge!

Gen. Pace, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 2/8/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag!

Peter writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What is your take on global warming and the more widespread acceptance of the phenomenon?

Peter, a great and timely question. All I have to say is this: if our planet is really warming, why did we have 5" of snow here on Tuesday, and why is today the first day we've made it above 20 degrees F in almost a week?

Enough said.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Hallelujah! He's Cured!

Dear Readers,

As you know, the gay meth scandal involving Ted Haggard rocked America late last fall, just before the elections, leading the west-coast, liberal elite to label conservative Americans as "hypocrites." Again, though, he didn't have gay sex, and he only bought the meth to throw it away, since methamphetamine is a nonrenewable resource! Now, however, we can finally put our long national nightmare behind us.

You see, dear readers, Rev. Haggard is now cured! That's right - he had a few weeks of conversations, and his sexual predilections are now gone. Poof! Instant-changeo! Since we know that sexual proclivity has no recidivism factor involved, he must be all straight now. It's a miracle!

Rev. Ted Haggard, thank you for undergoing this intense conversion. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., know it couldn't have been easy. But now you must be 100% straight. All I can say is this: look out ladies, Rev. Ted is on the prowl!



Ted Haggard, thank you for loving heterosexuality, and America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Profiles in Cowardice

Dear Readers,

Yesterday, I brought you news of two extremely courageous Senators, Senators Hagel and Warner. Today, I bring you news of a true coward, Senator Susan Collins of Maine. Whereas Sens. Hagel and Warner decided to vote against debating the resolution they had written, Sen. Collins had the audacity to be the lone Republican to cross party lines and want to debate our divinely-inspired President's troop escalation! Rather than blindly following her party, she had the nerve to want to debate an issue on which the majority of Americans disapprove of our President's handling. As if what a majority wants matters in a democracy . . .



Senator Collins, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Profiles in Courage

Dear Readers,

Today, the Republicans effectively filibustered a vote on the non-binding resolution denouncing our divinely-inspired President's plan to surge toward victory in Iraq with 21,000 more troops! What courage, what resolve! More impressive, even, is that two senators involved in crafting the resolution, Senators Warner and Hagel, voted against discussing their own resolution. Why, you ask? For love of the glorious Republican Party!

Last week, they believed in this so much that they wrote a resolution denouncing the plan of the President of their own party. Today, they decided sticking with the party is more important than their own convictions.





Senators Warner and Hagel, profiles in courage! Thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Another Great One Bites the Dust

Dear Readers,

Well, it's happened again. Another great leader in the Bush Administration has stepped down. Charles "Cully" Stimson, the deputy assistant director of defense for detainee affairs, has resigned. And why? Because he suggested that law firms that represent the people he is in charge of detaining should be blacklisted by U.S. businesses. Old Teddy has to ask, is that all?

Dear readers, these terrorists are guilty of terror. How do I know this without a trial, you ask? Because our divinely-inspired President told me so. In addition, Rush Limbaugh told me that Gitmo is just another Club Med. These terrorists, instead of being immediately executed, have a pretty good gig, being wined and dined by the U.S. Army, but still the libs whine.

You see, dear readers, what Mr. Stimson did, as a former lawyer, was not to suggest that the detainees have no legal recourse. No; he merely insinuated that law firms shouldn't represent them. That's all. Let these people defend themselves, whether they know English or not. Yet he faced the liberal backlash and has been forced out now. How sad.

Charles "Cully" Stimson, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 2/1/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another exciting edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Let's get to the mailbag.

Patricia writes,

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

Do you think the Boston officials overreacted to the terrorist attempt there yesterday?

Patricia, thank you for a great question. My answer is: no. These west-coast, liberal elite, hippy terrorist-wannabes sought to instill the same kind of fear that an overt terrorism attack would have. For that, they should be prosecuted.

Now, some argue that these advertisements were simply lite-brites, an old children's toys. Perhaps that is true, but how were these law enforcement officials to know this until they shut down the whole town and brought out bomb squads to investigate each and every one of them? The terrorists seek to avoid disclosure; how are we to know they wouldn't try attacking us through children's toys?

Clearly, the only thing ridiculous is the disregard these terror-artists had for our heightened sense of awareness. That's not to say we live in fear, because if we were scared, the terrorists would have won. No, nothing about this incident involved fear. Nothing at all. So, there was no overreaction.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.