Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/30/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another englightening episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail satchel . . .

Jack X writes:

Dear Teddy,

Do you think a gubernatorial candidate has a chance of winning if A) he switched parties twice (Democrat to Republican to Democrat again) and B) in many of his commercials, walks around with a cardboard cutout of the frontrunner?

Jack X

Jack X, I'd say so. He doesn't look like one of them Islamofascists, and as the '03 election showed, that's all that us security-lovin' Americans care about!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

So Many Emotions

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy doesn't know what to do. On Monday, I was deeply saddened by the resignation of Alberto Gonzales. Yesterday, I was reinvigorated by the courage of Senator Craig. This bipolar week has left me not know what to do or where to turn. I'm really locked in a glass case of emotion over here.

For now, send me your questions for "Thursdays with Theodore." Maybe that will help me figure things out.

Dear America, thank you for loving America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

I Believe You!

Dear Readers,

Another America-lover is under attack by the liberal media. Senator Craig of Idaho is accused of being the gay. He denies having ever caught the gay. Watch the video, and don't forget that he thanks everyone for coming out today.



I believe you, Senator. I remember that day in the bar last summer, watching Sam's Army compete in the World Cup, me in my tighty, red, blue, and whiteys, all of us commenting on those muscular little men, all sweaty with taut muscles, and our urgent cheers for a stronger attack in between sips of our Zimas. I realized that day that you and countless other Republicans such as Ken Mehlman are nothing but straight, virile, lovers of America. It's a day I want soon forget.

Senator Craig, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Sky is Falling

Dear Readers,

In a series of events that occurred so fast my head is still spinning, Alberto has now joined Karl in "wanting to spend more time with his family." What will we do without these patriots? These heroes? These freedom lovers?

It's a dark time for old Teddy. Keep me in your prayers.

Alberto and Karl, why did you abandon me and America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/23/07

Dear Readers,

WELCOME, to another exciting episode of . . . "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bin...

J.R. writes:

Dear Dr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

Why can I not find an entry about you on wikipedia?

-J.R.

J.R., that's a great question. All I can say is this - my dear and loyal readers need to get on this!

Dear readers who will create an entry about old Teddy on wikipedia, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Teddy Takes on Pop Culture, Episode 8/20/07

Dear Readers,

That Michael Vick sure is in some trouble, isn't he? They should let the dogs do to him what he did to their brethren. Screw the politically correct "legal system." It's time for some vigilante justice - doggy style!

Michael Vick, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/16/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to the mail receptacle . . .

Cam writes:

Dear Theodore,

Have you gotten over the loss of Karl Rove yet?

Cam

Cam, thanks for the question. The honest answer: no, and I don't think I ever will.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Day Two of Our National Nightmare

Dear Readers,

No word that Karl has changed his mind yet. My grieving continues . . .

Karl Rove, please come back and save America some more!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thank You for Your Service, Mr. Rove

Dear Readers,

Karl Rove is resigning. Our country will, of course, be much the worse for this resignation. Karl Rove has created and then led us through some tough times on numerous occasions. Who will we turn to now?

Folks, Karl is an American hero. Hopefully, he'll get the hero's send-off he deserves. Karl, thank you for your service!

Dear Karl Rove, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/9/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome - to another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail receptacle:

Jack X writes:

Teddy,

I'm planning on going to New Orleans this weekend. Besides getting some chocolate (which I am craving for), is there anything else to do there of note? Let's call that our Thursday question.

Jack X

Jack X, thanks for tossing me a softball. Just head down to the quarter, make a sign with a Bible passage, grab a bullhorn, and tell everyone they're going to hell. Also be sure to tell them to support our divinely-inspired President!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Response!

Dear Readers,

I've been flooded with emails since yesterday's post. So, for today, I simply refer you just below here to yesterday's post!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Teddy Takes on Pop Culture

Dear Readers,

I'm constantly inundated with requests to find out my take on pop culture. People want to know how they should think about and view certain individuals. So, without further delay:

That Lindsey Lohan sure is a wreck.

What's the deal with Britney?

Lionel Richie's little girl is going to jail.

Becks sure has exploded onto the scene.

There you have it, folks! I hope I've enlightened you, and I'll try to continue to let you know what you should think about the world of entertainment in the months ahead.

Toby Keith, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

More Reason to Stay the Course

Dear Readers,

It's come to our attention that almost 200,000 rifles and pistols have gone missing in Iraq. Obviously, this poses a huge threat to our nation's security. If the insurgents get these, they can use them in trying to fight us over here. Since we're much better off fighting them over there, we've got to stay the course until we recover these weapons.

This also adds new life to the John McCain campaign. Since tracking down 200,000 weapons could take a while, we'll need a successor to our divinely-inspired President who will stay the course. That man is, of course, John McCain. Senator McCain, you can thank W later.

Granted, the libs are going to try to spin this to make W and the Defense Department look bad. They're going to point to waste and ineptitude in handling something as serious as these weapons. They're also going to say that our Administration is supplying the insurgents, just like Iran. Don't let the libs scare you - we all know how much W wants to succeed by spreading democracy in Iraq!

W and others stamping out terror, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

They Finally Did Something Good!

Dear Readers,

I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Democrats FINALLY did something to help America! Over the weekend, they capitulated to our divinely-inspired President to allow him to expand his wiretapping and surveillance program! Thank goodness. With Michael Chertoff's gut telling him that Al-Qaeda is gearing up for an attack, we need all the spying we can get.

I know it's unusual for me to salute the Dems, so I'll keep this brief to avoid blowing your minds. For once, to the Dems, I say "thank you."

Democrats, thank you for - *gulp* - loving America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

End of the Week Reflection

Dear Readers,

As much fun as I have watching the Republicans further destroy the Democratic party, some things just really matter in a much more substantial way. To all of the families affected by the bridge collapse in Minneapolis this week, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., and all of Teddy's Troopers send our most heartfelt prayers.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/2/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail satchel . . .

Jack X writes:

Have you ever seen "The Simpsons Movie?" If so, what do you think of the subtle political commentary/satire?

Jack X

Jack X, that's a wonderfully timely question. Short answer: no. It's been known for years that the writers of "The Simpsons" are liberal, America-hating commies. I can only assume that this movie is more of the same. Old Teddy would rather add a few yellow "Support Our Troops" ribbons to the F-250 than send that money to these America-haters!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

More Evidence of What's Wrong with America

Dear Readers,

It's no secret that American's problems are due solely to political correctness and the liberalization of our youth. Well, it's only getting worse. Now, toy maker Fisher-Price is recalling nearly 1 million toys for "excessive" amounts of lead paint.

This raises a fundamental question - how are we going to toughen up our kids when we keep coddling them by taking away items with lead paint or other "dangerous" features. ? Old Teddy played with many toys loaded with lead paint when he was younger, as well as many with jagged edges. And I've turned out to be a true patriot!

The only way to face the terrorists is to toughen up today's youths. We must ensure that they, too, would rather fight them there than to fight them here. If we take toys away because they have lots of a certain type of paint on them, the terrorists have already won.

Child safety coddlers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.