Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 3/29/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag!

April writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

Do you really believe FOX News is, in fact, "fair and balanced?"

~~April


Dear April, that's a great question. In a word, my answer is yes. The liberal media is just out to destroy FOX, though, because it's the only remaining bastion of true journalism.

Cynics, though, claim all news has gone downhill. I disagree, but have a look at some of their "clever" work:

What We Call the News | Send To Friends | Funny Animations at JibJab

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Shock and Awe, II - Iran

Dear Readers,

As you know, last week, the Iranian "navy" captured 15 British sailors. Today, they began to appear on TV. Five days have passed since then, and no action. It's time to put an end to that.

Dear readers, I hereby urge you to contact your Congressional representative and urge them to force the President to invade Iran. Iraq was predicted to fall in 3 weeks; I saw Iran takes 5, 6 max. Let's show them some shock and awe, and shove a red, white, and blue boot up their ass!

Now, you ask, "But Teddy, where will the extra troops come from? Will you sign up?" Well, dear readers, several branches of the military have disqualified old Teddy from enlisting due to a little trouble I had with their psychological evaluations. But we can do it. We're the only superpower left, we can run over them without a second thought!

Iran, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thoughts Go Out to the Snow Family

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy is as sorry as could be for the intermittent posting. I've recently taken on a second job, so I don't have much of an opportunity to post anymore.

As with my last post, another tragedy has struck a political figure. White House spokesperson Tony Snow's previous colon cancer has spread to his liver. The prayers of Teddy and Teddy's Troopers go out to Tony, his wife, and their young children.

Best wishes, Mr. Snow!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 3/22/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to the mail bag . . .

Howard writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq,

What do you think about John Edwards remaining in the campaign despite his wife's cancer?

-Howie


Howie, that's a very timely question. All Teddy will say is this: Elizabeth Edwards and the Edwards family have the prayers of Teddy and Teddy's Troopers. They're a close-knit family, and I hope they find comfort and solace through this difficult time.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Et tu, Ahnald?

Dear Readers,

Today, one of my heroes, Rush Limbaugh, was attacked by someone who is literally part of the west-coast, liberal elite. That's right, I'm talking about the "Republican" governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Governor Schwarzenegger, when asked to respond to Mr. Limbaugh calling him a "closet liberal," said that Mr. Limbaugh is "irrelevant." I can hardly control my rage.

Arnold, everyone knows that your marriage to Maria Shriver turned you into a west-coast, liberal elite, Kennedy-by-marriage. You claim not to be Rush's servant? If not for Rush and his telling of the truth, no "Republican" could be elected to a statewide office in the liberal hellhole that is California. You owe him, Arnold. You owe him.

All I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., have to say is this: Rush, I am your servant, as are all of Teddy's Troopers!

Arnold, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Straight Talk Express is Picking Up Steam!

Dear Readers,

Recently, Sen. John McCain (the next POTUS) has come under fire. On The Straight Talk Express, he was asked about his views on sexual education and contraception. In a typically direct answer, Sen. McCain definitively established his position:


Reporter: “Should U.S. taxpayer money go to places like Africa to fund contraception to prevent AIDS?”

Mr. McCain: “Well I think it’s a combination. The guy I really respect on this is Dr. Coburn. He believes – and I was just reading the thing he wrote– that you should do what you can to encourage abstinence where there is going to be sexual activity. Where that doesn’t succeed, than he thinks that we should employ contraceptives as well. But I agree with him that the first priority is on abstinence. I look to people like Dr. Coburn. I’m not very wise on it.”

(Mr. McCain turns to take a question on Iraq, but a moment later looks back to the reporter who asked him about AIDS.)

Mr. McCain: “I haven’t thought about it. Before I give you an answer, let me think about. Let me think about it a little bit because I never got a question about it before. I don’t know if I would use taxpayers’ money for it.”

Q: “What about grants for sex education in the United States? Should they include instructions about using contraceptives? Or should it be Bush’s policy, which is just abstinence?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy.”

Q: “So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “You’ve stumped me.”

Q: “I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?”

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) “Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.”

Q: “But you would agree that condoms do stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Would you say: ‘No, we’re not going to distribute them,’ knowing that?”

Mr. McCain: (Twelve-second pause) “Get me Coburn’s thing, ask Weaver to get me Coburn’s paper that he just gave me in the last couple of days. I’ve never gotten into these issues before.”


Dear readers, could there be someone stronger and braver than Sen. McCain? He was asked a question, and he gave a direct answer. That's a hero! That, ladies and gentlemen, is the next President of the United States of America!

Senator John McCain, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Back from Vacation, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy is back from vacation. What does that mean for you? More shared wisdom and insight, and guidance on how to love America!

Be on the lookout for new posts starting tomorrow. Thank you for your patience in the meantime, dear readers!

As always, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 3/15/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this weeks episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag . . .

Jack X writes:

Anyway, let me think...what is your stance on cockfighting?

Jack X

Jack X, that's a different but important question. If you're talking about cockfighting in a homosexual sense, well, then I of course oppose that since that's what the Bible tells me to do. If you're talking about regular cockfighting, in a ring, I oppose that too. It's a sport that the enemies of America south of the border enjoy, and if we allow it here, they'll just stream over our border even faster. Protect our border, protect America - end cockfighting.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

But They Serve at the Pleasure of the President!

Dear Readers,

As you have no doubt heard, there's a big flap right now about our divinely-inspired President's Department of Justice firing some ornery prosecutors. Notably, it has been pointed out that these people were fired for political motives, for not investigating allegations of Democratic corruption more vigorously. Just because the Justice Department has investigated 298 allegations of Democratic corruption compared to 67 for Republicans during W's tenure, that doesn't mean there is any political bias; instead, it clearly means Democrats are more corrupt! Plus, Alberto was just hoping for an even 300.

Folks, these U.S. Attorneys serve at the pleasure of the President. He can fire them whenever he wants. If they don't tow the company line, they're gone. Until 100% of investigations involve Democrats, this workforce needs to be refreshed. Just because this is the most secretive Administration in decades, it doesn't mean they have any bad motives. They just love America and are trying to get rid of America-hating liberals. That's all.

Alberto Gonzales, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Haliburton and the Free Market

Dear Readers,

It's obvious that few people love America and the free market as much as the good folks at Haliburton. Capitalizing on their recent success and the new opportunities in the middle east, Haliburton is relocating its headquarters to Dubai. It just makes sense.

Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, law mongerers like to point out that Haliburton has overcharged the American government by billions of dollars during the Glorious Iraq War to Spread Democracy to the Unconverted. They like to argue that the billions that Haliburton has stolen from American taxpayers should, if those in charge of the company actually had a conscience, force some loyalty from those in charge of the company. They also note the ties between the current Administration and and Haliburton and claim that Haliburton has improperly received no-bid contracts during the War. Folks, this is ridiculous.

You see, dear readers, having your friends start a War that you can then profit from is just the free market working. The invisible hand pushed us toward this War. Haliburton would be hurting the economy if they fought the free market and decided intentionally not to profit off of this War. Think about it.

Haliburton, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 3/8/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to the mail bag!

eyechan writes:


Hey I'd love to hear your thoughts on the straight talkin' ann coulter. Perhaps for "Thursdays with Theodore"?

eyechan, a wonderful and timely question. Ann surely tells it like it is, doesn't she? All she did here was provide substance to a debate by questioning John Edwards' sexuality. Yet the west-coast, liberal elite like to say that she used a slur and it was meant to deride a whole class of people since Mr. Edwards is well known to be happily married. Well so what, I say. She clearly added substance to the debate by referring to him by using a homosexual slur. I salute people such as Ms. Coulter who obviously debate the issues and avoid ad hominem attacks!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Sad Day for Democracy

Dear Readers,

Today, Scooter Libby was convicted on 4 of 5 charges. That's right, a true American involved in leading the fight on terror and trying to keep America safe has not been taken down by the liberal media and the liberal judiciary. It's a sad day when the liberal witch-hunters take down a real American.

More importantly though, when evil liberals can take down a true American, it suggests that evil may have prevailed in the world. Us real Americans cannot stand idly be. We must rise up against the liberal tyrants who are trying to pave the way for the islamofascists to take over our great country. It's in the Bible. Look it up.

Folks, a specter is haunting America, the specter of west-coast, liberal elite, hate-America-first cowardice. Now is the time to act.

Scooter Libby trial jurors, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Finally, We Have Conserviality!

Dear Readers,

It's been well known for some time that wikipedia has a strong liberal bias. It's also well known that wikipedia is an absolutely impeccable source of veracity. If you want an authority that is never, ever wrong, and that intellectuals everywhere respect, you turn to wikipedia. Since facts have a known liberal bias, though, where are us real Americans to turn to find a version of events that we like?

After years of searching, it's finally arrived. That's right folks, conservapedia is here! It's been billed by some as an unbiased alternative to wikipedia. Clearly, so long as something doesn't have a liberal bias, then it can have no bias at all!

What types of gems will you find on conservapedia? You'll find doubts as to the truthfulness of gravity, as it's only a theory, like evolution. Additionally, you'll uncover evidence of dinosaurs living side-by-side with humans. If it's on the internet and doesn't have a liberal bias, it must be true!

Heroes who created Conservapedia, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Straight Talk Express Rolls On!

Dear Readers,

This week, Sen. John McCain (R-America) formally announced his intent to run for President on the David Letterman show. This was an opportunity for someone who would be 72 at the 2009 inauguration, should he win, to connect with the youth of today. What did he talk about? Just some straight-talkin', of course.

In the course of the interview, though, Sen. McCain referred to the soldiers who have died in Iraq as having had their lives "wasted." Now, the west-coast, liberal elite, hypocrisy mongerers like to point out that the media attacked Sen. Obama (D-Al Qaeda) when he made a similar statement last month, but the media said very little about Sen. McCain's gaffe. Why the different treatment? Well, it's that famous liberal bias - errrrr - yeah, that liberal bias.

Sen. McCain, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 3/1/07

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag . . .

Jack X writes:

Does the Dewey Decimal System assign numbers to fictional books?

Jack X

Jack X, this is certainly a different question. The answer, though, is yes. If Dewey Decimal System rules are observed, American fiction is classified under the number "813." Many libraries choose to have a separate fiction section because of the space this would take up in the 800's, but technically, yes, the Dewey Decimal System does assign numbers to fictional books.

Among those fictional books would be any that denigrate our divinely-inspired President.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Don't forget to get your questions in for this week's "Thursdays with Theodore!" Email them to teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.