The Not-So-Humble Opinion of Theodore Trumblebunks

Tea-Bagging for Freedom!!!

2009-04-15T23:04:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

What a time Ol' Teddy is having tea-baggin' with other America-lovin' tea baggers! But we can't let it stop here! Therefore, I propose group tea bag sessions weekly, every Wednesday, at noon, in the downtown gathering spot of your cities. We will call this, "Tea-Baggin' With Teddy!"

Dear tea baggers, thank you for loving America!!!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

President-Elect Palin!

2009-01-29T19:42:00.002-05:00

Dear Readers,

I implore all of you to support Sarah Palin in her run up to becoming our next President in January of 2013. Go to SarahPAC and empty your wallets! Sure, we're having tough economic times, but support for Sarah will end the socialist reign of the libislamofascists.

President-Elect Sarah Palin, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Was I dreaming?!?!?!?

2009-01-25T10:30:00.003-05:00

Dear Readers,

I feel like I've been dreaming for months now. We didn't actually elect a Moslem, terrorist-appeasin', non-American born President, did we? How was President McCain's inauguration speech?

President John S. McCain, thank you for loving America!!!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Upcoming Days

2008-11-03T20:11:00.003-05:00

Dear Readers,

Ol' Teddy has cast his vote for an American hero and a man of virtue, Sen. John Sydney McCain. Once he inevitably wins tomorrow, Ol' Teddy will be providing some post-election analysis in the weeks ahead. Rather than giving a lot of lead up to the election, I'm going to focus on all of the Republican heroes who are elected tomorrow to let you know more about the new GOP majority in Congress.

So, be sure to check in to learn more about the GOP Congress President McCain will be able to work with. And remember, go vote for John McCain - early and often!

Dear President McCain, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Country First!

2008-10-01T22:36:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers,

They're all about putting America first! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

More of My Girl!

2008-09-28T21:02:00.001-04:00

NBC found some unaired footage of my girl's moment of glory. Please enjoy!

It's Over!!!!

2008-09-26T23:47:00.001-04:00

Folks, the debate had two clear winners:

1) John McCain, and

2) America, because John McCain will be the next POTUS!!!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Ol' Teddy is in LOOVVVVVEEEEEE!!!

2008-09-26T19:51:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!

McCain/Palin - Crafting New Grammatical Rules Since 2008!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Shame on you, Joe Biden!

2008-09-05T22:26:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers,

Get a load of this despicable display by Sen. Joe Biden. How DARE he call out my party for empty rhetoric. We're at war. Would he rather us have to fight them here than fighting them over there?

Apparently so.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Pray for Our Friends and Families

2008-08-31T15:34:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

Please keep all of our friends and family along the Gulf Coast in your thoughts and prayers for the next few days. Please go ahead and donate to the Red Cross or similar relief organization of your choice.

God bless.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Mr. Chertoff, Raise that Level!!!

2008-08-26T20:27:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,

Oh, how times have changed. In 2004, at the time of the hate America-fest known as the "Democratic National Convention," then-Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge actually cared about protecting America and raised the threat level for a terrorist attack to coincide with the DNC. Dominating the news cycle, this action effectively neutralized John Kerry's post-Convention bounce. The rest is history.

This year, we're two days into the DNC, and Ridge's successor, Michael Chertoff, has failed to act thus far to protect the nation. Mr. Chertoff, we need you to protect us from Islamofasicsts and the Islamofascist-loving Democrats. Mr. Chertoff, raise that threat level in the name of freedom and democracy! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!

Mr. Chertoff, please protect all of us who love America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Straight-Talkin' VP

2008-08-19T21:19:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,

Much ado is currently being made about the Presidential candidates' potential Vice President selections. As we all know, only President - I mean - Senator McCain's decision will matter. Who could he choose to bring in the conservative base? Who else is a straight shooter (well, when talking)?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

South Carolina is SO GAY!

2008-07-14T19:56:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers,

I knew it all along. Well, all I can say is that Ol' Teddy won't be going back there!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

R.I.P. Tony Snow

2008-07-12T13:58:00.001-04:00

Thoughts and prayers to his family.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

You're Right, President McCain - It Is An "Absolute Disgrace!"

2008-07-09T17:32:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,

My support of the soon to be POTUS, Sen. John McCain (R - America), is well -known by now. Recently, I reported on his http://teddytrumbles.blogspot.com/2008/06/non-importance-of-interwebs.html. By not bogging himself down in such details as computers and electronic communication, Sen. McCain is keeping his brain cells open for important work, like continuing the fight against Islamofascists all over the world!

Now, Sen. McCain is back at it. In a spontaneous and unscripted town hall meeting, he let the cat out of the bag by telling people that it is "absolutely disgusting" that Social Security payments to retirees are paid out of taxes on current workers. Folks, the system is broken! Never mind that this is how the system has operated for over seven decades. It's currently in a crisis, and one that only Sen. McCain can fix.

Enjoy this brilliant man for yourself:

Senator McCain, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Throwing Off the Shackles of the Liberal Media

2008-07-04T21:33:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,

Today, of course, brings a close to the holiday season. From me and mine to you and yourn, Happy 4th of July! Ol' Teddy hopes all of you had as wonderful of a holiday as I did. Happy Birthday, Declaration of Independence!

This morning began with Ol' Teddy slipping into my tighty red, blue, and whities. I then put on my jean shorts, flag muscle shirt, and steel-toed boots, and headed out. After that, today was all about the grilling in the Trumblebunks' household, with sausage being the featured item.

That's right, I spent much of the day grilling up some sausage. I bought some, and some patriotic friends brought some over as well. We grilled much of the day, and enjoyed each other's sausages (I especially enjoyed Tony's Italian sausage and Wojciech's Polish sausage). After grilling all day and enjoying the sausages, we decided we needed to shower before watching the fireworks. Once clean, it was time for the show!

Dear readers, Ol' Teddy fired up the F-250 and cranked up "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" and headed down for the fireworks show. I had an ice chest full of Zima, so we got a little smashed as we celebrated our Independence. Of course, we took the time to sober up before driving home, so we laid around in the bed of the truck to pass the time. Once the Zimas had worn off, it was time to call it a day.

Dear readers, thank you for all of your support. Happy Independence Day to all of you!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Modern Rosa Parks

2008-06-24T19:42:00.004-04:00

Dear Readers,

Ol' Teddy is willing to admit that we still have a race problem in this country. However, what I can't understand is why people fighting for racial equality get hammered by the west-coast, liberal elite, Aryan-lovers for their efforts? Don't the liberals claim to want racial equality?

Take, for instance, a modern Freedom Fighter, Don Imus, friend of this blog. Now, Mr. Imus is no stranger to controversy for his efforts to bring about racial equality. This new controversy, however, is ridiculous!

Libs, get off of your high horse. Imus merely asked what color a man who was repeatedly arrested was, and upon being informed that the individual is African-American, responded, "There you go. Now we know." How could anybody consider that to be racist?

Today, Mr. Imus explained that his comments were sarcastically attacking racial profiling. Obviously. Yet, this hero of racial equality is now being vilified as supposedly being racist for such statements. What have we come to, when we fail to accept such nonsensical, after-the-fact explanations as that offered by Mr. Imus? Why won't we let a man try to salvage his career with such a far-fetched story? He even used the iron-clad "but I have a black friend [producers]" defense!

Freedom weeps, dear readers. Mr. Imus obviously merely intended to make a point that racial profiling is bad. Now, he will forever be known as a racist. Way to go, libs.

People who see racism in racist statements, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Non-Importance of the Interwebs

2008-06-17T22:41:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

My boy, Sen. John McCain, has recently come under fire for some comments he made regarding The Google. When asked if he prefers Macs or PCs, soon-to-be President McCain said that he prefers neither and is a computer illiterate. God bless him.

You see, dear readers, by not being bothered with the Internet tubes, Sen. McCain can focus instead on continuing the Iraq War for 100 years. Furthermore, he doesn't have to be bothered with bad news or polls showing overwhelming disapproval ratings like W has to deal with. Sen. McCain can spend his time, instead, focusing on working with Congress to pass beers he likes.

Ignorance is bliss, dear readers, and in the 21st century, nothing could be more ignorant than willfully choosing not to know how to use a computer. Here's to you, President McCain, the most blissful man alive!

President McCain, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Weekend!

2008-06-16T22:41:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

As you know, this past Saturday was one of my favorite holidays - Flag Day! And boy, did old Teddy celebrate! I'm just starting to get over my Flag Day hangover now, and hope that the same is true for all of you. Due to my condition, this must be brief, but I'll be back at it tomorrow and in the two and a half weeks before Independence Day!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America! (Except you, Jack X, who left the party that loves America!)

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 6/12/08

2008-06-12T22:35:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to yet another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail satchel . . .

Jamie Lynn writes:

Dear Mr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

Were you flooded in by the recent weather? Also, are you as excited about the price of oil as I am?!?!?!?

~~Jamie Lynn

Jamie Lynn, thank you for your email, and thank you for your concern. Old Teddy made it out unscathed, though my old red, white, and blue heart goes out to all of those who were affected.

As for your second question - YES!!! Good times are on the way, people! In gratitude, I send a check to ExxonMobil at the end of each month to try to help boost their profits even more. You can thank me for the trickle down benefits later!!!

Jamie Lynn, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 5/29/08

2008-05-29T23:40:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag . . .

Loyal reader and friend jack X writes:

Hey, Teddy, gonna pre-order your copy of Scott McClellan's new memoir? I am!

Jack X

Jack X, what a timely question. I've ordered 5 copies so that I can burn them! This is just a disgruntled former White House employee, looking to cash in during an election year. Nothing - NOTHING - he says can be considered to be truthful. So, don't consider any of it to be true. Support the President, dear readers!

Scott McClellan, why do you hate America?!?!?!?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Covert Threat

2008-05-28T22:37:00.005-04:00

Dear Readers,

It's no surprise that Rachael Ray is the greatest threat facing this country. Luckily for us, patriot Michelle Malkin has unearthed conclusive proof of this fact. To you, Ms. Malkin, I say kudos.

Folks, look more closely at the picture:

If that doesn't scream "I coddle terrorists," then I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., don't know what does. Compare it to this kefiyah:

Aside from the differences in patterns, and the difference in the fringe, and the fact that one is worn on the head and the other is worn around the neck as a scarf, there is no discernible difference between the two!

Ms. Malkin, thank you for pointing out this support for terrorists that the west-coast, liberal elite, America-haters have been trying to sneak right beneath our noses! Ms. Malkin, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What is W thinking?

2008-04-13T23:24:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

As you know, I never question our divinely-inspired President. As you also know, I'm no fan of the Papists. Today, though, what do I read, but that W is welcoming the Pope???

I fear the repercussions of this. Does this suggest that America will be more accepting of these fake Christians? Does it mean W is going to be controlled from now on by the Vatican? Does it mean we've finally given up on God as a country?

Stay tuned, dear readers, and be on guard. Don't let the Papists and the secularists get their way.

Papists, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 4/10/08

2008-04-10T22:18:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag...

Emerson writes:

"Dear Mr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What do you think of Gen. Petraeus' testimony this week?"

Emerson, thank you for your very timely submission. I thought that Gen. Petraeus' testimony was mesmerizing. The way he essentially said that we'll never be able to leave Iraq brought a tear to my red, white, and blue heart. We're going to stay until Iraq is peaceful, even if it takes a million years! Luckily, with my boy Sen. McCain as President, we'll have a Commander in Chief who will be committed to staying there a million years!

Dear General Petraeus, Sen. McCain, and Emerson, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

2008-04-10T10:40:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers,

Please get your questions in for this week's edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" You can just leave your question(s) in the comments!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Last of a Dying Breed

2008-04-08T21:04:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,

We've now lost our three greatest American heroes: John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, and this fellow:

Rest in peace, Mr. Heston.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

So Stupid, They Don't Even Know Who They Support!

2008-04-07T19:48:00.004-04:00

Dear Readers,

By now, you no doubt recognize the inherent contradictions and stupidity of the west-coast, liberal elite. Well, now they've one-upped themselves. Today, in San Francisco, a number of these hippies protested the upcoming Olympic Games in China. Earlier in the day, a number of these hippies in France actually caused the Olympic torch to be extinguished - twice.

What is odd about this? The commie-loving liberals in San Francisco and France are protesting their Commie buddies in China! Do they not recognize how beautifully ironic all of this is? Obviously not.

Liberalism is a failed theory. Now, as they fight amongst themselves, they'll rid the world forever of this scourge. Good riddance!

Dear dumb hippies, thank you for loving America by destroying yourselves!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Bunkering Down Against the Islamofascists

2008-04-04T21:04:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

It comes as no surprise that we all face a constant threat of a terrorist attack by the Islamofascists. But what can you do to protect your wife and kids? Look no further than the Quiet Sleeper.

Folks, how many beds offer "bio-chemical filtered ventilation?" Would you not sleep well knowing that you're protected from biological warfare? Or what about a 1.25" polycarbonate bulletproof plating/shielding? It has its own water system and a toilet, as well. Only the Quiet Sleeper can offer all of this.

What's the best part of all? It costs a mere $135,000. Is your family not worth this? If you love your family, you'd be willing to pay $135,000 or more for a unit for all of your kids, and one for you and the wife.

I give this a rating of 5/5 American Flags on the Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. rating system of products designed for Americans who love America!

Dear manufacturers of the Quantum Sleeper, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Lax in My Duties

2008-03-15T23:05:00.003-04:00

Dear Readers,

My apologies to all of you! Ol' Teddy has been remiss in his duties to remind you of which true Americans you should be supporting and which Islamofascist-appeasers you should avoid like the plague. I vow to focus more on you, dear readers, and to guide you in your patriotism!

Where do we stand today? My boy is in! Sen. McCain will be the next POTUS!!! Meanwhile, the Demofascists will destroy their party as they continue to fight amongst themselves! Could life be any better for us? I think not!

Folks, life is good - we're going to have another Republican President, we're going to win back Congress, AND oil prices are surging! Dear readers, we're walkin' on sunshine - and don't it feel good?

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Who's Left? My Boy! (and some other schmucks)

2008-02-07T23:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

Loyal reader Jack X has asked me for my feelings on the remaining Presidential candidates. Everyone knows I'm a huge fan of Sen. John McCain. As to the others?

Mitt Romney: he gone! Let his gay-marriage-loving liberal butt get back to Massachusetts and stop trying to destroy America!!

Mike Huckabee: closet liberal. His economic approach is populist, so he hates real Americans (i.e., the rich kind).

Ron Paul: he wants to surrender to the Islamofascists. Case closed.

Barack Obama: he is one of the Islamofascists, and he refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance. I got an email about that.

Hillary Clinton: wants to make America Communist.

Mike Gravel: is he still alive?

So, as you can see dear readers, Sen. McCain is the only choice that won't destroy America. If you love America, you'll support him.

Senator McCain supporters, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Repeal the Property Tax NOW, Mr. Governor!

2008-02-03T11:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

A movement in Indiana is really warming the cockles of Ol' Teddy's heart. On Friday, several hundred people participated in a rally at the Statehouse in an effort to repeal the property tax in the counties of the state. This rally was spearheaded by the wonderful group Advance America, which normally rallies each year to ban gay marriage (God bless 'em!), but this year, their focus has turned to the evils of the property tax.

Folks, as you may or may not know, the property tax is the primary revenue source for local governments, funding things like police and fire protection, road improvements, schools, and parks and recreation. The fat cats in local government like to argue that local governments are remarkably efficient, and a cut in revenue will result in a loss of services, but I'm not buying it. They just need to learn to do more with less, because that always works incredibly well!

Dear readers, these folks in Indiana have a right to be ticked off. They have the 36th-highest per capita property taxes of any state that actually uses a property tax! Furthermore, this has brought their property tax rates slightly closer to the much higher rates in all of the states surrounding Indiana! Who wouldn't be upset?

All of the west-coast, liberal elite, local government fat cats need to learn to spend more wisely. Give these people liberty from funding critical local government services, or give them death!

Mr. Miller and Advance America, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Ride!

2008-02-02T00:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

Ol' Teddy has not checked in for a long time. You have to understand, I've been following the Straight Talk Express around for the last month in my F-350, and look where it's gotten us! We're now the front-runners!

That's right, dear readers, I've been supporting Sen. McCain for the last 6 months, when his campaign appeared to be on the brink of collapse. Now, we're in the lead and on our way to the nomination! I don't want to take all of the credit, but let's realize that I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am solely responsible for this "surge."

Folks, join me in supporting a real American for the Presidency - Sen. John McCain.

Sen. McCain, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Merry Christmas, Teddy's Troopers!

2007-12-25T21:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

On behalf of all in the Trumblebunks' Family, please accept our warmest wishes for a Merry CHRISTmas! That's right, I said "Merry Christmas!" The west-coast, liberal elite, Christ-haters are likely to have me arrested for this, but I don't care. They can keep persecuting us Christians all they want, but we're going to keep loving our Lord.

So, once again, Merry Christmas, to you and yourn!

Dear readers, thank you for loving Jesus, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Final Countdown

2007-12-24T20:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

One more night, potentially, to help our economy and our democracy by shopping for Christmas presents. The following is the list of businesses (most of which also made last year's list) you should avoid, as they have given into the west-coast, liberal elite, anti-Christmas trend that has ruined our country:

1-800-Flowers
103.3 FM
ABC
Acadian Ambulance
Acuvue Contacts
Albert's Sand-Blasting
Albertson's
Apple
Apocalypto (movie)
Arby's
Avis
Avon
Baskin Robbins
Baton Rouge Metropolitan Airport
Benoit's County Meat Market
Best Buy
Bill's CV Joints and Boots
BP
Budget Car Rental
Burger King
CBS
Celebration Station
Celebrex
Charlotte's Web (movie)
Circuit City
Citgo (b/c of Chavez)
Colgate
CompUSA
Cox Communications
Crest
CVS Pharmacy
David's Tire Re-Treading Service
Dillard's
Dollar General
Enterprise Rent-A-Car
The Facebook
General Electric
Goodyear
Happy Feet (movie)
Hertz
Hobby Lobby
Indianapolis International Airport
Insight Communications
J. Crew
JC Penney's
Jewel
Kinko's
Lens Crafters
Lipitor
Macy's
McDonald's
Kim's Nails
Kroger
Los Angeles Times
Kroger
Memphis International Airport
Monistat
NBC
New York Times
Northwest Airlines
Office Depot
Office Max
Osco
Osh Kosh-B'Gosh
Parrain's Restaurant
Pat's Family Restaurant
Pay-Day Loan Service
Penske
Piccadilly
Rave Motion Pictures
Regions Bank
Rite-Aid
Sam's Club
Sears
Shell
Staples
Starbucks
Subway
Taco Bell
Tampax
TCBY
Texaco
The Nation (magazine)
Trojan
Victoria's Secret
Walgreens
Wal-Mart
Westinghouse
Whole Foods
Winn Dixie

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Target Feels the Wrath of Ol' Teddy

2007-12-22T23:56:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

Last year, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., really turned the heat up on Target. Their anti-Christian ways led me to focus on them as enemy #1 in the War on Christmas. Well, they got the message.

Dear readers, today, Ol' Teddy was investigating a Target to see if they had learned their lesson. What did I see? A giant sign saying "Merry Christmas!" Granted, it was close to a "Happy Holidays" sign, but, it's a step in the right direction. My boycott forced them to repent and change their ways. Dear readers, we're taking back America for Jesus!

So, to update, this year's boycott list is:

103.3 FM
Baton Rouge Metro Airport
Benoit's Country Meat Market
Hobby Lobby
J. Crew
Northwest Airlines
Office Depot
Parrain's Restaurant
Regions Bank
Wal-Mart on College Drive
Wal-Mart on Highway 1

Please send along all other Christ-hating businesses, so Teddy's Troopers can boycott these anti-American establishments.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 12/20/07

2007-12-21T00:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another edition of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mailbag...

Courtney writes:

What's more important this season? Celebrating Jesus, or supporting the troops?

~~Courtney

Courtney, that's easy - both. Jesus is watching over our troops, who are fighting to spread democracy and Christianity throughout the world!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Battle Rages...

2007-12-20T00:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

Ol' Teddy hit up some more retail establishments today. No employee of any of them wished ol' Teddy a Merry Christmas. Thus, the list must be expanded:

Baton Rouge Metro Airport
Benoit's Country Meat Market
Hobby Lobby
Northwest Airlines
Office Depot
Wal-Mart on College Drive
Wal-Mart on Highway 1

Dear readers, be on guard, and make sure to pass along all rogue businesses to me!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The War (on Christmas) Continues

2007-12-18T14:04:00.002-05:00

Dear Readers,

It's no secret that Christians are routinely persecuted here in America. With the west-coast, liberal elite, atheism/Islam-loving hippies running around, Christians are attacked and reviled much as they were in ancient Rome before the conversion of Constantine. At no time of the year is this more apparent than during the CHRISTMAS season. If I didn't go to church on a regular basis, I'd have no way of knowing that Christmas is even coming up, thanks to the libs.

Dear readers, you no doubt remember that I have been on the front lines of the War on Christmas for some time now. Now, it's time to figure out which businesses hate Jesus this year so that we can boycott them. So far, our list is as follows:

Baton Rouge Metro Airport
Benoit's Country Meat Market
Northwest Airlines
Wal-Mart on College Drive
Wal-Mart on Highway 1

Folks, if you go to any business or retail establishment and they fail to wish you a Merry Christmas, please forward the name of the business to me so we can add them to the boycott list.

Dear readers, thank you for loving Jesus, Christmas, and America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Happy Thanksgiving, Dear Readers!

2007-11-22T20:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

From the bottom of my conservative heart, I wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving! On this day, keep in mind the prowess of our military as well as the many brave men and women stationed all over the world to fight them there so we don't have to fight them here. Before you go to bed, make sure you salute the flag and sing the national anthem. God bless.

Dear Thanksgiving celebraters, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

RPR

2007-11-18T14:56:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

I'm often asked my thoughts on the "Ron Paul Revolution." I'm told that his backwards-looking ways are supposedly refreshing to true conservatives, such as his promise to eliminate all government-funded social programs. Folks, old Teddy certainly knows that everything works much better when it's privatized and done on a contract basis than when the government can directly administer it. All you have to do is look at privatized roads and prisons in a state such as Indiana to see how complete a solution this actually is.

But what gets me is that this man calls himself a "Republican, yet he opposes the War against the Islamofascists. If a Republican won't keep America safe, who can we rely on? This man is just a Democrat in disguise, so long as you ignore his "privatize everything" stance. He is dangerous, and it's time that America opens its eyes.

This Ron Paul Revolution is just another example of liberals trying to make fools of us conservatives. To you, Ron Paul, I say this: screw you.

Ron Paul, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Sign that Check, Dems

2007-10-22T20:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Our divinely-inspired President needs some more money in the War on Islamofascism. Without another blank check, the war may start to go badly. And we can't allow this to happen.

Dems, the ball is in your court. You don't want the terrorists to win, do you? You'd rather fight them there than here, wouldn't you? What about our children, and their future? If you don't provide this funding, the blood's on your hands.

Folks, the Dems whine about "unjust war" and "war we can't win." That's all well and good, but they still have to fund it. Otherwise, when your child dies in the next 9/11, it will be Hillary's fault.

70% of America that opposes the War, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 10/18/07

2007-10-18T22:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail sack . . .

Copernicus writes:

Dear Mr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What do you think of Congress' inability to override President Bush's veto of the SCHIP bill?

--Copernicus

Copernicus, thank you for your timely question. This is a great move by those Republicans who supported the President's position and prevented the House from reaching the requisite number of votes needed to override the veto. This was a terrible piece of legislation that, even though it would have helped numerous children, could potentially have helped an illegal immigrant. Good riddance to such a terrible idea. Thank you, W, and the brave Republican minority in the House, for sticking to your guns and not listening to the 80% of Americans who wanted this bill to pass!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Friendly Reminder, Dear Readers

2007-10-17T18:59:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow will be another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Make sure to get your questions, on any topic, to me at: teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Time to Do Our Part

2007-10-16T21:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

If you've paid attention to the news the last few days, you know that the price of oil has jumped to over $84 a barrel. What is the result? Big Oil is hurting, and profits are falling. This is a dangerous situation.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times - our economy goes as Big Oil goes. If they're hurting, we will be, too. We must affect the market. Folks, rather than avoiding filling up, you must flll up every time your needle leaves "F". By artifically affecting the demand side of the curve (hey, it's ok to affect the free market to drive prices UP, just not for the government to artificially lower prices), we'll drive prices up, which will drive profits up, which will make our economy BOOM (if you ignore the housing foreclosure crisis). Happy times will be here again!

Dear Big Oil, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Go Get 'Em, Senator Craig

2007-10-15T18:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Not-gay Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) is continuing to fight the west-coast, liberal elite, pro-gay-bathroom sex crowd. Today, he filed an appeal to challenge a local judge's recent refusal to allow him to withdraw his guilty plea. I say go get 'em, Sen. Craig. We're behind you in a totally heterosexual kind of way.

You see, dear readers, nothing would help the Dems more than to catch a clearly not-gay Republican Senator engaged in a gay extramarital tryst. They'd try to say that we, the pro-family values crowd, are nothing but hypocrites. Even some Republicans contend that not-gay Senator Craig is hurting the party by prolonging his fight.

Folks, this is America. When it comes to Republican Congressmen, we have a presumption of innocent until proven guilty. Just because some liberal policemen have accused not-gay Sen. Craig of engaging in lewd behavior in an airport bathroom, and he pleaded guilty to it, that doesn't mean he's guilty. It just means he should be able to withdraw that plea whenever he'd like to, and have his day in court.

Not-gay Senator Craig, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Seriously? Turkey?

2007-10-14T16:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Although old Teddy has been a little out of the loop lately, I do know that Turkey has been raising a lot of ruckus? Are we really going to take this from Turkey? We've already got our equipment just next door in Iraq. Let's just bomb them back to the Stone Age while we're there and solve all of our problems.

Yes, yes, the west-coast, liberal elite, peace-coddlers will oppose this, but history has taught us that, when somebody is giving you lip, you have to eradicate the problem. End of discussion.

Turkey, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 10/4/07

2007-10-04T23:26:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail receptacle...

Louis writes:

Dear Dr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq., C.P.A.,

What do you think of the latest Larry Craig news?

-Louis

Louis, thanks for the email. I know that Sen. Craig's request to withdraw his guilty plea was denied by a liberal activist judge. But this not-gay Senator has vowed to remain in office. I support not-gay Senator Craig, and urge all Republicans to grow a spine that is straight as an arrow, like not-gay Sen. Craig.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

My Goodness, More Praise for the Dems

2007-10-02T21:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

The anti-war, anti-troop Dems have given our divinely-inspired President more funding for the Glorious Campaign against Islamofascism. I'm at a loss for words.

Dear Dems, thank you for loving America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Just Think What it Could Be!

2007-10-01T23:27:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

The DJIA has once again topped the magical 14K mark. And gas is relatively cheap right now. If I've said it once, I've said it 5 billion times: rising Big Oil floats all boats.

So, dear readers, I implore you: boycott the gas stations until they raise their prices. That's right. If the oil companies are too generous to raise prices artificially on their own, we'll do it for them!

Gas boycott to raise price starts - now!

Big Oil, try to love America and our economy just a little more, please!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Leave Bill-O Alone!

2007-09-28T22:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

One of my heroes, Bill O'Reilly, has taken a lot of heat the last few days over some allegedly racist and bigoted remarks. Apparently, some people think that stereotyping negative attributes and believing all members of a single race share the same qualities are racist activities. As if.

Dear readers, old Teddy isn't so technologically adept. But if I was, I'd make a video similar to this well-known one, but substitute Bill's name for Britney's:

Keep fighting the good fight against the liberal media conspiracy, Bill, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 9/13/07

2007-09-13T20:52:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag . . .

General David P. writes:

Dear Dr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What did you think of my testimony this week?

~Dave

Dear Dave, you were wonderful. Now that we've achieved so much success, we can draw down our number of troops. Keep on, keeping on, sir!

General David P., thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Make Up Your Mind, Libs

2007-09-12T19:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

They're at it again. Yep, the old flip-flop Dems are back. You see, a new article came out about some species being on the verge of extinction. The pro-evolution, anti-God crowd is complaining about species supposedly going extinct.

What makes this ironic, you see, is that the evolution crowd base their little theory on the notion that certain species go extinct as adaptations are made and new species emerge. In those instances, extinction is good. But now, because I like to drive a big truck, I'm supposedly evil because a few monkeys are dying?

Which is it, libs - extinction is natural, or extinction is bad? Make up your minds. And you wonder why your little monkey-man theory has no support or respect!

Dear pro-evolution crowd, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

9/11 Remembrance

2007-09-11T20:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Leave it to such a special day to bring me back. Let's recall the lives that were lost, and the unity - however fleeting - we gained. And let's hope such a tragedy never happens again.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/30/07

2007-08-30T20:18:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another englightening episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail satchel . . .

Jack X writes:

Dear Teddy,

Do you think a gubernatorial candidate has a chance of winning if A) he switched parties twice (Democrat to Republican to Democrat again) and B) in many of his commercials, walks around with a cardboard cutout of the frontrunner?

Jack X

Jack X, I'd say so. He doesn't look like one of them Islamofascists, and as the '03 election showed, that's all that us security-lovin' Americans care about!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

So Many Emotions

2007-08-29T19:31:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy doesn't know what to do. On Monday, I was deeply saddened by the resignation of Alberto Gonzales. Yesterday, I was reinvigorated by the courage of Senator Craig. This bipolar week has left me not know what to do or where to turn. I'm really locked in a glass case of emotion over here.

For now, send me your questions for "Thursdays with Theodore." Maybe that will help me figure things out.

Dear America, thank you for loving America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

I Believe You!

2007-08-28T18:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Another America-lover is under attack by the liberal media. Senator Craig of Idaho is accused of being the gay. He denies having ever caught the gay. Watch the video, and don't forget that he thanks everyone for coming out today.

I believe you, Senator. I remember that day in the bar last summer, watching Sam's Army compete in the World Cup, me in my tighty, red, blue, and whiteys, all of us commenting on those muscular little men, all sweaty with taut muscles, and our urgent cheers for a stronger attack in between sips of our Zimas. I realized that day that you and countless other Republicans such as Ken Mehlman are nothing but straight, virile, lovers of America. It's a day I want soon forget.

Senator Craig, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

The Sky is Falling

2007-08-27T22:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

In a series of events that occurred so fast my head is still spinning, Alberto has now joined Karl in "wanting to spend more time with his family." What will we do without these patriots? These heroes? These freedom lovers?

It's a dark time for old Teddy. Keep me in your prayers.

Alberto and Karl, why did you abandon me and America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/23/07

2007-08-23T22:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

WELCOME, to another exciting episode of . . . "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bin...

J.R. writes:

Dear Dr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

Why can I not find an entry about you on wikipedia?

-J.R.

J.R., that's a great question. All I can say is this - my dear and loyal readers need to get on this!

Dear readers who will create an entry about old Teddy on wikipedia, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Teddy Takes on Pop Culture, Episode 8/20/07

2007-08-20T23:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

That Michael Vick sure is in some trouble, isn't he? They should let the dogs do to him what he did to their brethren. Screw the politically correct "legal system." It's time for some vigilante justice - doggy style!

Michael Vick, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/16/07

2007-08-16T19:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to the mail receptacle . . .

Cam writes:

Dear Theodore,

Have you gotten over the loss of Karl Rove yet?

Cam

Cam, thanks for the question. The honest answer: no, and I don't think I ever will.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Day Two of Our National Nightmare

2007-08-14T20:03:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

No word that Karl has changed his mind yet. My grieving continues . . .

Karl Rove, please come back and save America some more!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thank You for Your Service, Mr. Rove

2007-08-13T19:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Karl Rove is resigning. Our country will, of course, be much the worse for this resignation. Karl Rove has created and then led us through some tough times on numerous occasions. Who will we turn to now?

Folks, Karl is an American hero. Hopefully, he'll get the hero's send-off he deserves. Karl, thank you for your service!

Dear Karl Rove, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/9/07

2007-08-09T20:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome - to another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail receptacle:

Jack X writes:

Teddy,

I'm planning on going to New Orleans this weekend. Besides getting some chocolate (which I am craving for), is there anything else to do there of note? Let's call that our Thursday question.

Jack X

Jack X, thanks for tossing me a softball. Just head down to the quarter, make a sign with a Bible passage, grab a bullhorn, and tell everyone they're going to hell. Also be sure to tell them to support our divinely-inspired President!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Response!

2007-08-08T21:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I've been flooded with emails since yesterday's post. So, for today, I simply refer you just below here to yesterday's post!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Teddy Takes on Pop Culture

2007-08-07T20:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I'm constantly inundated with requests to find out my take on pop culture. People want to know how they should think about and view certain individuals. So, without further delay:

That Lindsey Lohan sure is a wreck.

What's the deal with Britney?

Lionel Richie's little girl is going to jail.

Becks sure has exploded onto the scene.

There you have it, folks! I hope I've enlightened you, and I'll try to continue to let you know what you should think about the world of entertainment in the months ahead.

Toby Keith, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

More Reason to Stay the Course

2007-08-06T20:18:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

It's come to our attention that almost 200,000 rifles and pistols have gone missing in Iraq. Obviously, this poses a huge threat to our nation's security. If the insurgents get these, they can use them in trying to fight us over here. Since we're much better off fighting them over there, we've got to stay the course until we recover these weapons.

This also adds new life to the John McCain campaign. Since tracking down 200,000 weapons could take a while, we'll need a successor to our divinely-inspired President who will stay the course. That man is, of course, John McCain. Senator McCain, you can thank W later.

Granted, the libs are going to try to spin this to make W and the Defense Department look bad. They're going to point to waste and ineptitude in handling something as serious as these weapons. They're also going to say that our Administration is supplying the insurgents, just like Iran. Don't let the libs scare you - we all know how much W wants to succeed by spreading democracy in Iraq!

W and others stamping out terror, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

They Finally Did Something Good!

2007-08-05T22:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Democrats FINALLY did something to help America! Over the weekend, they capitulated to our divinely-inspired President to allow him to expand his wiretapping and surveillance program! Thank goodness. With Michael Chertoff's gut telling him that Al-Qaeda is gearing up for an attack, we need all the spying we can get.

I know it's unusual for me to salute the Dems, so I'll keep this brief to avoid blowing your minds. For once, to the Dems, I say "thank you."

Democrats, thank you for - *gulp* - loving America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

End of the Week Reflection

2007-08-03T22:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

As much fun as I have watching the Republicans further destroy the Democratic party, some things just really matter in a much more substantial way. To all of the families affected by the bridge collapse in Minneapolis this week, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., and all of Teddy's Troopers send our most heartfelt prayers.

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 8/2/07

2007-08-02T20:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another exciting episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail satchel . . .

Jack X writes:

Have you ever seen "The Simpsons Movie?" If so, what do you think of the subtle political commentary/satire?

Jack X

Jack X, that's a wonderfully timely question. Short answer: no. It's been known for years that the writers of "The Simpsons" are liberal, America-hating commies. I can only assume that this movie is more of the same. Old Teddy would rather add a few yellow "Support Our Troops" ribbons to the F-250 than send that money to these America-haters!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

More Evidence of What's Wrong with America

2007-08-01T19:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

It's no secret that American's problems are due solely to political correctness and the liberalization of our youth. Well, it's only getting worse. Now, toy maker Fisher-Price is recalling nearly 1 million toys for "excessive" amounts of lead paint.

This raises a fundamental question - how are we going to toughen up our kids when we keep coddling them by taking away items with lead paint or other "dangerous" features. ? Old Teddy played with many toys loaded with lead paint when he was younger, as well as many with jagged edges. And I've turned out to be a true patriot!

The only way to face the terrorists is to toughen up today's youths. We must ensure that they, too, would rather fight them there than to fight them here. If we take toys away because they have lots of a certain type of paint on them, the terrorists have already won.

Child safety coddlers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Et tu, Doctors?

2007-07-31T23:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

As we all know, Gitmo is really just a day resort and spa. It's kept us safe for almost six years now by getting current relevant information from people who have had no contact with the outside world for an extended period of time. But now, the doctorazzi are out to undermine our security. What a shame.

You see, dear readers, some doctors have written that military doctors break their code of ethics when they force feed prisoners who are on hunger strikes. Do these doctors not realize we're at war? We're much better off fighting them there rather than fighting them here. Leave it to liberals to not realize this, though.

We need to keep these guests alive so we can procure information from them to keep us safe. I suppose the liberal medical community would prefer for us to be attacked again.

Doctors, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

He's Back!

2007-07-30T19:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

My boy is back! The Straight Talk Express is rolling again!

Folks, I haven't been this excited since Dick spent a Saturday as President. The Maverick is back! And he's fighting th establishment this time by supporting the Iraq War. What a rebel!

There's clearly not much more to say than this: "I give you the next President of the United States, John McCain!"

Senator McCain, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 7/26/07

2007-07-26T23:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag . . .

Constance writes:

Dear Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

Where have you been?

~Constance

Constance, that's a great question, and a very timely one as well. Old Teddy has moved to a new abode this week, so I've been a bit busy/exhausted/off of the internet tubes. But once I have a chance to rest, I'll be back and better than ever!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Weekend!

2007-07-23T22:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

First, before I say anything else, thank goodness that our divinely-inspired President's colonoscopy yielded nothing more than some benign polyps. More importantly, though, we got to experience a few hours of Dick Cheney as P.O.T.U.S. Folks, I could hardly contain myself. What's the only thing that could be as good as W as Commander-in-Chief? Dick!

Dear readers, few people are as cordial and gentlemanly as Dick Cheney. Imagine how great of a job Dick could do if he one day got a shot at the Presidency. He'd have the Middle East smoldering and ready to receive Democracy seeds before anyone would even realize it!

Therefore, before anyone else can do it, I hereby officially launch the "Draft Dick" campaign! Join me in helping to Draft Dick!

Future President Duck Cheney, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 7/19/07

2007-07-19T21:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the old mail bag . . .

Marilyn writes:

Are you concerned about the financial troubles of the McCain campaign?

~~Marilyn

Marilyn, thanks for the letter. My answer: no. Folks, McCain has just invested his money to earn interest, so that he can have more money when it counts. That's all. The Straight Talk Express is still chuggin' along!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Another Stunt

2007-07-18T20:27:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

No doubt, you're aware that the Democrats pulled a cheap political stunt last night. They kept the overworked Republican Senators up all night, trying to get them to give in on Iraq. Luckily, Mitch's boys didn't budge.

You see, dear readers, these Democrats, like Russ Feingold, think they're somehow HELPING the troops by bringing them home. In reality, they're hurting troop morale and undermining our mission. That's all they're doing, but they'll never admit it.

Folks, let's thank Sen. McConnell et al. for refusing to budge. The only way to improve the war is to stand resolute and avoid making any changes!

Senate Republicans and Joe Lieberman, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Only $660 million!?!?!

2007-07-17T20:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

The Catholic Church recently offered and received approval of a $660 million settlement for past sexual transgressions by various priests in the dioceses of Los Angeles. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times - place papists amidst the west-coast, liberal elite, and bad things are inevitable. But real people were hurt here, which leaves me asking one question - only $660 million?

Folks, this is ridiculous. The papists have much deeper pockets than this. This is a slap in the face to the people these papist animals have hurt. The papists will never learn.

Catholic Church, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

What a Guy!

2007-07-16T23:47:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Today, a true American, Senator David Vitter (R-Brothels), finally broke his silence. Last week he admitted to being a client of the DC Madam. Then, stories surfaced that he also frequented New Orleans whorehouses. For a week, he's been supporting family values in seclusion, but luckily for America - nay, mankind - he's finally speaking out.

And what has he said? He didn't visit any New Orleans whores! See, he's only HALF as bad as he seemed. So, all talk that he's somehow a hypocrite is just off base. He's a true American hero who simply made one mistake that directly defied his incessant pro-family platform. That's all. By only being a client of one madam, he's much better than he seemed just a week ago!

And don't forget, dear readers, that Bill Clinton got a blowjob.

Senator Vitter, thank you for loving families and America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Another Surrender-Crat

2007-07-15T20:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

As you all know, the Democrats have been committing treason ever since our Glorious War to Liberate Iraq and Spread Democracy Throughout the Middle East Began in 2003. Nothing new there. Recently, some "Republicans" have joined them, suggesting that our Divinely-inspired President needs to change paths. Well, now we've got one from a new source - Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki.

Dear readers, how ungrateful can this man be? We've been doing nothing but improving his country by ensuring there are no WMD's and planting the seeds of democracy. But now, he's said that American troops can depart his country "anytime they want." Can you believe this? What a slap in the face to W!

Folks, there's only one possible response - we must step up our efforts in Iraq. We must show al-Maliki that we mean business, and he's no more powerful than the 70% of Americans who want us out of Iraq. Full steam ahead folks - time to "surge"!

Nuri al-Maliki, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 7/12/07

2007-07-12T20:26:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to another episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag . . .

Jack X writes:

find out if there are any famous or infamous people in America who have the privilege of not worrying about wisdom teeth?

Jack, that's an easy one. Old Teddy ripped his wisdom teeth out years ago, so I don't have to worry about them at all! Famous enough for you?

Good luck with the surgery!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

That's My Boy!

2007-07-11T19:44:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Our divinely-inspired President has done it again! He's now ordered Harriet Miers not to testify before Congress! If there's one thing that W loves, it's the rule of law. So, by ordering Executive branch officials not to testify regarding potential wrongdoing by his branch, W has ensured that his branch can't be found to have violated the law. Talk about brilliant.

Folks, this is why W is clearly the right man to lead our country. Luckily, 1 out of every 4 Americans agrees with me! No matter what troubles we may face, he's going to confidently guide our ship through those stormy waters. What better way to avoid being found to have broken the law than to block all investigations into what you've done?

W, thank you for loving the rule of law and America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

This Situation is Clearly Different

2007-07-10T19:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

One of our own is under attack. That's right - Senator David Vitter, a Republican and obviously one of the most virile men in America, is being accused by two different madams of paying money in return for sexual gratification. It's clear who is behind this.

That's right, this is all the work of the liberals. So, they'll point out that Mr. Vitter bought some prostitutes, but have you heard them bring up the fact that "President" Clinton had sex with a woman in the Oval Office over a decade ago? No, not once. The liberal media would rather focus on the more current story, that of a Republican - and one who has pushed for a Constitutional Amendment in support of traditional marriage - having extramarital sex.

Folks, we can't stand for this. Whenever you hear the media do this, make sure you call them and remind them and their viewers or listeners that a Democrat committed adultery just over a decade ago!

Senator Vitter, thank you for supporting traditional marriage!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Time for Celebration!

2007-07-04T23:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

What a momentous occasion! On the one hand, this is our 300th post together! On the other hand, and much more importantly, today is our great country's birthday! Happy Birthday America!

What did I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., do today, you ask? Well, it was my normal holiday celebration. More importantly, though, I spent the day celebrating the commutation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's unconscionable sentence, and praying that our divinely-inspired President will pardon this hero. Just because he engaged in treasonous acts and then perjured himself and obstructed a federal investigation, that's no reason he should have to spend 30 months in the clink. Our Founders would have wanted him free to celebrate this great holiday - they'd want government officials to be forgiven by their buddies whenever they engage in federal crimes.

W, thank you for being a hero. Thank you for living up the example provided by our first President, another George W. This Fourth of July, we can thank our lucky stars that we have someone as ethical and as law-abiding as W in the White House!

W and Scooter, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Spreading the Good Word

2007-06-27T17:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy is about to embark on a road trip to spread the good word of freedom throughout the country. Hopefully, I'll be coming to a soapbox near you! (Be on the lookout!)

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Time to Panic

2007-06-25T19:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I saw a truly terrifying sight yesterday. For the first time in several months, the price of unleaded gas has fallen under $3.00/gallon. I almost rolled my F-250 when I saw that. Folks, it's time to panic.

Dear readers, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: when Big Oil does well, we all do well. It's the rising economic tide that lifts all economic boats! So, when prices go down and their profits fall, we all lose. Every last one of us.

All we have left is to correct this problem on our own. Therefore, dear readers, get to your nearest gas station and implore the manager to raise the price to over $4.00/gallon. We have a job to do, dear readers. Let's make sure we don't fail!

Dear gas station owners who are lowering gas prices, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 6/21/07

2007-06-21T20:09:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to the mail bag . . .

Mary Lou writes:

Dear Mr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

I'm getting married later this month. Any suggestions for a band for the reunion?

~~Mary Lou

Mary Lou, thanks for taking the time to write. If you can't get Toby Keith, I highly recommend these guys:

Enjoy the ceremony, and remember to honor and obey your husband like the Bible demands!

Jack X writes:

Between last year and this year, KFC seemed to improve the Famous Bowl by adding cream gravy and a biscuit. Assuming they take it off for the fall to improve it for the summer of 2008, what should they add to it to make it even better than it is now?

Jack X

Jack X, this one's easy - fried pork chops.

Jack X also writes:

Ok, I have a second question...

As you probably remember, "The Price is Right" (one of my favorite shows) ended its 35th season with Bob Barker's last show this past Friday, and he has said he wanted Rosie O'Donnell as a possible replacement for him. What do you think of this?

I'll tell you my opinion (of course, you probably know what I think) after you respond.

Jack X

Jack X, this is a brilliant and shrewd move by Barker. By putting some big gay slob on the show, it will only enhance his legacy. He might be old and potentially guilty of years of sexual harassment, but the gears are still turning up in that dome of his!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Strength and Honor

2007-06-20T19:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Today, our divinely-inspired President had the courage and foresight to veto a bill promoting stem cell research. Folks, this move took courage. Nearly 70% of Americans support stem cell research, as they want a cure for numerous tragic debilitating diseases. (As an aside, if evolution is real, wouldn't we just evolve to NOT have these diseases?) Ironically, 70% of Americans are also traitors who oppose the War against Islamofascism. Coincidence? I think not.

Folks, what we see here is W doing what he knows is right, no matter what the polls say. This is all the more admirable for someone who cannot run again for election. Mr. President, those of us who love America, love freedom, and love life, thank you! W, you never fail to amaze me!

Dear W, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Step Up for America!

2007-06-19T19:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

We're counting on you. The petition still needs your signature. We have to secure our bunkers and sand traps in order to make sure that we're only fighting them there and not fighting them here. Freedom isn't free, and these colors don't run.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Take Back the U.S. (Open)

2007-06-18T18:54:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

As promised, the petition is now up. Please sign at your earliest convenience and spread the word!

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Just Another Example of the Need for Immigration Reform

2007-06-17T23:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Perhaps few games are as American as golf. And no golf tournament is as American as the U.S. Open. Typically, it's a tournament dominated by Americans. But, today, for the fourth year in a row, a non-American won the event.

That's right, folks. First, congrats to Angel Cabrera on his win. But, more importantly, this stands as a stark reminder of how our American traditions and values are under attack from all directions.

Therefore, I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., hereby officially implore the USGA to restrict participation in next year's tournament to Americans only. I know this sounds like a severe change, but we need it. First, our golf tournament is taken over by foreigners. The logical next step is that Al Qaeda tries to fight us here. And we CANNOT allow this to happen.

Dear readers, a petition will soon follow. I hope you will assist me in this critical endeavor.

Foreign golfers, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Happy Flag Day!

2007-06-14T20:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

A Happiest of Happy Flag Day's to you and yours! I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., certainly hope that you celebrated this special occasion! Naturally, old Teddy showed his patriotism today. Here's a little recap:

The day began with my CD alarm clock blaring Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Old Teddy stumbled out of his star-spangled sheets, grabbed a cup o' joe (black coffee, folks, not some frou-frou, double half caf soy fresca frappucino), and had a bowl of Wheaties. A quick shower, and a light trim of the ol' moustache, and it was time to get dressed.

What was my attire, you ask? Everyone knows it starts with a solid foundation, so, naturally, I started with a fresh pair of tighty red, blue, and whiteys. I pulled up some cargo pocket jean shorts, and slipped on a patriotic, sleeveless Old Navy t-shirt. Finally, I put on my tube socks with American flags near the top, pulling them up only about halfway up my shins, before scrunching them down a bit. I finished up with my solid white Reebok high-tops, and it was time to hit the road.

Well, naturally, ol' Teddy fired up the F-250 with the patriotic paint job and the sticker across the rear window that proudly proclaims "Freedom isn't Free." While it was warming up, I attached my giant flags to the sides of the bed, and it was time to get rolling. What did I do this year to celebrate our flag?!?

Dear readers, old Teddy grabbed his phone book and looked for everyone with a non-Anglo sounding last name. I located the addresses, grabbed a map, and was off planting a flag in the yards of everyone of foreign nationality! At a time when immigration is a "hot-button" issue, so the liberal media says, it was time to let these non-original Americans know a few things about the Stars and Stripes. Mr. and Mrs. Wong of 275 N. Main Street, you're welcome!

But it didn't stop there, dear readers. The influx of homosexual Uruguayans over our Mexican border is a crisis of untold proportions (untold, at least, by the liberal media.) So, I found everyone in the phone book with an Hispanic last name, went to their homes, and built a wall across their front yards.

Well, I started to, anyway. I called a few bricklayers, but Pepe and Alejandro refused to do this for any amount of money. So, I got a few boards of a fence put up in one yard before the liberal cops came and threatened me if I didn't stop. That's right, despite my Second Amendment rights, these cops refused to let me protect me, my family, and my nation from the greatest threat in the history of the world!

But I made my point. Yes, Mr. Tancredo, I will do your bidding to the end of my days in order to keep us safe. Near the twentieth anniversary of President St. Reagan killing Communism by telling Gorby to tear down that wall, I tell Tom Tancredo, "Yes, future Mr. President, let's build up that border wall!"

Tired from a long day, it was time to come home, eat a Famous Bowl, and call it a day. I reverently folded up and stored my flags. Yes, it was a good day.

Dear fellow Americans, Happy Flag Day, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

One More Day!

2007-06-13T20:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Tomorrow's the big day! We're going to forego this week's "Thursdays with Theodore" so that I can report on my Flag Day activities. I hope to hear about yours, too!

Dear readers, thank you for loving our flag, and thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Any Fireworks Experts?

2007-06-12T20:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

The planning for Thursday continues. Does anyone have enough expertise with fireworks to create a display high in the skies to recreate W landing on the aircraft carrier for the "Mission Accomplished" speech?

Please let me know.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

You Know What Time of Year it is, Dear Readers

2007-06-11T22:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I apologize for being out of touch the last few days. Do keep in mind that Thursday of this week is Flag Day! What does that mean? Old Teddy is busy, busy, busy with planning! I'll be checking in with daily updates, and will give you a blow-by-blow account come Thursday.

Betsy Ross, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 6/7/07

2007-06-07T22:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" To the mail bag...

Jack X writes:

Where I live, there are several KFC establishments; however, they are all relatively far from my house, so when I went on vacation, I was able to find one easily.

I remember how last year, you praised KFC's Famous Bowls, saying they perfectly represent America. I didn't get one because I didn't notice they had one until after I ordered my food.

Anyway, for my questions, if KFC went all "liberal" and made a "Liberal Famous Bowl," what ingredients would probably be in it (ie. if they chose food products grown in predominately liberal areas in America and elsewhere, which one would create an..."Infamous Bowl?"). Have fun with that question.

Jack X

Jack X, that's a great question. You are correct, as I have previously lauded the wonder that is the Famous Bowl. Now, they come with a biscuit, so they're even better and more manly!

Anyway, a "Liberal Famous Bowl" would have soy, tofu, edamame, free trade coffee, and probably some weed thrown in, I'd imagine, knowing those libs. It would be absolutely disgusting, of course, and would leave you hungrier than you were before you ate it. But common sense has never been a strong suit of the libs, has it?

Willington writes:

Teddy,

What do you think of the potential candidacy of Ray Nagin for Governor?

-Franklin Willington

Willington, you know what I think about this. We don't need some nut job making a "chocolate state." He has no leadership - he didn't control the flooding and devastation nearly as well as Rudy responded to devastation with a city block. Leave it to the libs to pull this one off though, with all of the liberal idiots running around Nagin's city.

Dear readers, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Be Still, My Heart!

2007-06-06T19:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I haven't recovered yet from last night's Republican debate. Talk about some American heroes and God-fearing men up on that stage! I apologize, but I just can't post right now, as I'm riding a huge GOP-debate high!

Make sure to get in your questions for "Thursdays with Theodore!" at teddytrumbles@yahoo.com.

Dear GOP candidates, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Free Scooter!

2007-06-05T20:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

A travesty of justice was committed today. Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in jail. I, Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq., am outraged!

This great man was simply part of a scheme to out liberal undercover CIA agents, in order to make our country safer! And he's getting sent to jail? This is just another example of liberal activist judges undermining our national security and rolling out the red carpets for the Islamofascists. And liberty weeps.

Dear everyone involved in prosecuting and sentencing Scooter, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

A Question for You, Dear Readers - Please Respond

2007-06-03T14:10:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers,

Old Teddy is thinking about selling some ad space on the blog to try to earn a little cash to help ends meet. Please leave comments to let me know whether you think this would detract from the blog or somehow turn you off from visiting the blog.

And, as always, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Color Me Shocked (Again!)

2007-06-02T18:01:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

I'm used to the Hollywood crowd being a bunch of America-hating liberals. Nothing new there. But it seems that, lately, more and more musicians are getting in the mix. Take the new White Stripes song, "Icky Thump," for instance:

Now, ignoring those killer guitar riffs and the overall old-school, pulse-pounding rock involved, these liberal elites are calling us real Americans hypocrites for our immigration stance. All we want to do is keep our country safe and make sure our taxes go to help real Americans, not illegal thieves. Perhaps these musicians should learn to sing about the heartbreak involved in your wife leaving you, your dog dying, or your pickup breaking down.

Also, some of you may ask what I think about musicians who insert conservative politics in their songs. Well, I say these are true Americans who are trying to keep us safe, not a bunch of terrorist-coddlers like these White Stripes with their pro-Islamofascist rock-and-roll!

Dear readers who refuse to buy this album due to the message, despite how good the music is, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

Thursdays with Theodore, Episode 5/31/07

2007-05-31T19:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Readers,

Welcome to this week's episode of "Thursdays with Theodore!" Off to the mail bag...

Carla writes:

Dear Mr. Trumblebunks, I, Esq.,

What do you think about Justice Scalia's daughter getting sentenced to probation today?

~~~Carla

Carla, thanks for the question. It is true that, today, some liberal activist judge in Wheaton, Illinois - a noted liberal hotbed - sentenced Ms. Banaszewski to 18 months of probation. Both sides say it was fair, but I say that this is ridiculous. This is a travesty of justice. Some liberal activist judge just wanted to take a shot at Nino, a strict constructionist and defender of the Constitution. By going after his family, they think they can take Nino down.

I don't mean to speak for him, but I'm sure Nino would say: "Bring it on!"

Dear readers, and Justice Scalia, thank you for loving America!

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.